{"id":57479,"date":"2021-12-29T00:02:32","date_gmt":"2021-12-29T04:02:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=57479"},"modified":"2022-01-06T14:03:36","modified_gmt":"2022-01-06T18:03:36","slug":"how-to-practice-detachment","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-practice-detachment\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Practice Detachment and Self-Care"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What to know how to practice<\/a> detachment? What tips does Melody Beattie suggest for practicing self-care<\/a>? How should you handle setbacks<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you are a codependent person, then practicing detachment and self-care are important steps in your recovery process. It’s important to detach yourself from a situation and reflect on how you feel in order to treat yourself with kindness and honesty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Continue reading to learn how to step away from codependent behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Art of Detachment<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If you want to know how to practice detachment, here are some tips from the book Codependent No More. <\/em>According to author Melody Beattie, the most important way to practice detachment and self-care is to step back from a situation and ask yourself, \u201cWhat do I need or want in this moment?\u201d<\/strong> This lets you reflect on your emotional state, responsibilities, and energy levels before making a decision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Beattie adds that there are a couple of principles to remember when considering your wants and needs. First, don\u2019t shoot yourself down, even if you think a need or want is selfish or inconsequential. Be compassionate with yourself<\/a> and remember that your wants and needs are just as important as everyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Furthermore, prioritizing your own needs and wants is not selfish\u2014it is self-care<\/a>. Selfishness involves taking things away from other people for yourself, while self-care is providing for yourself.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Second, Beattie stresses the importance of being honest when you ask yourself what you need.<\/strong> Self-care can sometimes mean things like desserts, rewards, and fun outings, but it can also mean making that phone call, doing that task, or apologizing to that person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n[Shortform note: The key to honest self-care is finding a balance between celebrating your successes and acknowledging your shortcomings<\/a>. Maybe you completed a project, but you also ordered takeout when you\u2019re trying to eat healthily. Honest self-care celebrates completing the project, acknowledges the shortcoming of dinner, and makes a plan to improve in the future (maybe you need to prepare dinner earlier or cook in bulk on the weekends). You honestly assess your shortcomings, and you recognize the work you need to do to practice self-care.]\n\n\n\n

How to Practice Difficult Self-Care<\/strong>

Providing for yourself and honoring what you need or want isn\u2019t always fun, but there are some steps you can take<\/a> to make difficult tasks easier. Break your difficult task into smaller, more manageable steps, speak encouragingly to yourself, and track your energy levels so you can schedule difficult tasks for when you\u2019re most energized.

For example, if you have to make a difficult phone call, you can break the call into a few steps, such as writing out the most important points and deciding where you\u2019re going to make the call. If you know you\u2019re more energized in the morning, you can schedule the phone call for right after breakfast, when you\u2019ll be best<\/a> able to handle the mental pressure. Right before the call, spend some time encouraging yourself. This will put you in a more positive mindset<\/a> to complete your task.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Ask for Help<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Once you\u2019ve determined your needs and wants, Beattie explains that the next step is to ask yourself, \u201cWhat do I need or want from <\/strong>other people<\/em><\/strong> in this moment?\u201d<\/strong> and then to actually ask<\/em> them for it. Codependents struggle with this, as they would rather give help or attention than receive it, but learning how to follow through on your needs and wants is a vital step to self-care.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Beattie, one of the things everyone needs from others is positive attention.<\/strong> Pay attention to those needs and take steps to fulfill them. Asking for a hug is especially powerful, as hugging releases endorphins, which make you happier and more at ease. (Shortform note: Hugging also releases stress, lowers blood pressure, and boosts your immune system<\/a>. In fact, hugging is so important to your health that doctors recommend a minimum of four hugs a day.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you have difficulty asking for or finding someone to give you positive attention, Beattie suggests getting it second-hand through your own actions. Try giving out compliments. Make sure they\u2019re honest, but give them out freely. It\u2019ll make both you and the other person happy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It may seem backward to give someone else compliments when you\u2019re craving positive attention. However, studies show that complimenting<\/a> other people boosts your own mood. In addition, people tend to mirror behavior<\/a>, so if you start complimenting or paying attention<\/a> to another person, they\u2019ll be more likely to reciprocate.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Asking for Attention Doesn\u2019t Make You Needy<\/strong>

Codependents find it difficult to ask for help because they haven\u2019t been able to rely on others in the past and they want to avoid being a burden<\/a>. Asking for positive attention can be even harder because it requires emotional vulnerability. In addition, many people are afraid of appearing needy or \u201cattention-seeking<\/a>.\u201d However, needing positive attention is a normal part of the human experience. Everyone needs support and care, and there are a few ways you can go about asking for it.

Taking a five languages quiz<\/a> is a great way of opening up a discussion about your needs because it\u2019s a more lighthearted way of addressing a serious topic. These quizzes can help you identify what kind of affection you\u2019re craving by explaining the different kinds and how they manifest, which will help you meet those needs.

When asking for positive attention, don\u2019t criticize the other person for not noticing your needs. Many people feel like their needs are obvious to others, but this is rarely true. Focus on the positives<\/a> and be clear about what you need, rather than passive-aggressive.\u00a0<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Prioritize Yourself<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

According to Beattie, an important part of self-care is prioritizing yourself<\/a>.<\/strong> When other people ask you for help, consider yourself first. Do you have the energy, time, and resources to help? Is this a responsibility? Do only what you\u2019re responsible for and comfortably can, and try not to feel guilty if that\u2019s not perfect or exactly what the other person wanted. If the problem isn\u2019t your responsibility to fix, then you\u2019re doing yourself and the other person a favor by refraining.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This might seem counterintuitive since you\u2019re refusing the other person\u2019s request. However, Beattie explains that codependents often end up in maladaptive cycles of behavior. You take care of someone else\u2019s responsibilities and they in turn neglect those responsibilities even more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In these cases, Beattie maintains that refusing to take on those responsibilities will lessen your stress and allow you to focus on your real duties, and it\u2019ll help the other person by forcing them to take responsibility<\/a><\/strong> for their own life. The other person probably won\u2019t see your refusal in this positive light, but in the end, you\u2019ll both be healthier and more balanced individuals who can take care of yourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: People react badly to being refused, even if the refusal is good for them, as Beattie suggests is the case in codependent relationships. Your refusal means the other person has to take responsibility for themselves, and if they\u2019ve shirked responsibility for a long time, they\u2019re going to react negatively. To encourage them to take responsibility while minimizing pushback, be an example of personal responsibility yourself<\/a>. Be very clear that you expect them to take responsibility, and reward them when they do.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Importance of Saying \u201cNo\u201d<\/strong>

As discussed previously, saying no<\/a> to people\u2014in essence, what Beattie is advocating here\u2014is not selfish. You\u2019re not taking anything away from someone by denying their request. That said, saying no can still feel hard, especially if you\u2019re not used to doing so. 

In Essentialism<\/em>, Greg McKeown provides tips<\/a> on how to say no:

1. Remember that rejecting the request isn\u2019t the same as rejecting the asker.<\/strong>
2. Remember why you\u2019re saying no.<\/strong>
3. Be clear with your answer.<\/strong>

McKeown also suggests phrasing your answer gently, without outright using the word \u201cno.\u201d Beattie contradicts this, saying that being clear and asserting your right to say \u201cno\u201d is important. Beattie\u2019s advice is especially true for codependents first starting their healing journey, as they\u2019re just learning to prioritize themselves. As you grow used to prioritizing yourself, you can move to gentler phrasing.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Miscellaneous Tips on Detachment<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Now that we\u2019ve covered the basics of how to detach and practice self-care, here are some final tips on how to succeed in the process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Beattie, detachment often involves distancing yourself from hurtful past experiences and, in the process, practicing forgiveness<\/a>. Some codependents don\u2019t do so, instead holding on to their anger. Allowing yourself to feel angry is healthy, but don\u2019t let it stop you from detaching.<\/strong> Remember, detaching is about you. The person who hurt you may deserve your anger, but you don\u2019t deserve to have your autonomy taken away by them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Beattie focuses on the psychological effects of forgiveness: specifically, that forgiving someone lets you control your life rather than letting anger dictate your actions. However, there are significant physical benefits<\/a> that come from forgiveness as well. When you hold on to anger, your body reacts like you\u2019re sick and produces high amounts of white blood cells. Forgiveness allows your body to return to a healthy state.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Handling Setbacks<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Beattie also stresses the importance of being gentle with yourself when trying to detach. You\u2019re teaching yourself<\/a> a new way of thinking by putting yourself first, and that takes time. Setbacks are therefore a normal part of the healing process,<\/strong> and you should forgive yourself<\/a> when you experience them. Setbacks can manifest in a variety of ways, including a return to maladaptive coping<\/a> mechanisms, ignoring your needs, or getting into a relationship with another addict. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Beattie warns that setbacks are painful and upsetting, and you may wonder if there\u2019s any point in trying to heal when experiencing one. There is. Every time you get up after a setback and keep working toward healing, you\u2019re making progress and training your brain to put your needs first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Handle Setbacks<\/strong>

How can you handle setbacks? Beattie doesn\u2019t say, but we have a few tips for handling them healthily<\/a>:

1) Remember how far you\u2019ve come since the beginning of your recovery.<\/strong> Experiencing a setback makes you feel like your efforts to heal were useless. Remember your experiences before you started healing. You\u2019ll be relieved to remember how much better you\u2019ve gotten at taking care of yourself. You\u2019ll also be motivated to keep going, as you\u2019ll remember that progress is possible.

2) Go back to the basics of recovery.<\/strong> You might\u2019ve moved past basic coping mechanisms like asking yourself what you need and want as you recovered. Going back to these principles will reinforce the foundation of your recovery and make you more confident.

3) Schedule easy and fun activities to boost your mood.<\/strong> This will give you a boost of happiness and confidence to help you through the setback.You can also plan ahead for setbacks. When you\u2019re having a good day, try writing yourself \u201crainy day letters\u201d: Write about how great your good day is and include plenty of encouragement for the next time you experience a setback.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What to know how to practice detachment? What tips does Melody Beattie suggest for practicing self-care? How should you handle setbacks? If you are a codependent person, then practicing detachment and self-care are important steps in your recovery process. It’s important to detach yourself from a situation and reflect on how you feel in order to treat yourself with kindness and honesty. Continue reading to learn how to step away from codependent behavior.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":57540,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,43],"tags":[560],"class_list":["post-57479","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-self-improvement","tag-codependent-no-more","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Practice Detachment and Self-Care - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you have a codependent personality, learning how to practice detachment will help you reflect on your feelings and needs. 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