{"id":59078,"date":"2022-02-09T11:51:30","date_gmt":"2022-02-09T15:51:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=59078"},"modified":"2022-02-17T10:24:47","modified_gmt":"2022-02-17T14:24:47","slug":"psychological-mind-games","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/psychological-mind-games\/","title":{"rendered":"The 7 Different Types of Psychological Mind Games"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why do people play mind games<\/a>? How can you tell that someone is playing a mind game on you? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In his 1964 classic Games People Play, <\/em>Dr. Eric Berne theorizes that playing mind games is a part of psychological development that all people must grow past. He divided the mind games into seven different categories: 1) pseudo-small talk, 2) couples games, 3) sex games, 4) career games, 5) criminal games, 6) therapy games, and 7) positive games.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let’s take a look at Berne’s categories of psychological mind games people play on each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Types of Mind Games<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Berne gives multiple ways to classify psychological mind games. Below, we\u2019ve reworked Berne\u2019s scheme and updated his examples.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Pseudo-Small Talk<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Pseudo-Small Talk develops out of small talk, when the friends of a group have drawn closer. These games often start as small talk, then develop some counterproductive or unhealthy quality. From Berne\u2019s writing, it isn\u2019t clear how this change occurs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the pastime \u201cWater Cooler,\u201d for example, two normal adults vent frustrations about their bosses. In the game version, they might start muttering insults in earshot of her, hoping to get a rise out of her. That would confirm their belief that she\u2019s overbearing, though it might get them fired (remember that many games are self-destructive). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It\u2019s interesting to note that, as Berne describes it, previously unharmful small talk can become unhealthy games when people grow closer. Why is this? It may be that before we know someone well, we \u201cput on a good face,\u201d so as not to conceal our less wonderful qualities. However, once we start to trust someone, we open up more\u2014which can lead to more authentic relating on the one hand, and exposure of our nastinesses as well. Berne might say that once you\u2019ve engaged in small talk with someone long enough, you can tell what games they\u2019ll play. So if you have games in common, you may only play them once you\u2019re sure you won\u2019t lose face by acting in a potentially unsavory way.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Couples Games<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Couples Games are the unhealthy habits that often develop between two people in a close, committed relationship. They can go on for years, and they may have a seriously negative effect on the players\u2019 lives. Some are what today we\u2019d call abuse.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Say for example a man holds the unconscious belief that \u201cwomen deserve no respect.\u201d He treats his partner poorly, gradually damaging her mental health. After a while depression sets in, and she starts gaining weight. Her partner then gets mad\u2014\u201cI can\u2019t believe you\u2019ve let yourself go like this.\u201d His belief led him to create a situation that \u201cproved\u201d his belief, and he\u2019s unconscious of it all along, Berne would say.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Berne does say that \u201cgame\u201d used as such isn\u2019t meant to trivialize these situations. Instead, it refers to the regulated<\/em> nature of such an interaction\u2014there\u2019s a discernible pattern it follows.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Whether abusers are aware of their behavior or not is up for debate. Stephanie A. Sarkis Ph.D.<\/a>, the author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People\u2014and Break Free<\/em><\/a>, suggests that some abusers are fully conscious of what they do and even study strategies to get better at it.<\/a> On the other hand, plenty of emotional abuse seems to get meted out by people unconscious of what they\u2019re doing<\/a>. This can lead to difficult situations where, for example, an emotionally unavailable partner is hardly aware of what they\u2019re doing. Automaticity, the phenomenon wherein habits become unconscious and second nature, may help to explain this. If Berne is right that our games develop in childhood, then they\u2019d surely be automatic by adulthood.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Sex Games<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Sex Games flirt around sexual interaction, but instead offload the \u201csatisfaction\u201d of healthy sexuality to the game\u2019s reward, according to Berne. In other words, people who play these derive pleasure from exchanges that stop short of actual sexual interaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Berne gives the example of \u201cKiss Off,\u201d where Player A might believe, \u201cOther people ought to want me, but can\u2019t have me.\u201d At a club or party, she teases and flirts mildly with other people. Someone pursues her, playing into her game, but she refuses advances beyond that initial flirtation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: This is a fairly mild example of where Berne\u2019s sexism seems to have influenced how he described some games. This category also demonstrates one of the weaknesses of Berne\u2019s approach: Most of the games make reference to Freud\u2019s psychosexual stages, which no longer enjoy much support<\/a>. For example, it\u2019s not much use to describe a woman\u2019s flirtatious tendencies as deriving from unconscious \u201cphallic\u201d frustrations. Berne is inconsistent in his language choices\u2014on the one hand, he argues that plain language, like in his game names, helps understanding. On the other hand, he still uses opaque Freudian jargon to diagnose many games. This may reflect Berne\u2019s competing desires to make T.A. accessible through Games People Play,<\/em> while also fighting for credibility in the academic community.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. Career Games<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Career Games are long-term games, and may consume the player\u2019s life. With serious career games, the player\u2019s lifestyle, character, health, and financial situation can all fall apart around the game. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAddict,\u201d for example, can last for years, and it often derails the player\u2019s life. Say Player A holds some belief like \u201cI am worthless.\u201d Various difficult circumstances (remember that each instance of a game has a unique history) lead Player A to substance abuse. This kicks off a destructive cycle that damages her health and position in society. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

People may try to help her\u2014likely playing \u201dGood Samaritan\u201d\u2014but according to Berne\u2019s model, Player A will find some way to perpetuate her game. She may feel more worthless because people want to help. It confirms her belief, reinforcing her game.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This game-loop may take years off the player\u2019s life, and it can remain unresolved without effective intervention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Though he doesn\u2019t place it in this category, Berne characterizes homosexuality as a pathological lifestyle: He calls gay men \u201cprofessional homosexuals,\u201d as if to suggest that it\u2019s a career game. And like career games, he argues that the game \u201cHomosexuality\u201d wastes time and handicaps the individual\u2019s ability to live a good life<\/a>. Psychiatry historically treated homosexuality as an illness to be cured.<\/a> This is actually a step back from Freud, who wrote that same-sex desire is neither an illness nor something to be ashamed of.<\/a> \u201cEgo-syntonic Homosexuality\u201d has since been removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders<\/a>, though Berne\u2019s blatant homophobia lives on in Games People Play.<\/em>)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Career games exemplify another point Berne makes: that people play their games at various intensities. He compares these to the severity of a crime: first-, second-, and third-degree.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n