{"id":64254,"date":"2022-04-09T09:31:00","date_gmt":"2022-04-09T13:31:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=64254"},"modified":"2022-04-14T10:04:39","modified_gmt":"2022-04-14T14:04:39","slug":"contrasting-statements-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/contrasting-statements-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Contrasting Statements: Useful Tools For Trustbuilding"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What are contrasting statements<\/a>? How can you use them to build trust and mutual respect in a discussion?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the book Crucial Accountability<\/em>, the authors talk about how contrasting statements can build mutual respect when the other person is feeling unsafe in a conversation. Contrasting statements are the building blocks of good discussions, whereas feeling a lack of mutual respect and having different motives ruins them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn how to use contrasting statements to build mutual respect in a relationship. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Mutual Respect<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The authors write that if you think the other person is feeling unsafe due to a perceived lack of respect, you can use contrasting statements. <\/em><\/strong>Contrasting<\/em> is when we reassure the other person that their negative perception of our intent is inaccurate by contrasting it with what our (more positive) intent actually is. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To use contrasting statements, <\/strong>try to understand why the other person might feel disrespected. Next, explain to them that this is not<\/em> what you mean. Last, tie in the contrasting point by explaining what you do <\/em>mean.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if your business partner is habitually making decisions without you, they might assume that you\u2019re bringing up the issue because you think they make bad<\/em> decisions. You can use contrasting statements to put them at ease by saying: \u201cI don\u2019t want you to think I\u2019m unhappy with the decisions you\u2019ve made. They\u2019re good decisions and I support them. But, I\u2019d like to be more involved in the process to ensure we both agree on decisions before they\u2019re executed.\u201d`<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Using \u201cI\u201d Language<\/strong>

Experts explain that another way to establish mutual respect is by using \u201cI\u201d language<\/a>. \u201cI\u201d language is when we focus the issue on our own emotions, feelings, and problems by using the pronoun \u201cI.\u201d Using \u201cyou\u201d language, on the other hand, puts the focus of the discussion on the other person\u2019s shortcomings and frames them as personally responsible<\/em> for the issue. This can make them feel disrespected, embarrassed, or belittled.

An example of \u201cyou\u201d language would be \u201cyou<\/em> were supposed to hand in that project on Monday, and now you\u2019re<\/em> holding up the presentation.\u201d This sounds like you\u2019re blaming the other person and intentionally making them feel bad. Instead, we could phrase the same issue using \u201cI\u201d language: \u201cI\u2019m<\/em> getting stressed that I <\/em>don\u2019t have that project yet. I\u2019m<\/em> going to have to reschedule the presentation if I<\/em> don\u2019t get it soon.\u201d In the second example, you avoid blaming and accusing the other person while also owning your feelings and addressing your concerns. It\u2019s an effective way to bring up the accountability issue while ensuring the other person feels respected rather than blamed.

The authors don\u2019t specifically mention using \u201cI\u201d language, but their examples and discussions consistently use this technique. For example, contrasting models using \u201cI\u201d language by redirecting the conversation away from blaming or accusing the other person (which is what they think you\u2019re doing) and back to focusing on your<\/em> intent and perspective.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Mutual Purpose<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Contrasting statements can be used to develop mutual purpose<\/a> as well. The authors explain that if the other person begins to feel like the purpose of the conversation is only serving you and that you\u2019re not considering their best interests, they are likely to feel unsafe. They might think that you brought up the issue with ulterior motives: to embarrass them, force them into something they don\u2019t want, take away their authority, or cause them distress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To reestablish mutual purpose, clarify your intent: solving a problem that impacts both of you while maintaining a positive relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n