{"id":59077,"date":"2022-02-10T13:12:23","date_gmt":"2022-02-10T17:12:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=59077"},"modified":"2022-02-17T10:39:42","modified_gmt":"2022-02-17T14:39:42","slug":"why-do-people-play-mind-games","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-do-people-play-mind-games\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Do People Play Mind Games?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Why do people play mind games? Do they serve a purpose?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>At some point in your life, you&#8217;ve most likely encountered somebody who likes to play mind games. According to psychiatrist Eric Berne, we all play mind games on each other\u2014it is a normal phase of psychological development. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here&#8217;s why we play mind games and why these games matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-mind-games-serve-several-important-purposes\">Mind <strong>Games Serve Several Important Purposes<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Because real intimacy is either unavailable or too terrifying to us, Berne says, we spend most of the time in our serious relationships playing games. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>He argues that despite the negative aspects of games, they provide important benefits. They\u2019re also a normal phase of psychological development\u2014we all learn to play games, and growing past them is like a sapling becoming an oak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Below, we\u2019ve broken down the main advantages that games provide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-1-games-keep-us-in-balance\">1. <strong>Games Keep Us in Balance<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Why do people play mind games? Well, <strong>we all need social recognition to remain healthy. Playing games gets us that, because games are social.<\/strong> Remember that any amount of social contact is better than none at all\u2014it\u2019s a biological concern. And so games maintain our baseline health even though they don\u2019t support higher well-being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Similarly, each time a game confirms one of your stances, it stabilizes your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-belief-system\/\">belief system<\/a>. This confirmation helps you feel secure in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-genius\/\">who you are<\/a> and how you relate to the world, Berne says.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: The implied argument here is that someone in solitary confinement would do worse than someone in an abusive relationship. There are caveats that Berne doesn\u2019t mention: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.prisonpolicy.org\/blog\/2020\/12\/08\/solitary_symposium\/\">Solitary confinement may predictably drive you crazy<\/a>, but <a href=\"https:\/\/www.domesticshelters.org\/articles\/identifying-abuse\/abuse-almost-always-escalates\">abuse can escalate rapidly<\/a>. Verbal abuse may suddenly become physical; a slap can become a gunshot. So when it comes to abusive situations, games may keep you alive <em>in theory<\/em>, but real life is more complex than that. Further, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/high-octane-women\/201201\/6-reasons-you-should-spend-more-time-alone\">a healthy degree of solitude can help you clear your mind, enrich your inner life, and work through tough problems without distraction<\/a>.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For psychologically unstable individuals, Berne states, the belief-stabilizing function of games is often essential to maintaining their sanity. If such an individual\u2019s game is broken up, they may experience a serious existential crisis.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Say Player A believes that \u201cAll others <em>must<\/em> show me respect.\u201d One day, his kid steps out of bounds and A blows up on them. But the kid unexpectedly holds her ground, which challenges Player A\u2019s whole self-image. Lacking the capacity to process this, A may \u201cshort-circuit\u201d psychologically.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Because of this risk, Berne says, <strong>always consider how stable you or another is before you try to break any games<\/strong>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Narcissism May Exemplify Unstable Game-Playing<\/strong><br><br>Many of those who display narcissism demonstrate Berne&#8217;s warning about unstable individuals. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/communication-success\/201807\/8-signs-narcissistic-rage\">Narcissists are prone to fits of rage, which often trigger when those close to them threaten the narcissist\u2019s inflexible, fragile sense of self<\/a>.<br><br><a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s12144-021-01577-y\">Some research has found that \u201cvulnerable\u201d narcissists lack much resilience<\/a>, which seems to support Berne\u2019s assertion. Yet the same study found that \u201cgrandiose\u201d narcissism correlates positively with resilience, leading to greater <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-mentally-tough\/\">mental toughness<\/a> in people with an inflated sense of superiority.<br><br>A third variety, histrionic narcissism, seems to fit the bill. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/communication-success\/202007\/7-signs-over-emotional-histrionic-narcissist\">Histrionic narcissists are prone to rage and intense emotional drama<\/a>, mainly when they feel they aren\u2019t receiving the attention and validation they want. Berne might say: By denying them that stroking, you\u2019ve threatened their fragile self-image and destabilized their existence.&nbsp;<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-2-games-keep-you-in-the-comfort-zone\">2. <strong>Games Keep You in the Comfort Zone<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Your games are habits: They\u2019re second-nature patterns that you default to using. Developing beyond existing habits is typically uncomfortable, requiring both psychological and behavioral growth. <strong>Games provide just enough satisfaction to keep us happy, so many never try to grow past them<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, if you play \u201cIt\u2019s Just Too Hard,\u201d you may consistently avoid taking necessary steps in your personal development. Each time your game confirms that \u201cIt\u2019s just too hard,\u201d you get more comfortable with settling, and the discomfort of growth becomes even less appealing. This is an inner benefit of games: They keep you from having to live effortfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Games also help you avoid the external, real-world experiences that, according to Berne, you\u2019re unconsciously afraid of. For example, \u201cIt\u2019s Just Too Hard\u201d might help you avoid developing some new skill\u2014like practicing public speaking on-stage.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/seligman-positive-psychology\/\">Positive Psychology<\/a> <a href=\"https:\/\/positivepsychology.com\/comfort-zone\/\">discusses how leaving the comfort zone is essential to growth<\/a>, lending support to Berne\u2019s implication that games generally keep us stagnant. On the other hand, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.waldenu.edu\/programs\/psychology\/resource\/the-pros-and-cons-of-comfort-zones\">our comfort zones are where we rejuvenate and relax<\/a>. The key is to balance it: Push your limits, then rest, and gradually expand your capacities. In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Art-Learning-Journey-Optimal-Performance\/dp\/0743277465\"><em>The Art of Learning<\/em><\/a>, Josh Waitzkin argues for an incremental approach to growth, as above. Just as you can overdo physical exercise and injure yourself, you might also cause yourself undue anxiety if you\u2019re overly focused on changing. Healthy growth, Waitzkin argues, comes from a foundation of psychological well-being, which you can find by practicing acceptance of your emotions.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-3-playing-games-structures-our-close-relationships\">3. <strong>Playing Games Structures Our Close Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Your games substitute for real intimacy, Berne states. <strong>Most of us either can\u2019t handle intimacy or have no opportunities to experience it. So instead, we play games<\/strong>. They\u2019re rewarding enough to maintain our baseline health, even if they aren\u2019t as fulfilling as intimacy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The games you play in your closer relationships also give extra \u201cadvantages\u201d in your casual relationships. Berne says that \u201cLet\u2019s You and Him Fight,\u201d where a woman causes two men to fight over her, gives her two advantages. First, she gets to feel desirable. Second, she gets to chat about it with her friends\u2014and that small talk is a secondary benefit of the game.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: While Berne doesn\u2019t explain this in <em>Games People Play<\/em>, <a href=\"http:\/\/www.crowe-associates.co.uk\/psychotherapy\/time-structuring\/\">outside sources describe his forms of social time\u2014withdrawal, rituals, small talk, activities, games, and intimacy\u2014as choices for interaction along a spectrum of intensity<\/a>. When you\u2019re less familiar with someone, you\u2019ll order that social time with pastimes. When you\u2019re more comfortable with someone, you may start to relate to them through activities. Games come into play as our main way of structuring our close relationships. Further along lies intimacy, which <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/10.1177\/0265407598154001\">corresponds strongly with personal need fulfillment<\/a>. This seems to indirectly corroborate Berne\u2019s intuition that games constitute a lesser form of relationship.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-why-games-matter\"><strong>Why Games Matter<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Games play a more significant role in our lives than we realize. Since we\u2019re typically unconscious of them, they can impact us in ways we don\u2019t understand. For example, you might feel confounded by an inability to build a lasting relationship. This could be due to a game you\u2019re playing!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Berne gives several reasons to explain the \u201cso what?\u201d of games, which we\u2019ve distilled below along this theme: Games quietly influence how our lives unfold, often beneath our awareness. <strong>Unless we notice them and learn to change them, we\u2019ll get stuck in patterns we never chose for ourselves.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>#1: Your games are your inherited relational style. <\/strong>They come from at least as far back as your grandparents, Berne says, and possibly up to 100 years. They\u2019re how you deal with discomfort and how you relate to the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-people-closest-to-you\/\">people closest to you<\/a> (even if it\u2019s by arguing over dinner spots). You express your characteristic emotions through your games\u2014for example, Mr. Vesuvius\u2019 outburst-game is a major part of who he is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>So if you\u2019re unaware of your games, you probably don\u2019t have a great handle on how you habitually relate to others. Or of the emotional palette and patterns that compose your life. Becoming aware of them is the first step toward more consciously shaping that social-relational style.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC3885143\/\">One study found that nurture, more than nature, appears to predict adult attachment styles<\/a>. This seems to support Berne\u2019s case: That how we\u2019re raised, more than genetics (he doesn\u2019t mention this) determines how we relate to others. On the other hand, consider that your family\u2019s inherited games are like your \u201cemotional genetics\u201d: traits and habits that persist through many generations. If we\u2019re raised through persistent, inherited habits, is \u201cnurture\u201d much different from the inherited \u201cnature\u201d of our genes? This likely depends on whether your parents strictly followed what they were given, or broke off and developed their own perspectives. But could that inclination to individuate also be an inherited, nature-set tendency?)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>#2: You may unknowingly pass your games on. <\/strong>Much of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/raising-children\/\">raising children<\/a>, Berne says, happens as we unconsciously teach children our games. Children imitate their parents, so if they see you berating the dog when you spill soup, they\u2019ll absorb that\u2014\u201cwhen something upsetting happens, dump your frustration onto vulnerable others.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Becoming aware of your games is therefore a significant opportunity to break your family\u2019s negative cycles. Maybe you\u2019ve inherited a dysfunctional relationship with anger, or crippling shyness, or mildly narcissistic tendencies\u2014we all get <em>something<\/em> that\u2019s not great. But if we can notice these (and learn to change them), we put ourselves in a position to raise healthier children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: <a href=\"https:\/\/blog.vsecu.com\/breaking-generational-curses\">This is much like the idea of generational curses<\/a>: Repeated stories and behaviors pass from parents to children, such that the kids live lives similar to their parents\u2019. Breaking these can help us to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nytimes.com\/1978\/07\/01\/archives\/when-ones-son-is-a-chip-off-the-old-block-a-cylinder-blockand-it.html\">be more than just a \u201cchip off the old block,\u201d<\/a> freeing us to develop in our own directions. The difficulty is that our education skips over \u201cHow to Grow 101,\u201d leaving most to learn how to overcome unhealthy habits, and form new ones, on their own. The habit loop\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/atomic-habits\">James Clear explains a habit as a cycle of cue \u2192 craving \u2192 response \u2192 reward<\/a>\u2014is one piece of the puzzle. When wielded with sufficient self-awareness, it can enable you to untangle inherited habits and, as Clear explains, to reshape your identity to support new behaviors.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>#3: Your games determine who enters your life. <\/strong>Your close social circle and your intimate relationships are both made up of people who mesh with your games, Berne says. But maybe yours aren\u2019t too healthy, so you keep ending up in failed relationships, or you find that old friendships feel frozen in time. Maybe your games are <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/whats-holding-you-back\/\">holding you back<\/a>, and you aren\u2019t even aware of them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We inherit our games but they don\u2019t fully reflect our unique personalities, Berne says. So we can infer that if you form relationships according to games you didn\u2019t consciously choose, those relationships won\u2019t really match you either. So again, learning your games and reshaping those habits puts you in a better position to live consciously, as opposed to being governed by unconscious, inherited forces.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: <a href=\"https:\/\/news.ku.edu\/2016\/02\/19\/new-study-finds-our-desire-minded-others-hard-wired-controls-friend-and-partner\">A 2016 study found that \u201copposites attract\u201d actually isn\u2019t true<\/a>. In contrast, Berne\u2019s view seems accurate\u2014the study\u2019s authors say that we choose partners who are very similar to us. When we meet a potential partner, we look for shared values and common ground. We also look for shared behavioral tendencies, like Berne suggests. The more connections we can find, the more we\u2019ll trust that person, and feel that we can cooperate with them toward shared goals. Picking your partner based on these similarities is so common, they say, that it\u2019s practically a \u201cpsychological default.\u201d)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why do people play mind games? Do they serve a purpose? At some point in your life, you&#8217;ve most likely encountered somebody who likes to play mind games. According to psychiatrist Eric Berne, we all play mind games on each other\u2014it is a normal phase of psychological development. Here&#8217;s why we play mind games and why these games matter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":59094,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[568],"class_list":["post-59077","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-games-people-play","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why Do People Play Mind Games? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Why do people play mind games? Games play a more significant role in our lives than we realize. 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