{"id":56394,"date":"2021-12-20T15:30:00","date_gmt":"2021-12-20T19:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=56394"},"modified":"2021-12-27T16:34:55","modified_gmt":"2021-12-27T20:34:55","slug":"how-to-have-more-orgasms","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-more-orgasms\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Have More (and Better) Orgasms"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is the secret to having more and better orgasms? Why does it seem like your body sometimes resists an orgasm?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Emily Nagoski, the author of <em>Come as You Are<\/em>, the key to having more (and better) orgasms is to deactivate the SIS (sexual inhibition system) and slowly activate the SES (sexual excitation system). In other words, we need to eliminate what our brain sees as reasons not to have sex and gradually increase the frequency and intensity of what turns us on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here is how to have more orgasms, according to sex researcher Emily Nagoski. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"block-5f0bddea-1331-49db-9f89-9c011dfe85b2\"><strong>How to Have More Orgasms<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>In her book <em>Come as You Are<\/em>, sex researcher Emily Nagoski explains how to have more orgasms (and better!). She says the solution is two-fold: 1) to deactivate the SIS (sexual inhibition system) by<strong> <\/strong>eliminating all the reasons not to have sex and 2) to activate the SES (sexual excitation system) by increasing the frequency and intensity of what we find sexually pleasurable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"block-9d036beb-9680-4b19-8225-e6ac493bae4b\">To create an environment where this is possible, Nagoski insists we must get all of the internal states of our mesolimbic cortex\u2014things like comfort, hunger, and sleepiness\u2014to work together rather than against each other. What this means is that <strong>we need to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/living-in-the-present-moment\/\">be fully present<\/a> in the moment<\/strong>, without any of our various internal states trying to pull us away from the goal at hand (the goal being having an orgasm). For example, even if you\u2019re in the comfort of your own bed and relatively energized, you\u2019ll find it <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/why-is-it-so-hard-to-focus-2\/\">difficult to focus<\/a> on having an orgasm if you haven\u2019t eaten in 8 hours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Treating Our Needs as a Hierarchy<\/strong><br><br>Nagoski\u2019s insistence that our internal states must work together for us to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-more-present\/\">be present in the moment<\/a> is reflected in other theories as well. Maslow\u2019s Hierarchy of Needs, for example, is based on the idea that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.simplypsychology.org\/maslow.html\">there are more basic needs that must be met before a person can focus on other things<\/a>. According to the hierarchy, physiological needs (such as food) are the most fundamental, followed by safety (financial security), love and belonging (friends), esteem (achievement), and self-actualization (fulfillment). In other words, if our basic needs aren\u2019t met, we aren\u2019t going to be able to focus on experiencing pleasure.<br><br>One fundamental way in which Nagoski and Maslow\u2019s ideas differ, however, is that Maslow classified sex as a physiological need on the same level as food and sleep. As previously discussed, Nagoski would disagree with this categorization, because she argues that desire for sex isn\u2019t motivated by survival, and going without sex causes no negative physical consequences. Most likely, she would classify sex\u2014and especially pleasure\u2014as higher on the hierarchy.&nbsp;<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"block-d00c7e7c-ab8c-411e-b1cc-25d50d00533c\"><strong>The Keys to Becoming Fully Present<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"block-b056d7db-346f-4273-9eee-b02f555cac8e\">So, how do we become fully present in the moment? Nagoski says three things can make this happen: 1) handling stress, 2) creating a context conducive to sex, and 3) closing the gap between expectations and reality.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p id=\"block-1e10dd96-b52c-4233-b4f6-5f9d2ecf04c2\">One example of this is adjusting the goal from having an orgasm to simply experiencing pleasure during sex\u2014orgasm or not. This releases us from the expectation of orgasm and prevents anxiety from activating the SIS.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td>Another way to close the gap between expectations and reality is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/intl\/blog\/enlightened-living\/200809\/beginners-mind\">to live by the Zen philosophy of \u201cemptying your cup.\u201d<\/a> According to the Zen proverb, when your mind\u2014or \u201ccup\u201d\u2014is full of preconceived ideas and beliefs, you become trapped by your patterns of thinking and behavior. To open yourself up to new possibilities, you must \u201cempty\u201d your existing expectations.&nbsp;<br><br>The best way to do this is to identify a problematic core belief and gather evidence that refutes it. For example, if you believe you\u2019re broken because you don\u2019t orgasm every time you have sex, you should search for evidence to contradict that idea\u2014do the women you know have an orgasm every time <em>they<\/em> have sex? Is there any credible information to support your belief?<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is the secret to having more and better orgasms? Why does it seem like your body sometimes resists an orgasm? According to Emily Nagoski, the author of Come as You Are, the key to having more (and better) orgasms is to deactivate the SIS (sexual inhibition system) and slowly activate the SES (sexual excitation system). In other words, we need to eliminate what our brain sees as reasons not to have sex and gradually increase the frequency and intensity of what turns us on. Here is how to have more orgasms, according to sex researcher Emily Nagoski.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":19885,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[16,12],"tags":[548],"class_list":["post-56394","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-health","category-relationships","tag-come-as-you-are","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Have More (and Better) Orgasms - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Despite the difficulty many women have with orgasms, they can not only reach orgasm but also improve and have more of them. Here is how.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-have-more-orgasms\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Have More (and Better) Orgasms\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Despite the difficulty many women have with orgasms, they can not only reach orgasm but also improve and have more of them. 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