{"id":58522,"date":"2022-01-12T13:12:00","date_gmt":"2022-01-12T17:12:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=58522"},"modified":"2022-01-18T16:50:29","modified_gmt":"2022-01-18T20:50:29","slug":"can-we-control-our-emotions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/","title":{"rendered":"Can We Control Our Emotions?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Can we control our emotions? And if so, to what extent? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Starting in childhood, we\u2019re socialized to believe we should be able to control our emotions. The truth is that we can regulate only a small fraction of our thoughts and emotions\u2014most of them are subconscious and beyond our control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here is why we actually exert less control over our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/thoughts-feelings-and-behaviors\/\">thoughts and feelings<\/a> than we think we do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-can-emotions-be-controlled\">Can Emotions Be Controlled? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>We are told to control our emotions from early childhood. Think of a parent telling their toddler to \u201cbe a big boy\u201d and stop crying. We learn, at some point in our development, that we can control our emotions\u2014or, at the very least, the expression thereof.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-do-children-learn\/\">How Children Learn<\/a> They \u201cShould\u201d Control Their Emotions<\/strong><br><br>Research has identified <a href=\"https:\/\/www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/pmc\/articles\/PMC1513625\/\">three dominant ways<\/a> we\u2019re socialized to experience our emotions in early childhood:<br><br>How our parents react to our emotions: If a parent tells their child to stop crying, the child thinks they <em>should<\/em> be able to stop, even though children have <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/poor-impulse-control\/\">poor impulse control<\/a>.<br><br>How our parents discuss emotions: If a parent tells a child to control their anger, the child picks up the idea that anger is bad.&nbsp;<br><br>How parents express emotion: If a child sees a parent trying to control their own emotions, the child assumes that they can and should learn how to control their emotions, too.&nbsp;<br><br>Similarly, as children get older, they pick up further lessons about emotions from their peers, through:&nbsp;how their peers react to their emotions, how their peers discuss emotions, and how their peers express emotion.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Furthermore, we assume we have control over our thoughts and emotions because, as humans, we\u2019re able to control the physical world and transform it for our use. It\u2019s hard to accept that the same species that invented the internal combustion engine by harnessing the power of fire, steel, and steam can\u2019t simply dismiss an unhappy thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, this idea is one of the fundamental claims of many self-help books, such as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-happiness-advantage\/1-page-summary\"><em>The Happiness Advantage<\/em><\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-power-of-positive-thinking\"><em>The Power of Positive Thinking<\/em><\/a>. These books argue that you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/control-your-thoughts\/\">control your thoughts<\/a> and feelings to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/challenge-negative-thoughts\/\">replace negative thoughts<\/a>, like anger and guilt, with positive ones, like joy and gratitude.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>However, we actually exert less control over our thoughts and feelings than we think we do: Tell yourself not to think of an elephant. Now, you\u2019re probably thinking of an elephant. Therefore, you don\u2019t control your thoughts.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Plus, the more intense our negative thoughts become, the more difficult they are to control. So while it may be possible to dismiss something minor, like irritation that your child is chewing with their mouth open, it would be much more difficult to dismiss grief over a loved one\u2019s death.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-most-thoughts-are-beyond-our-awareness-and-control\"><strong>Most Thoughts Are Beyond Our Awareness and Control<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The truth is that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.scientificamerican.com\/article\/can-we-control-our-thoughts\/\">we only control a small minority of our thoughts<\/a>.&nbsp;Most of our thoughts are subconscious, meaning that they\u2019re part of a constant background process of thinking. A small fraction of these slip into our conscious thinking, but we are unaware of the rest, and, thus, we don\u2019t have the power to dismiss them.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Even actions that we believe we\u2019ve actively chosen are executed largely by unconscious processes. For instance, we can choose to try to catch a football when it\u2019s thrown to us, but the action of actually catching the football is something that the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-unconscious-mind\/\">unconscious mind<\/a> is more responsible for than the conscious one. This might be why we\u2019re often surprised when our reflexes take over\u2014like when your roommate unexpectedly tosses you the keys to the apartment and your hand snaps out to catch them.&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Can we control our emotions? And if so, to what extent? Starting in childhood, we\u2019re socialized to believe we should be able to control our emotions. The truth is that we can regulate only a small fraction of our thoughts and emotions\u2014most of them are subconscious and beyond our control. Here is why we actually exert less control over our thoughts and feelings than we think we do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":33777,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[565],"class_list":["post-58522","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","tag-the-happiness-trap","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Can We Control Our Emotions? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Starting in early childhood, we are socialized to believe that we can control our emotions. But is it really so? Can emotions be controlled?\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Can We Control Our Emotions?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Starting in early childhood, we are socialized to believe that we can control our emotions. But is it really so? Can emotions be controlled?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2022-01-12T17:12:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-01-18T20:50:29+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/emotions.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1115\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"621\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Can We Control Our Emotions?\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-01-12T17:12:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-01-18T20:50:29+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/\"},\"wordCount\":634,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/emotions.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Happiness Trap\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/\",\"name\":\"Can We Control Our Emotions? - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/can-we-control-our-emotions\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/emotions.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2022-01-12T17:12:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-01-18T20:50:29+00:00\",\"description\":\"Starting in early childhood, we are socialized to believe that we can control our emotions. 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