{"id":59081,"date":"2022-02-08T11:35:47","date_gmt":"2022-02-08T15:35:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=59081"},"modified":"2022-02-17T10:24:53","modified_gmt":"2022-02-17T14:24:53","slug":"signs-of-emotional-manipulation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/signs-of-emotional-manipulation\/","title":{"rendered":"Signs of Emotional Manipulation & How to Stop It"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

How do you tell if someone is trying to emotionally manipulate you? What are the signs of emotional manipulation you should watch out for?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In his book Games People Play,<\/em> psychiatrist Eric Berne explains how to identify when a mind game is being played on you. He provides three steps for spotting mind games and discusses how you can break that game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how to identify emotional manipulation, according to Berne. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Identify a Game<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Berne writes that at his time, mostly destructive games were well-understood. People with more constructive games didn\u2019t go to therapy, and there were still plenty of games that hadn\u2019t been identified. He describes how to spot the signs of emotional manipulation\u2014below, we\u2019ve condensed and clarified his steps:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step #1: <\/strong>Identify whether some social habit (yours or another\u2019s) seems to fit the pattern of a game. Is there a concealed motive in play? Are the exchanges deceptive? Is there some dramatic ending, or a self-validating<\/a> outcome? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step #2: <\/strong>When you think you\u2019ve found a game, test it by trying to break it. According to Berne, attempting to break a game pattern results in significant resistance. So if you notice substantial emotional resistance in you or the other person, you\u2019ve likely found a game.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step #3: <\/strong>If you want to better establish the pattern, look for more real-world examples of the same game. The more examples you find, the more evidence you have that the game really exists. Then, you can use Berne\u2019s analytical framework to describe the game\u2019s characteristics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Berne\u2019s method here is fairly empirical: Find a pattern, test if it fits known characteristics of games, then gather evidence. But note that we\u2019re all subject to patternicity, a cognitive bias where we tend to interpret information according to models we\u2019ve already got in our heads<\/a>. This tendency is widespread\u2014for example, in Black Box Thinking<\/em><\/a>, author Matthew Syed recounts an interaction between <\/em>the philosopher Karl Popper and the psychologist Alfred Adler (theorizer of inferiority and superiority complexes): Popper states that Adler confidently applied his theories to a child he had never met. While the model may have fit, Syed argues that to honestly develop a theory, you have to look for where it falls short. That failure clarifies the limits of the theory, offering the opportunity to improve it. Otherwise, it remains stagnant.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Overcome Unhealthy Games by Disrupting the Pattern<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Once you\u2019ve identified a game, there\u2019s one real key to overcoming it. A game is a pattern, so you need an effective pattern-breaking maneuver.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In Berne\u2019s language, this is the \u201cantithesis\u201d (we\u2019ll call it the solution<\/em>), and it\u2019s essentially an intentional use of disruptive exchanges. Games are reciprocal\u2014the players go back and forth along the expected path of the game. So if you disrupt that sequence, you can break off the game\u2019s flow. Below we\u2019ve identified the characteristics of an effective solution:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#1:<\/strong> An effective solution is tailored to the specific situation<\/strong>. Games are general patterns, but every specific situation is distinct. You need to create a disruption that fits the game and the person playing it. A direct call-out might work for someone less invested in their game, while Mr. Vesuvius might need a calm, patient pointing-out of his pattern.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

#2: An effective solution disrupts communication <\/strong>from<\/em><\/strong> the adult state. <\/strong>Many solutions work by refusing to communicate from the ego state the player games from, instead speaking from the adult state. The players are often taken off-guard by this fair treatment. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Imagine you\u2019re in a heated argument with your significant other when they suddenly pivot: \u201cHey, hold on. We\u2019re getting nowhere like this, and I\u2019d rather develop a compromise with you than fight. I\u2019ll listen first\u2014please go ahead.\u201d Chances are, their rational mode would positively influence you, because\u2026 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

#3: \u2026An effective solution snaps the player <\/strong>back into<\/em><\/strong> their adult state<\/strong>, Berne suggests. Back in that rational state of mind, it\u2019s easier to see that you\u2019ve behaved unconstructively. Berne notes that many of his patients experienced sudden relief, even laughter, after he broke their patterns.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Berne gives a fairly shallow explanation of some solutions, saying for multiple tough games, like \u201cAlcoholic,\u201d that people need \u201cpreparation\u201d (he doesn\u2019t explain this) before receiving his antithesis. Some criticize Berne for failing to flesh out his solution methodology<\/a>. His solutions address one aspect of a problem\u2014psychological blockages\u2014but don\u2019t handle others, like the various neurological damages that can affect behavior.<\/a> For example, significant brain trauma can lead to poor anger-management skills later in life, and that\u2019s a physiological issue that can\u2019t be treated by T.A. alone.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#4:<\/strong> An effective solution has finesse<\/strong>. Bluntly confronting people\u2019s games isn\u2019t often the most effective approach. Instead, try to thread the needle. People\u2019s emotions can be volatile when they\u2019re playing games, so you need to be precise and mindful of triggers\u2014your own and others. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is especially true if you\u2019re trying to help someone else end a game. Remember that some games keep their players psychologically stable. Berne states that you need to adequately \u201cprepare\u201d these people, but he doesn\u2019t say how to do so. He seems to mean that less stable people need gentle therapy that builds up toward the pattern-breaker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Break the Pattern or Slow It Down?<\/strong>

Tony Robbins discusses a similar pattern-breaking method in Awaken the Giant Within<\/em><\/a>, arguing that to successfully change your behavior<\/a>, you first need to disrupt the old pattern. But his solutions are<\/em> often blunt\u2014like mocking a man\u2019s shoes to try to cure his suicidal thoughts. Some say that Robbin\u2019s claims lack empirical support (and pose ethical issues,<\/a>) but the parallel with Berne\u2019s \u201cantithesis\u201d suggests that pattern-breaking techniques aren\u2019t without merit\u2014you just need to do it with care.

Let\u2019s contrast this with the mindfulness-based approach to habit breaking, with the following model: A habit is a feedback loop, where completion of the behavior results in a reward that reinforces the loop. Imagine this loop as a whirlpool in a backyard pool. The more you push the water in one direction, the more momentum it gains. When we\u2019re trying to change existing habits, it\u2019s like trying to change the flow of all that momentum.

Berne\u2019s and Robbins\u2019s strategies are to disrupt the flow: Berne by confronting it with some degree of finesse, and redirecting it; Robbins\u2019s by charging it head-on and breaking it up (one of his techniques involves \u201cscrambling\u201d old thoughts and feelings<\/a>.) In contrast, the mindful approach is to sit with the flow of the water, not pushing it along, until it naturally slows from lack of reinforcement. 

Each of these has its own strengths and weaknesses\u2014Robbins\u2019s technique might be faster than mindfulness<\/a>, for example. In the end, what matters is to try them out, and keep what works while leaving what doesn\u2019t. As Berne recommends, use strategies that work for you, considering your own history\u2014which could mean that his methods aren\u2019t right for you, or any given person.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Here are a couple of examples of pattern-breaking solutions: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSchlemiel\u201d <\/strong>is <\/strong>one of Berne\u2019s chief examples. He describes the game and solution as follows: <\/p>\n\n\n\n