{"id":57799,"date":"2022-01-06T13:50:26","date_gmt":"2022-01-06T17:50:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=57799"},"modified":"2025-10-03T10:13:41","modified_gmt":"2025-10-03T14:13:41","slug":"chronically-unhappy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/chronically-unhappy\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Worst Habits of Chronically Unhappy People"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Does approval from others make you happy? Do you struggle to form healthy relationships<\/a>? Do you think you may be chronically unhappy<\/a>? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Someone who is chronically unhappy likely wants to be happy but is in the wrong mindset. Chronically unhappy people seek validation from others<\/a>, set impossible goals that can’t be met, and sabotage their own relationships with toxic behavior. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learn about the top three behaviors of chronically unhappy people so you can work to improve your mindset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Editor\u2019s note: This article is part of\u00a0Shortform\u2019s guide to habits<\/a>. If you like what you read here, there\u2019s plenty more to check out in the guide!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

How Unhappy People Choose to See the World<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

According to Kishimi and Koga, there are two goals to choose from when it comes to our relationships with others<\/a>:<\/strong> We can interact with others in hopes of either earning their approval or<\/em> contributing positively to their lives. Chronically unhappy people choose the former, while happy people choose the latter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The concept that we should ideally interact with others without expecting their approval or anything else in return is a common idea\u2014the 18th-century philosopher Immanuel Kant used it as the basis of his definition of universal morality<\/a>. Among those who express this idea, Kishimi and Koga take an extreme stance, declaring it the basis of all<\/em> lasting happiness<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this article, we\u2019re going to examine the unhappy lifestyle that inevitably results from the goal of external approval. Afterward, we\u2019ll take a look at the fulfilling lifestyle of someone who makes it their goal to help others unconditionally\u2014the happy life available to you at any time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Unhappy People Aim for External Approval<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Kishimi and Koga argue that unhappy people make it their ultimate goal to earn the approval of others. <\/strong>In other words, unhappy people believe that the key to happiness<\/a> is to be recognized as \u201cgood\u201d by someone else. Kishimi and Koga make it clear that no matter who this external source of approval is\u2014a teacher, a parent, society\u2014the result is the same: unhappiness. <\/strong>Essentially, unhappy people all cling to the unhealthy belief that if others like you, it means you\u2019re a \u201cgood person.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kishimi and Koga note that most unhappy people assume this need to be liked is an inescapable part of the human condition. Everyone craves approval, they think; it\u2019s just how we\u2019re built. These people have it backwards: Humans don\u2019t crave approval because it makes us happy, approval makes us happy <\/strong>because we crave it<\/em><\/strong>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

External Approval Isn\u2019t Worth Pursuing<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Kishimi and Koga also note that even if unhappy people successfully earn the approval of others, they do so at great cost. By chasing approval, unhappy people ultimately end up living other people\u2019s lives<\/strong>. Instead of pursuing their own goals, unhappy people follow the expectations of others, sacrificing their own desires (and happiness) in the process. For example, a young adult may decide to go to medical school to please their parents despite hating the idea of being a doctor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Biological Need for Approval<\/a><\/strong>

There is some evidence to dispute Kishimi and Koga\u2019s claim that approval only makes us happy because we\u2019ve chosen to want it. In Digital Minimalism, <\/em>Cal Newport explains how humans are biologically predisposed to base their happiness on social approval<\/strong>.<\/a> Unhappy people may not have chosen this goal at all\u2014it\u2019s a drive they\u2019re born with.

Neuroscientists have identified a set of regions in the brain that activates whenever you\u2019re not concentrating on any specific task, which they named the \u201cdefault network.\u201d They discovered that the default network is the same network that activates when humans navigate social situations, indicating that unless we intentionally do otherwise, we\u2019re constantly monitoring the status of our relationships with others.<\/strong> The default network lights up even in the brains of newborn babies, showing that social cognition is deeply rooted in our biology.

Does this mean that Kishimi and Koga are wrong? Are we biologically driven to abandon what we really want and live the lives other people want us to? Not necessarily\u2014unlike Newport, Kishimi and Koga make a distinction between the need for social approval and the need for positive social connection.<\/strong> As we\u2019ll discuss in the final part of this guide, Kishimi and Koga would argue that it\u2019s possible to satisfy our social needs through unconditional contribution to others<\/em> instead of conditional approval from others<\/em>.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

2. Unhappy People Must Cope With an Impossible Goal<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve established that external approval is ultimately unfulfilling. However, this isn\u2019t the worst consequence of making approval from others your end goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kishimi and Koga imply that <\/strong>the main problem with making approval from others your ultimate goal is that much of the time, this goal is impossible to achieve<\/strong>. In the majority of cases, approval is conditional\u2014others will like you only if you do what they want you to do. This means that whether or not others approve of you is out of your control. <\/strong>Sometimes, there will be nothing you can do to get someone to like you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After failing to achieve this impossible goal, unhappy people cope with their failure in two interconnected ways, which we\u2019ll explore below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Coping Mechanism #1: Avoiding the Impossible Goal<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Kishimi and Koga explain that when faced with the often impossible task of earning the approval of others, unhappy people often cope by setting a new goal: to avoid trying and failing to earn the approval of others<\/em>. Instead of pursuing the impossible goal, they choose not to try at all. As a result, they unconsciously manufacture negative emotions such as fear and self-loathing to avoid trying to win others\u2019 approval. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Unhappy People Avoid Forming Healthy Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Unhappy people\u2019s need for external approval doesn\u2019t just make them feel bad about themselves\u2014it also actively prevents them from forming healthy relationships with others. Kishimi and Koga make it clear that as long as you\u2019re trying to earn someone else\u2019s approval, it\u2019s impossible to forge a mutually satisfying relationship with them. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In Attached<\/em>, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller offer a counterargument: Not only is it possible to forge fulfilling romantic relationships without abandoning a dependence<\/a> on external approval, healthy relationships require<\/em> a constant stream of mutual approval and support.<\/a> Levine and Heller argue that we\u2019re only able to reach our full potential as independent individuals if we have a \u201csecure base\u201d of a loved one\u2019s reliable approval.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The authors argue that seeking approval from others disrupts your relationships for two reasons. Let\u2019s explore each in detail. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Does approval from others make you happy? Do you struggle to form healthy relationships? Do you think you may be chronically unhappy? Someone who is chronically unhappy likely wants to be happy but is in the wrong mindset. Chronically unhappy people seek validation from others, set impossible goals that can’t be met, and sabotage their own relationships with toxic behavior. Learn about the top three behaviors of chronically unhappy people so you can work to improve your mindset.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":27637,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,12,43],"tags":[563],"class_list":["post-57799","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-the-courage-to-be-disliked","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nThe 3 Worst Habits of Chronically Unhappy People - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Chronically unhappy people want to be happy but don't know how to. They often fall into these three behaviors that must be fixed. 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