{"id":64426,"date":"2022-04-09T16:55:59","date_gmt":"2022-04-09T20:55:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=64426"},"modified":"2026-01-22T14:07:31","modified_gmt":"2026-01-22T18:07:31","slug":"taking-advice-from-others","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/taking-advice-from-others\/","title":{"rendered":"Taking Advice From Others: Why People Avoid It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Is taking advice from others<\/a> a good idea? Do you shrug off advice given to you by friends and family?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Studies have shown that making decisions based on your own memories often leads to poor decision-making<\/a> and unhappiness. However, social psychologist Daniel Gilbert says that taking advice from others can help you overcome your bias and faulty memories<\/a>. Unfortunately, many ignore the advice of others for two main reasons.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s why people tend to ignore advice from others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Using the Insights of Others<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If we can\u2019t use our own experiences to make better choices, can we use the experiences of those who\u2019ve made similar choices in the past? Unfortunately, writes Gilbert, we could<\/em>, but we don\u2019t. We avoid taking advice from others for two reasons: We believe the incorrect information we receive from others, and we ignore the correct information we receive from others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: There are likely additional reasons beyond the two Gilbert outlines for why we don\u2019t act on the insights of others. In Thinking, Fast and Slow<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Daniel Kahneman writes that our pride can prevent us from accepting hard evidence that we were wrong<\/a> about something in the past. Our pride can conceivably also cause us to ignore evidence from others that we may be wrong about the future: If we think we\u2019ll ace a test, we may ignore the warning of someone who already took the test and found it difficult because believing them would mean accepting our initial assessment was wrong.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s look at each reason in more detail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Reason #1: You Believe Incorrect Information From Others About What Makes You Happy<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Gilbert writes that we often believe inaccurate information about what makes us happy because of the nature of that particular information: Some incorrect information about happiness is able to perpetuate itself because it encourages people to take the actions that spread it<\/strong>. Let\u2019s illustrate this using the incorrect information that having kids makes you happy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your parents pass this information on to you at a young age, and you later act on it by having kids. You then tell your kids that having their own kids will make them happy, since you believe it\u2019s true\u2014it\u2019s what everyone always told you, after all. Eventually, your kids have kids, too, who they tell to have kids, and the cycle continues. In this way, the information \u201chaving kids makes you happy\u201d self-perpetuates, because it encourages people to keep producing the next generation who\u2019ll learn and spread the information.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet, argues Gilbert, this information is incorrect: People with kids aren\u2019t<\/em> happy. They report low levels of happiness from childbirth until their kids go to college. The reason we perpetuate this lie is because of Correction Error #3: We remember feeling the way we believe we should <\/em>have felt while parenting\u2014happy and rewarded\u2014not the way we actually felt: unhappy and tired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This type of self-perpetuating information is essential to the continuation of humanity as a whole, not to the happiness of the individual, contends Gilbert. For us to survive as a species, we need<\/em> to believe this information about what will make us happy, even though it\u2019s untrue. We see this clearly in the example of \u201chaving kids makes you happy\u201d\u2014if we didn\u2019t believe having kids makes us happy, none of us would have kids, and our species would die out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You therefore can\u2019t make better choices about the future using the insights of others because virtually all humans buy into and spread the same poor, self-perpetuating information about happiness, concludes Gilbert. That poor information may help our species to succeed, but it also forms the basis of decisions that leave you personally unhappy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Gilbert claims that there are certain ideas about what will make us happy that all humans \u201cfall for\u201d simply because we need<\/em> to fall for them to keep humanity afloat. This could make us feel like unthinking cogs in a survival machine<\/a>. Yet while this notion can be disheartening, some have proposed that while our genes <\/em>undeniably want human life to continue, individual humans <\/em>can still construct meaning<\/a> beyond procreation for their own <\/em>lives. We can make the world a better place<\/a> through altruistic action, for instance, and in that way, we can defy the notion that we\u2019re just tools used for some higher purpose.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parental Happiness Around the World<\/strong>

Gilbert claims that the belief that having kids makes you happy is a lie, pointing to studies that show American parents are unhappy from the time their child is born until that child departs for college. However, parental happiness levels differ around the world, and not all parents are as unhappy as the American ones Gilbert describes.

Of 22 surveyed countries, the US had the highest gap between parental and non-parental happiness<\/a>: 12%. Some countries also reported lower levels of parental happiness than nonparental happiness, but many countries have parents who are happier than nonparents. Among them are Russia, France, and, topping the charts with eight-percentage-points-greater parental happiness, Portugal.\u00a0

Part of the reason why American parents report low happiness may be due to the lack of workplace support and paid time off for working parents. Being a parent in the US is also more expensive than elsewhere, particularly when you factor in college tuition, which is higher than in other countries.\u00a0<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Reason #2: You Ignore Correct Information From Others About What Makes You Happy<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

According to Gilbert, you also fail to correct your future decision-making because you don\u2019t listen to <\/strong>correct<\/em><\/strong> information from others about what will make you happy<\/strong>. It\u2019s technically possible to make better choices by finding out how others feel after making those choices. However, you don\u2019t heed their insights as you don\u2019t believe others\u2019 feelings can apply to you, Gilbert asserts. This is because all humans believe their experience of life is more unique than it is. In reality, though, our lived experience and feelings about those experiences can quite easily mirror other people\u2019s. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For instance, you\u2019re considering taking a management position at your company. The previous incumbent warns you not to do so, as they were miserable in the job\u2014the boss was too demanding and the team was difficult to manage. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s likely that you\u2019d face the same issues if you took the job since the boss and team members in question are still working for the company and are still just as difficult to work with. However, you ignore the incumbent\u2019s advice because you believe you\u2019re uniquely placed to handle these challenges: You worked with a difficult manager in the past, so you figure you\u2019re resilient enough to cope with a similar situation again. You take the job, but you end up miserable\u2014even with your uniquely resilient temperament, the boss and team members are so persistently combative that you find them difficult to handle. You should have heeded the previous manager\u2019s words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Gilbert argues that we limit our ability to improve our decision-making by thinking that the opinions and experiences of others can\u2019t apply to us because we\u2019re too unique. However, that\u2019s not the only misconception that keeps us from listening to others: We also believe that we\u2019re above average in every way<\/em><\/a> and therefore better than everyone<\/em> around us. This is called the better-than-average effect<\/a> and can similarly lead to poor choices about the future. For instance, if you think you\u2019re a better swimmer than your friend, you might head into waters they claim are dangerous because you think you can manage better than they can\u2014even though this poses a threat to your safety.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Is taking advice from others a good idea? Do you shrug off advice given to you by friends and family? Studies have shown that making decisions based on your own memories often leads to poor decision-making and unhappiness. However, social psychologist Daniel Gilbert says that taking advice from others can help you overcome your bias and faulty memories. Unfortunately, many ignore the advice of others for two main reasons. Here’s why people tend to ignore advice from others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":64610,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,9,43],"tags":[605],"class_list":["post-64426","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-stumbling-on-happiness","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nTaking Advice From Others: Why People Avoid It - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Taking advice from others who have been in your situation is a great way to make decisions about your future. 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