{"id":57477,"date":"2021-12-28T14:13:52","date_gmt":"2021-12-28T18:13:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=57477"},"modified":"2021-12-31T18:04:11","modified_gmt":"2021-12-31T22:04:11","slug":"what-causes-codependency","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-causes-codependency\/","title":{"rendered":"What Causes Codependency? The Underlying Factors"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What causes codependency traits<\/a> to form? How are codependency and stress linked? Is there a way to combat codependent tendencies?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her book Codependent No More, <\/em>Melody Beattie states that codependency is a reaction to prolonged stress. In most cases, you won’t even realize that your codependent tendencies are forming, because they build up over time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Below is an exploration into what causes codependency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Roots of Codependency<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Beattie states that codependency is a reaction to prolonged and often extreme stress<\/strong>. While temporary stress won\u2019t make a big difference in your overall behavior, what causes codependency to form is prolonged and extreme stress does. If your husband is late coming home once, you might worry, but after he gets home safely, you leave the stress behind. When you never know if your husband is coming home, the stress continues and grows every day. And<\/strong> every day, your unhealthy coping<\/a> mechanisms become more ingrained and habitual.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

These habitual coping mechanisms usually result in \u201creaction mode.\u201d When in reaction mode, you\u2019ll react to things in both healthy and unhealthy ways, but you\u2019ll almost never act<\/em> on your own volition, Beattie explains. You’ll make decisions solely based on others\u2019 actions and how they make you feel. Instead of being able to make decisions and head off problematic behavior, you\u2019re only able to react after the damage has been done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eventually, Beattie notes, even leaving the stress behind isn\u2019t enough to return to normality. Reaction mode has become your new normal<\/strong>, and you subconsciously cling to the same coping mechanisms, even though they have started hurting you rather than helping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In business situations, reaction mode occurs when a company cares more about profits than their employees<\/a>. Companies cut their workforce to save money, and their employees struggle to run the company, reacting<\/em> to one problem after another. In the same way, codependents don\u2019t allot enough time or attention to themselves, and they struggle to live their lives, reacting to everyone else.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Escape Habitual Stress<\/strong>

Beattie discusses habits in the context of both habitual stress and habitual coping mechanisms. In general, habits can be good<\/a>. They increase your brain\u2019s efficiency by lessening the energy you spend making everyday decisions. According to Charles Duhigg\u2019s The Power of Habit<\/em><\/a>, 40% of your daily actions are habitual.

However, habits can also be dangerous. When a habit forms around a stressful situation, your brain becomes more susceptible to stress. Let\u2019s look at how this works:

1. You experience a stressful situation. Continuing our example, your husband is late coming home.
2. Your brain makes a connection between stress and being away from your husband.
3. The next time you\u2019re away from your husband, you feel stressed and may not know why. If you don\u2019t recognize what\u2019s happening, you can\u2019t counter the stress response<\/a>.
4. Every time you fail to counter the response, the stress habit grows stronger.

To stop this process, identify the habitual stress connection<\/a>. Your brain is too efficient for you to notice the initial connection, but you can recognize when the connection is being reinforced. For instance, if your husband is at work and you feel stressed, the connection is being reinforced. Take the opportunity to schedule an enjoyable activity; this alters the connection your brain makes and reduces your stress. <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Causes of Stress<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Codependency is associated with substance abuse because substance abuse is a clear and persistent cause of stress. However, Beattie argues that codependency can crop up in any situation of \u201cfamily illness,\u201d when one member of a group has a problem and the repercussions spread to the entire group.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Most well-known family illnesses are mental disorders<\/a>, but other situations like high-stress jobs or chronic illness can also cause codependency. While some people living with a family illness experience an increase in motivation<\/a> in the face of the challenge, most experience depression, anxiety, and resentment for the affected party.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Underlying Stress<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

The source of stress is not always as obvious as substance abuse. Beattie emphasizes that some families experience codependency without any clear cause<\/strong>: no history of substance abuse, no highly stressful situation, and no particularly needy family members. So what is the source of the stress? What traps you in reaction mode?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In these cases, the problem is usually the underlying family system, Beattie explains. All families have unspoken rules that govern how members behave and interact with one another. These rules develop naturally and can either help or stifle your family\u2019s communication.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Families that discourage open communication are at high risk for codependency.<\/strong> In a family like this, you feel the need to repress your emotions. You need to be perfect and untroublesome, and you maintain the status quo even when change would be good. The stress of following or reacting to<\/em> these rules can cause codependency. This kind of codependency is dangerous, Beattie warns, because it\u2019s difficult to detect the source. Underlying family systems have few obvious problems, and there is no established solution as there is for addiction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why It\u2019s Important to Recognize Your Family System<\/strong>

Underlying family systems like those Beattie describes are also called rules of engagement<\/a>, and you learn them through trial and error. When you engage in a certain behavior and receive negative reactions, your brain prohibits the behavior. Some families might have spoken values, such as “You can tell us anything,” but the underlying system enforces the opposite. For example, Mark\u2019s parents say he can tell them anything, but when he shares his problems or feelings, they tell him to man up or brush him off.

Common family systems include discouraging talk about feelings or difficult topics, requiring you to act in certain ways because of your age or sex, and enforcing that your worth comes from success.

Every family has different rules of engagement, and it causes interpersonal conflict<\/a> when people\u2019s rules clash. If you grew up not talking about difficult situations, your husband wanting to discuss them feels threatening. If you grew up with a healthy communication dynamic, your friend might seem cold and standoff-ish because she doesn\u2019t open up emotionally. Evaluating your family rules, and trying to understand those of others, can therefore help you foster stronger relationships and practice better communication.

If you know your family system discouraged communication, caused stress, and therefore left you at high risk of codependency, be proactive<\/a> in preventing it by using the techniques discussed in this guide. This is important because there aren\u2019t established solutions for healing family systems like there are for addiction, so you need to take charge of your healing.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Example #1: Reaction Mode Triggered by Extreme Stress<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

George is an alcoholic. He regularly goes into town and comes back drunk, or he doesn\u2019t come back until the next morning. His wife Maria never knows where he is or when he\u2019ll be coming back, nor the condition he\u2019ll be in when he does return. When the problem starts, she calls his employers, friends, and favorite bars looking for him. This checking becomes a habit until she calls even when George comes home on time and sober.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maria is dragged about by her husband\u2019s behavior. She can\u2019t control him; she can only mitigate the damage. After years of living in reaction mode, Maria can\u2019t make decisions. All her choices revolve around George\u2019s actions, even when he starts treatment and the stress is relieved. Reaction mode has become an integral part of how her brain works. It has become a dangerous habit, and Maria might not even realize it exists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example #2: Reaction Mode Triggered by Underlying Stress<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Bobby grew up in an average, middle-class family. He has no family history of substance abuse, chronic illness, or other obvious family illnesses, and he had an overall pleasant childhood. Externally, everything seemed fine. But under the surface, the family system was putting stress on Bobby that would eventually manifest as codependency. Let\u2019s look at what happened:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bobby\u2019s family isn\u2019t one for emotional displays. Whether intentionally or not, his parents have shown that such displays are weak, childish, or annoying. They reward restraint and disapprove of complaints. As a result, Bobby grows up repressing his emotions. He doesn\u2019t ask his parents for help because he feels he should handle his problems alone. He feels pressured to always be calm and in control, not letting his desires or emotions impact his actions. When he succeeds, the adults in his life praise him for his maturity. When he fails, people say he needs to grow up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The family system had a set of rules that dictate actions. Bobby spent his entire life reacting to these rules. Now, years later, he is stuck in reaction mode just as much as Maria, even though his reason for being so is subtler.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What causes codependency traits to form? How are codependency and stress linked? Is there a way to combat codependent tendencies? In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie states that codependency is a reaction to prolonged stress. In most cases, you won’t even realize that your codependent tendencies are forming, because they build up over time. Below is an exploration into what causes codependency.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":57524,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[560],"class_list":["post-57477","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","tag-codependent-no-more","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Causes Codependency? 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