{"id":59079,"date":"2022-02-15T17:21:12","date_gmt":"2022-02-15T21:21:12","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=59079"},"modified":"2022-02-17T10:24:18","modified_gmt":"2022-02-17T14:24:18","slug":"games-people-play-psychology","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/games-people-play-psychology\/","title":{"rendered":"Games People Play: The Psychology of Mind Games"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is Eric Berne’s Games People Play<\/em> about? Why does Berne mean by “games” in the context of social interaction? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In his book Games People Play, <\/em>Dr. Eric Berne says that mind games go back to childhood. Children learn mind games from their parents and then use them later in life. There are often patterns associated with these games that are so deeply ingrained that the player often doesn’t realize what they’re doing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s a brief overview of Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships<\/em> by Dr. Eric Berne.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Games Originate in Childhood<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In his book <\/strong>Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships<\/em>, Dr. Eric Berne argues that games are passed down from parents to their children. This is usually unconscious. Most parents consciously teach operations, rituals, and small talk (for example, table manners), but children naturally absorb games, whether they know it or not.h<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Berne, a family\u2019s games are the emotional environment they create<\/strong>. In other words, there are \u201ccurrents\u201d or patterns of emotion that repeat in a given household. These are the emotions of their games\u2014think of Mr. Vesuvius, or similar narcissistic parental archetypes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A child then picks up on how her family expresses emotions. She learns to play the same games by unconsciously imitating her parents, Berne says. Then, children start to deliberately initiate games in order to learn how they work. Little Vesuvius blows up at her brother, experiences the payoff, and thus learns the game. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time we\u2019ve grown up, most of us have forgotten the games we learned to play. But because they come from childhood, Berne argues, we should consider the games we played as children to better understand the games we play as adults.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Children do learn from what we do<\/a>, and not just what we say. But it\u2019s possible to raise emotionally intelligent kids<\/a>\u2014it boils down to being an emotionally mature parent, so that your kids model on that effective behavior. If a kid grows up in a game-free family<\/a>, then perhaps they can skip games altogether. Yet most of us didn\u2019t have that experience, and in that case, Family Systems Therapy can help.<\/a> FST helps family members to express feelings, uncover old traumas, and heal from unhealthy coping<\/a> mechanisms. This is an established, evidence-based approach to changing old patterns of thought and feeling that, if ignored, will continue to influence your behavior.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Games Work<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Now, let\u2019s clarify how games work. To clear up Berne\u2019s clinical jargon, we\u2019ve distilled out the basic pattern that games follow. Below we\u2019ll explore their main characteristics. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You Play a Game From a \u201cPosition\u201d<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

As we covered in our section on pastimes, a \u201cposition\u201d is an unconscious, deeply held belief. If you hold the belief that \u201clife is basically pointless,\u201d you\u2019ll behave in ways that reflect that belief, according to Berne. (Again, we\u2019ll call these stances<\/em>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You play any game in accord with such an underlying belief. It gives rise to a hidden motive, and that causes you to seek situations that reinforce the belief. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, the above belief might yield a game where Player A is always apathetic or depressed. A family member or friend tries to cheer him up, but Player A cynically refuses\u2014\u201cDon\u2019t bother trying; are you even happy yourself?\u201d His stagnant energy makes those around him less cheerful, \u201cproving\u201d to himself that \u201clife is pointless, no one is happy anyway.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Dysfunctional relationship habits don\u2019t necessarily come from just beliefs. For example, Mr. Vesuvius\u2019 angry outbursts may come from brain trauma earlier in life<\/a>. Berne also doesn\u2019t account for the fact that genetic influences often underlie addictive patterns<\/a>. All the same, the best way forward is often to focus on what we can control. When something is out of our control, like a genetic susceptibility to mental illness, our options are internal: Embrace your life\u2019s difficulties, develop resilience<\/a>, and be resourceful\u2014which may mean reshaping your psychology despite physiological problems like, for example, repeated concussions from long years of football<\/a>.)   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Basic Pattern of a Game<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Though Berne doesn\u2019t make it clear, we can infer that the basic pattern of a game goes as follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n