{"id":57476,"date":"2021-12-29T14:11:21","date_gmt":"2021-12-29T18:11:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=57476"},"modified":"2021-12-31T18:04:23","modified_gmt":"2021-12-31T22:04:23","slug":"codependency-traits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/codependency-traits\/","title":{"rendered":"The 3 Codependency Traits to Look Out For"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>How can you tell if a person has codependent tendencies? What side-effects can codependency lead to?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In her book <em>Codependent No More, <\/em>Melody Beattie outlines the most common codependency traits. It&#8217;s important to look out for these symptoms in yourself or in others because, the longer these traits go unaddressed, the worse the problem becomes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are the characteristics of codependency. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-characteristics-of-codependency\">Characteristics of Codependency<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Like many psychological issues,<strong> codependency has varied and sometimes contradictory symptoms.<\/strong> For the full list of symptoms, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.hazelden.org\/store\/item\/748?Codependent-No-More\">please see the book<\/a>. We\u2019ve synthesized Beattie\u2019s 14 major codependency traits into three critical categories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: These categories are fluid. Several of the symptoms listed below can fit into more than one category. We\u2019ve limited each symptom to a single category to maintain clarity.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-1-putting-responsibility-in-the-wrong-place\">1. <strong>Putting Responsibility in the Wrong Place<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Beattie believes that <strong>codependents put responsibility in the wrong place.<\/strong> They see themselves as responsible for everyone else\u2019s behaviors but don\u2019t take responsibility for their own. This manifests in the following ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Obsessing over other people\u2019s behavior and attempting to control that behavior<\/li><li>Taking care of everyone else and putting even <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/small-problems\/\">minor problems<\/a> above their own needs<\/li><li>Believing they know best and getting angry when other people don\u2019t listen to them<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/accepting-responsibility\/\">Taking Responsibility<\/a> for Others and Not Yourself: Why Does It Happen?<\/strong><br><br>Some people argue that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.alwayswellwithin.com\/blog\/2017\/03\/25\/responsible-for-everyone-everything\">taking too much responsibility for others<\/a> comes from thinking yourself too independent: so independent that you alone have the power to help yourself and others. In reality, everyone is interconnected; no one exists in a vacuum, being the cause and controller of everything around them.&nbsp;<br><br>While at first this mindset seems contrary to Beattie\u2019s\u2014one arguing that you\u2019re too independent and the other maintaining that you\u2019re too dependent\u2014they\u2019re really different ways of saying the same thing. In the first mindset, you <em>think<\/em> you\u2019re independent, but you\u2019re not. By <em>thinking <\/em>you\u2019re independent and trying to control everything, you\u2019re really becoming dependent on and being controlled by other people and your situation, as Beattie asserts.<br><br>To overcome this mindset, look at the outside influences on your behavior, even who built your house or stocked the grocery store. This reminder that you\u2019re not operating alone lets you release over-responsibility.<br><br>But what about the inability to take responsibility for yourself? <a href=\"https:\/\/www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com\/wont-take-responsibility\/\">Often, this is due to low self-esteem<\/a>: Codependents base their self-worth on their actions. Admitting to a mistake would deal heavy damage to their esteem. It feels safer to control other people\u2019s actions because if the other person makes a mistake, the codependent isn\u2019t as affected. Meanwhile, the codependent can\u2019t worry about their own actions while focusing on the other person. We\u2019ll talk more about self-esteem and its effects on codependents in Chapters 3 and 4.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-2-neglecting-themselves-in-favor-of-others\">2. <strong>Neglecting Themselves in Favor of Others<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Because they focus on other people\u2019s behavior,<strong> codependents struggle to take care of themselves<\/strong> or let others help them, Beattie explains. This can manifest in the following ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Having <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/consequences-of-low-self-esteem\/\">low self-esteem<\/a> and relying on others to validate their worth through reassurances and compliments<\/li><li>Having weak boundaries and gradually acclimating to things they swore not to tolerate<\/li><li>Not being able to trust others or let others help them<\/li><li>Suppressing their own desires or lack of desires when it comes to sex<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>The Fear of Being a Burden Leads to Self-Neglect<\/strong><br><br>What causes a codependent\u2019s self-neglect? Arguably, it\u2019s the fact that codependents fear being a burden. They worry that if they don\u2019t make themselves useful or pleasing, their loved ones will abandon them. To please others, they discard their own needs and boundaries, both in their sexual and everyday life. They cannot ask for help, because doing so would be burdening the other person. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/compassion-matters\/202110\/how-let-people-help-you\">This fear usually stems from childhood<\/a>: At some point, they learned that asking for help meant they were a burden.<br><br>Ironically, in their quest to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/being-self-reliant\/\">be self-reliant<\/a>, codependents end up needing other people for validation. Unfortunately, <a href=\"https:\/\/tinybuddha.com\/blog\/stop-over-depending-on-others-cut-puppet-strings-and-be-real\/\">this reliance only worsens self-esteem<\/a> and self-neglect. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/seeking-validation-from-others-3\/\">External validation<\/a> boosts your mood, but it also reinforces the idea that you need to focus on other people and not burden them to receive that validation.<br><br>The fear of being a burden is a difficult mindset to escape. Pay attention to your inner critic and recognize when it accuses you of being a burden. Use those situations to practice being open about your needs and boundaries, rather than listening to that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/negative-inner-voice\/\">inner voice<\/a>.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-3-being-unable-to-see-themselves-clearly\">3. <strong>Being Unable to See Themselves Clearly<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Beattie maintains that codependents can\u2019t receive help or take responsibility because they lack self-knowledge. <strong>They\u2019ve repressed their feelings, needs, and personality<\/strong> for so long that they\u2019ve lost touch with them entirely. This can manifest in the following ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Repressing their feelings and losing sight of their personality, wants, and needs<\/li><li>Being unable to understand or communicate what they really mean<\/li><li>Refusing to admit that anything is wrong<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Suppression vs. Repression: The Benefits and Dangers<\/strong><br><br>While Beattie refers to repression throughout her book, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.healthline.com\/health\/repressed-emotions#why-it-happens\">a more accurate word is <em>suppression<\/em><\/a>. Suppression is the purposeful pushing away of thoughts or feelings, while repression is a subconscious act. Suppression can be useful in the short term, allowing you to function until you are safe to experience your emotions. However, if you suppress your feelings or needs long enough, it turns into repression. This causes you to lose touch with these feelings and needs entirely, as Beattie asserts, and causes severe problems as listed above.<br><br>There are a few steps you can take to avoid repression:<br><br>1. <strong>Name your emotions with \u201cI\u201d statements such as \u201cI feel disappointed.\u201d<\/strong><br>2. <strong>Journal to understand your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/thoughts-feelings-and-behaviors\/\">thoughts and feelings<\/a> better.<\/strong><br>3. <strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/make-a-habit\/\">Make a habit<\/a> of sharing your thoughts and feelings with others,<\/strong> even if it means admitting that things are wrong or communicating harsh truths.<br><\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-the-effects-of-these-symptoms\"><strong>The Effects of These Symptoms<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Beattie stresses that the above symptoms are warning signs and that <strong>codependency gets worse the longer it lasts.<\/strong> When it goes unaddressed, codependents become depressed. They may isolate themselves, lose interest in hobbies and activities, be unable to complete daily tasks, and consider suicide. This can lead to codependents becoming addicts themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>The Connection Between Depression, Addiction, and Codependency<\/strong><br><br>As Beattie implies here, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.addictioncenter.com\/addiction\/depression-and-addiction\/\">depression and addiction frequently go hand-in-hand<\/a>. Someone with depression might turn to alcohol or drugs to cope, and an addict might develop depression. Because codependency has very similar symptoms to addiction, codependents are at high risk for both conditions.<br><br>If you notice depressive symptoms in yourself, such as loss of interest in life, prolonged sadness, or thoughts of suicide, reach out to a medical professional. You can also fight depression by <a href=\"https:\/\/www.priorygroup.com\/blog\/what-to-do-if-you-think-you-have-depression\">increasing positive interactions with other people, taking care of your physical health, and focusing on positive experiences<\/a>.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How can you tell if a person has codependent tendencies? What side-effects can codependency lead to? In her book Codependent No More, Melody Beattie outlines the most common codependency traits. It&#8217;s important to look out for these symptoms in yourself or in others because, the longer these traits go unaddressed, the worse the problem becomes. Here are the characteristics of codependency.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":57522,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,12,43],"tags":[560],"class_list":["post-57476","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-codependent-no-more","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The 3 Codependency Traits to Look Out For - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you notice that you or your loved ones are portraying these codependency traits, it&#039;s important to address them right away. 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