{"id":6018,"date":"2019-12-23T17:58:23","date_gmt":"2019-12-23T21:58:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=6018"},"modified":"2022-03-18T15:36:20","modified_gmt":"2022-03-18T19:36:20","slug":"growth-mindset-for-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/","title":{"rendered":"Growth Mindset for Parents: Raise Caring, Successful Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Parents want to help their kids to succeed in school and life, yet their <strong>comments, actions and attempts to be helpful often send the wrong message<\/strong>. What&#8217;s the secret to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-develop-a-growth-mindset\/\">developing a growth mindset<\/a> for parents?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We&#8217;ll cover what a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-characteristics\/\">growth mindset<\/a> for parents is, how to have one, and how to convey it to your kids so they have growth mindsets, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Developing a Growth Mindset in Kids<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>As we&#8217;ll see, your child&#8217;s growth mindset comes from yours. This is why a growth mindset for parents is so important. Words and actions from adults tell young children, students, and athletes what to think about themselves. They can convey a fixed-mindset message that children\u2019s traits are permanent and they\u2019ll be judged for them. Or they can convey a growth-oriented message that children (and all people) are continually developing and adults are committed to helping them in this process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Children are extremely sensitive to these messages. <strong>They\u2019re concerned about how they\u2019re being tested\/judged and what will happen if they fall short.<\/strong> A growth mindset for parents is crucial.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Kids Hear Messages Constantly<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Children with fixed mindsets hear judgment from their parents<\/strong> \u2014 it feels as though their abilities are always being measured.&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To understand children\u2019s thinking, researchers asked them several questions. Here are the responses from both the fixed-minded and growth-oriented kids.&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Question #1<\/strong>: Imagine that your parents are happy when you get a good grade. Why would they be happy?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Fixed-minded children responded along the lines of: \u201cThey were happy to see I was smart.\u201d&nbsp;<\/li><li>Growth-minded children said a good grade meant they\u2019d buckled down and worked hard.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Question #2<\/strong>: Imagine that your parents talked with you about your performance when you did poorly. Why would they do this?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Fixed-minded children responded that their parents probably were worried that they weren\u2019t smart, that bad grades might mean they weren\u2019t smart.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Growth-minded children said their parents likely wanted to teach them better study methods for the future.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Question #3<\/strong>: Imagine your parents were upset when you didn\u2019t share. Why would they feel this way?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Fixed-minded children responded that their parents thought the behavior showed they were a bad person.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Growth-minded children said their parents probably wanted to help them learn and get along better with other kids.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Normal kids often misbehave (actually, every three minutes) \u2014 it can be an opportunity either to judge them as having failed or to help them grow.&nbsp;This is one reason why a growth mindset for parents is essential.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Children pick up these lessons from an early age, even as toddlers. They learn either that mistakes merit judgment and punishment or they can bring suggestions and help for how to do better. Teaching rather than judging is what helps children learn.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Kids Pass On Messages<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Children are eager to pass on things they\u2019ve learned. This includes messages from either mindset.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, researchers asked children what advice they\u2019d give to a child who was having trouble with math. Children with a growth mindset said they would advise the child to read the problem again, think harder, or maybe ask the teacher for help. Children with fixed mindsets had no help to offer since they viewed ability as a fixed trait. For instance, one child just said, \u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d These reactions are learned, making a growth mindset for parents important.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Messages about Success: When Praise Hurts<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When children do something well, most parents want to encourage them or build their confidence, but often they\u2019re not helping the way they think they are. A growth mindset for parents changes a parent&#8217;s response. Here\u2019s how many parents respond \u2014 and what their kids hear:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cWow, you learned that fast; you\u2019re really smart.\u201d What the child hears: If you don\u2019t learn fast, it means you\u2019re dumb.<\/li><li>\u201cLook how smart you are \u2014 you got an A without even studying.\u201d What the child hears: If I have to study, it means I\u2019m not smart.<\/li><li>\u201cLook at that artwork \u2014 You\u2019re the next Picasso.\u201d What the child hears: If I draw something difficult and fail, they\u2019ll see I\u2019m not really a talented artist. I\u2019d better not take the chance.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>These examples show that <strong>praising children\u2019s intelligence hurts their <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/ways-to-motivate-employees\/\">motivation and performance<\/a><\/strong>. Children getting fixed-mindset praise develop resistance to difficult challenges that might show they\u2019re not so smart or talented. If they try and fail, they further lose motivation and confidence. They believe the message that their performance \u2014 success or failure \u2014 reflects who they are: If success means they\u2019re smart, failure means they\u2019re dumb.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The best way for parents to help their children <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/build-confidence-and-destroy-fear\/\">build confidence<\/a> is to teach them to welcome challenges, to want to understand mistakes, to enjoy effort, and to continually look for and try new <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/learning-strategies-for-students\/\">learning strategies<\/a>.<\/strong> These are the basic elements of a growth mindset for parents.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Praise Children<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The research findings on the de-motivating effects of praise don\u2019t mean <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/praising-children\/\">praising children<\/a> is bad and we shouldn\u2019t do it.<\/strong> Children love praise and need adult approval. The key is to avoid praise that judges their intelligence or ability, which implies you\u2019re proud of them for an inherent trait rather than for their effort and improvement.&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Applying a growth mindset for parents, <strong>praise them for what they\u2019ve achieved through good study strategies, practice, and persistence<\/strong>. Show interest in <em>how<\/em> they succeeded or improved, in their efforts and choices. For instance, you might comment, \u201cYou really studied hard and it paid off. I can see how much you improved. Outlining the important points was a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-makes-a-good-business-strategy\/\">good strategy<\/a>.\u201d Or, \u201cIt\u2019s great that you kept trying different ways of solving that math problem until you got it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For a student who worked hard and didn\u2019t do so well, a helpful response would be: \u201cEveryone learns differently. Let\u2019s try to find a way that works for you.\u201d (This approach is especially helpful for children with learning disabilities.) Or, \u201cI like your effort. Let\u2019s work on it some more and figure out where you\u2019re having trouble.\u201d This is another example of a growth mindset for parents.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For a student who did something quickly without mistakes, avoid praising speed and perfection, which will get in the way of tackling challenges. It would be more constructive to say something like, \u201cYou finished that assignment so quickly that it must have been too easy. Let\u2019s try something else that you can really learn from.\u201d<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes parents use growth-oriented language with <em>their<\/em> children, but then undercut it by expressing judgments (fixed-mindset statements) about other people, which the kids overhear. For instance, they might remark, \u201cSome have it and some don\u2019t\u201d or \u201cWhat a lame-brain.\u201d When children hear things like this, they wonder whether those judgments apply to them too. Remember, they\u2019re always listening. It&#8217;s important to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-development\/\">have a growth mindset<\/a> for parents all the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Reassuring Children<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When children are preparing to take a challenging test, it\u2019s natural for parents to want to reassure them by saying something like, \u201cYou can do this \u2014 you know you\u2019re smart.\u201d This usually has the opposite effect of raising the stakes and making them even more afraid of failing. This isn&#8217;t the language of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-growth-mindset\/\">the growth mindset<\/a> for parents. Instead, <strong>sympathize with the pressure they feel for potentially being judged<\/strong>. Reassure that you\u2019re not judging them \u2014you care about their learning, and are proud that they\u2019ve worked hard and continued to improve.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Messages About Failure<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Society tells parents that the way to boost children\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-is-self-esteem-and-why-is-it-important\/\">self-esteem is<\/a> to protect them from failure<\/strong> \u2014 for instance, by minimizing a loss or blaming the coach or teacher. This might make children feel better temporarily, but it\u2019s harmful in the long run because they don\u2019t learn to handle life\u2019s inevitable setbacks. They react poorly to feedback, saying it undermines their confidence, and want only to hear about how talented they are.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Growth-minded parents take an interest in their child\u2019s failure<\/strong>, seeing it as an opportunity to learn. They don\u2019t get upset or concerned about the child\u2019s ability, or whitewash the failure. This is an important piece of the growth mindset for parents.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Imagine how you might respond when your nine-year-old daughter, a budding gymnast, performs reasonably well at her first gymnastics meet but doesn\u2019t win a ribbon. She\u2019s crushed because she was confident she\u2019d win. Here are typical, but fixed-mindset, ways to console her:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Tell her you thought she was the best (this is a lie and she knows it).<\/li><li>Tell her the judges were unfair and she should\u2019ve gotten a ribbon (this blames others).<\/li><li>Tell her gymnastics isn\u2019t that important (sends the message that if you\u2019re not great at something new immediately, it\u2019s not worth pursuing).<\/li><li>Tell her she has the talent and will win next time (talent will get you where you want to go).<\/li><li>Tell her she didn\u2019t deserve to win because she didn\u2019t practice enough (this could be growth-minded and helpful, if it were said in a different way).&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s how a growth-minded father actually responded in the above scenario. He told her he understands how disappointing it is when you have high hopes and do your best but don\u2019t win. However, he also pointed out that <strong>she hadn\u2019t really <\/strong><strong><em>earned<\/em><\/strong><strong> a win yet<\/strong>, since she was just starting in gymnastics and had a lot to learn. Other girls on the team had worked harder and longer. She\u2019d have to do the same if she really wanted to excel. He told her that doing a sport just for fun is fine too, but excelling requires a higher level of commitment. With this feedback, the girl worked harder, especially on weaknesses, and won five ribbons and was overall champion at a bigger competition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Give Constructive Feedback<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Everyone thinks the criticism they give their children is constructive. But while they intend it to be helpful, often it isn\u2019t. <strong>To be constructive, criticism must help a child fix something or do something better<\/strong>. Most often, what they hear from parents isn\u2019t constructive \u2014 it\u2019s judgmental. Judgment isn&#8217;t a part of the growth mindset for parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, when a child does incomplete or sloppy work, a frustrated parent might say, \u201cYou mean <em>this<\/em> is all you can do? Are you stupid or lazy?\u201d&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead, constructive or growth-oriented criticism would sound like, \u201cIt upsets me when you don\u2019t finish an assignment. When can you finish this?\u201d Or, \u201cThis looks like an assignment that requires a lot of concentration and effort. Let\u2019s talk about how you apply concentration skills.\u201d<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Discipline<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When parents judge and punish children, they\u2019re usually trying to teach them something \u2014 but children may learn an unintended lesson. For instance, when parents punish a child for doing something wrong (making a bad decision), they\u2019re teaching the child not to go against the parents\u2019 rules and wishes. Instead, what they should be teaching is <strong>how to think through a situation and make a better decision next time<\/strong>. Growth-oriented parents set high standards <em>and<\/em> teach children how to meet them rather than judging and punishing them for falling short. This is key in a growth mindset for parents.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Extreme Expectations<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s natural for parents to have high aspirations for their children, but sometimes parents allow their desires to take precedence over what\u2019s best for the child or what the child wants.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, Mark was exceptional in math and wanted to go to Stuyvesant High School for its advanced math curriculum. But his parents made him go to a different school because they\u2019d heard that it would be hard for him to get into Harvard from Stuyvesant. They didn\u2019t care about his interests, only about theirs. They wanted him to succeed, but on their terms. Their message was, \u201cWe\u2019ll love you only if you go to Harvard.\u201d&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Many children pick up this type of message. Researchers studied children age six to college-age and found that <strong>those with fixed mindsets believed they had to fulfill their parents\u2019 expectations in order to be loved and respected.<\/strong><br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>John McEnroe\u2019s father put tremendous pressure on him to excel at tennis when he discovered the boy was good at it. As a result of the pressure, McEnroe didn\u2019t enjoy playing tennis. He liked being at the top for the money and fame, but he never liked the sport.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In contrast, Tiger Woods\u2019 father, although ambitious, fostered his son\u2019s love of golf and raised him to focus on growth and learning. He once said he\u2019d have been happy if his son had chosen another occupation, such as being a plumber, as long as he applied himself.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When parents force fixed-mindset ideals and aspirations on their children, they eliminate any room for failures or for their child\u2019s individuality. However, when they adopt a growth mindset for parents and encourage their children\u2019s development of interests or passions, neither will be disappointed.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Parents want to help their kids to succeed in school and life, yet their comments, actions and attempts to be helpful often send the wrong message. What&#8217;s the secret to developing a growth mindset for parents? We&#8217;ll cover what a growth mindset for parents is, how to have one, and how to convey it to your kids so they have growth mindsets, too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":6033,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,9],"tags":[68],"class_list":["post-6018","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-psychology","tag-mindset","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Growth Mindset for Parents: Raise Caring, Successful Kids - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Parents want to help their kids succeed, yet their comments and actions often send the wrong message. Learn how to develop a growth mindset for parents.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Growth Mindset for Parents: Raise Caring, Successful Kids\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Parents want to help their kids succeed, yet their comments and actions often send the wrong message. Learn how to develop a growth mindset for parents.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-12-23T21:58:23+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-03-18T19:36:20+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/mindset-parents.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"688\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"453\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Amanda Penn\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Amanda Penn\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"10 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Amanda Penn\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/01b0e4c9ddb993e51d03808839d538b0\"},\"headline\":\"Growth Mindset for Parents: Raise Caring, Successful Kids\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-12-23T21:58:23+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-03-18T19:36:20+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/\"},\"wordCount\":2220,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/mindset-parents.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Mindset\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Parenting\",\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/\",\"name\":\"Growth Mindset for Parents: Raise Caring, Successful Kids - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/growth-mindset-for-parents\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/mindset-parents.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-12-23T21:58:23+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-03-18T19:36:20+00:00\",\"description\":\"Parents want to help their kids succeed, yet their comments and actions often send the wrong message. 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