{"id":55227,"date":"2021-11-17T19:26:43","date_gmt":"2021-11-17T23:26:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=55227"},"modified":"2021-11-28T22:39:45","modified_gmt":"2021-11-29T02:39:45","slug":"redirecting-childrens-behavior","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/redirecting-childrens-behavior\/","title":{"rendered":"Redirecting Children\u2019s Behavior\u2014Without the Drama"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What does it mean to redirect children’s behavior? What three strategies can you use to teach your child to behave appropriately?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The book No-Drama Discipline <\/em>explains the three steps to properly discipline your child. Step three is all about teaching (or redirecting) your child’s behavior. The authors provide three methods for doing this: notice\u2014don’t criticize, create a dialogue, and try a conditional “yes.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is how to teach your child to follow the rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Discipline Step 3: Redirection<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

After connecting with your child<\/a>, the final step in Siegel and Bryson\u2019s method is teaching (or what they call redirecting children’s behavior). Teaching involves setting and reinforcing firm boundaries\u2014in other words, teaching children what behavior is and isn\u2019t okay\u2014but doing so in a loving way that prioritizes your connection with your child. (Shortform note: Even though the authors call this step \u201credirection,\u201d we\u2019ve changed it to \u201cteaching\u201d to better reflect two of the authors\u2019 ideas: First, that discipline should be about teaching, rather than punishment; and second, that discipline should focus on building long-term skills rather than just redirecting a child from one behavior to another in the moment.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what happens when your child breaks a rule? According to the authors, the first thing you\u2019ll teach is why<\/em> your child\u2019s behavior was inappropriate. When your child understands why their behavior was wrong, they\u2019ll experience natural feelings of guilt and regret. Those are uncomfortable feelings, and when that discomfort is paired with misbehaving, kids will naturally learn to avoid misbehavior so they can avoid feeling bad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: You may be wary of letting your children feel these negative emotions for fear of damaging their self-image. However, in Daring Greatly<\/em><\/a>, shame expert Bren\u00e9 Brown argues that there is a difference between guilt (\u201cI\u2019ve done something bad\u201d) and shame (\u201cI am <\/em>bad\u201d), and it\u2019s the latter emotion that\u2019s more likely to impact self-image. Brown believes that guilt doesn\u2019t have to lead to shame\u2014instead, it can be a healthy experience that teaches children to separate their behavior from their identity. Therefore, Brown agrees with Siegel and Bryson that allowing children to feel guilt is important for their development and won\u2019t harm their self-image.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Siegel and Bryson believe that teaching, when done well, leads to three positive outcomes for kids: increased understanding of their own emotional reactions, empathy for others, and practice making amends and repairing relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Effective discipline leads to another important positive outcome that the authors don\u2019t mention: Namely, discipline helps children feel safe<\/a>. This is because discipline shows kids that you are in charge and they don\u2019t have to worry about making adult decisions yet.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Strategies for Teaching<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Here are three strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend for teaching your children how to behave appropriately and follow the rules: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teaching Strategy 1: Start By Noticing, Not Criticizing<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instead of jumping straight to criticism when your child misbehaves, the authors recommend you start by describing what you see and asking your child to explain it to you. For example, if you see gum in your preschooler\u2019s hair, you might say, \u201cI see gum in your hair; how did that happen?\u201d instead of yelling, \u201cWhat did you do to your hair?!\u201d This strategy directs children\u2019s attention to their misstep without making them feel attacked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Why is it important not to make children feel criticized or attacked? Siegel and Bryson don\u2019t say, but research shows that parental criticism can have long-term negative effects<\/a>. Children who are frequently criticized by their parents learn to ignore other people\u2019s facial expressions (to protect themselves from seeing the disappointment or anger on their parents\u2019 faces). This, in turn, impairs their ability to form relationships and can even make them more vulnerable to depression and anxiety<\/a>. Therefore, discipline strategies that avoid criticism can protect children\u2019s mental health in the long term.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teaching Strategy 2: Create a Dialogue<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

In addition to asking kids to explain what happened or what they were feeling when they misbehaved, Siegel and Bryson advise asking them to help you come up with a solution. This gives their upper brains practice understanding the consequences of their behavior and coming up with solutions. They\u2019ll also feel more respected throughout the process if they know you value their input\u2014even if they don\u2019t like your ultimate decision. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Siegel and Bryson don\u2019t explain why <\/em>kids tend to cooperate more when they\u2019re involved in the discipline process, but it may have to do with control. Nutritionists have noted that picky eaters tend to be more willing to try new foods when they help prepare the meal because they feel more in control of the situation<\/a>; the same process might be at play when kids have a say in discipline.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Teaching Strategy 3: Try a \u201cConditional Yes\u201d<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Instead of responding with a hard \u201cno\u201d when your child asks for something, the authors recommend saying \u201cyes\u201d\u2014but on your terms. For example, if your child wants to wear their astronaut costume to school, you might say, \u201cYes, you can wear your costume when you get home this afternoon\u201d instead of an outright \u201cno.\u201d Hearing a flat \u201cno\u201d tends to activate children\u2019s lower brains, so using a conditional yes instead can help avoid drama. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Why do children perceive \u201cno\u201d as a threat? The authors don\u2019t explain, but it may be because children hear a constant litany of \u201cno\u201d from the moment they start to interact with their environment. As a result, their brains form a very primal connection between the word \u201cno\u201d and the uncomfortable feelings of being scolded and having their goals thwarted<\/a>.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What does it mean to redirect children’s behavior? What three strategies can you use to teach your child to behave appropriately? The book No-Drama Discipline explains the three steps to properly discipline your child. Step three is all about teaching (or redirecting) your child’s behavior. The authors provide three methods for doing this: notice\u2014don’t criticize, create a dialogue, and try a conditional “yes.” Here is how to teach your child to follow the rules.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":55244,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,13],"tags":[542],"class_list":["post-55227","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-education","category-parenting","tag-no-drama-discipline","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nRedirecting Children\u2019s Behavior\u2014Without the Drama - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In the book No-Drama Discipline, the final step in the discipline process is to redirect your children's behavior. 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