{"id":55226,"date":"2021-11-16T19:27:17","date_gmt":"2021-11-16T23:27:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=55226"},"modified":"2021-11-28T22:39:32","modified_gmt":"2021-11-29T02:39:32","slug":"connecting-with-your-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Connecting With Your Kids: 3 Strategies for Bonding"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Why is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-child\/\">connecting with your kids<\/a> a part of the No-Drama Discipline process? What three strategies can you use to make a connection?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In their book <em>No-Drama Discipline<\/em>, Siegel and Bryson explain that the second step in their No-Drama Discipline method is to make a connection with your child. You can do that through touch (such as hugging), affirming their emotions, and listening while your child talks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Continue below to learn why making a connection with your child is important to the discipline process.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Discipline Step 2: Making a Connection<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Once you\u2019re in the right frame of mind to discipline mindfully, the next step in Siegel and Bryson\u2019s discipline approach is connection: meeting your child where they are, empathizing with them, and helping them calm down from strong emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to the authors, connecting with your kids is an essential step because it sets the stage for kids to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/learn-by-listening\/\">listen and learn<\/a>. When kids feel strong emotions like anger or frustration, their lower brains take control and drown out the input of the rational upper brain. This means kids lose access to upper brain skills like emotional regulation and processing new information. (Kids in this state may be inconsolable\u2014which parents often mistake for a willful tantrum.) The authors argue that trying to discipline children effectively when they\u2019re in this state is futile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Daniel Goleman describes these lower brain takeovers (or \u201cemotional hijackings,\u201d as he calls them) in more detail in <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/emotional-intelligence\"><em>Emotional Intelligence<\/em><\/a>. According to Goleman, research shows that <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/emotional-intelligence\/chapter-2\">even children with high IQs perform poorly in school when they\u2019re under emotional stress<\/a> and the lower brain takes over. This supports Siegel and Bryson\u2019s claim that kids genuinely won\u2019t be able to learn new information when their lower brain has hijacked their upper brain.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Connection, according to Siegel and Bryson, is the solution to this problem. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/empathetic-connection\/\">Empathic connection<\/a> helps children calm the raging lower brain to the point that it no longer drowns out the upper brain. Then, the upper brain has a chance to chime in with logic, empathy, and problem-solving skills\u2014meaning children will be more able to listen and understand when you teach them a new, more appropriate way to behave.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The authors note an added bonus to this method: Over time, using connection to help calm the lower brain helps children strengthen the connections between their upper and lower brains so that they can more effectively rein in the lower brain\u2019s strong reactions. In other words, connection not only regulates kids\u2019 emotions in the moment, but it also strengthens their brains\u2019 ability to regulate their <em>own<\/em> emotions. Eventually, they\u2019ll be able to use that skill on their own, without as much help from you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Connection Is a Key Part of \u201cCoregulation\u201d<\/strong><br><br>What Siegel and Bryson are describing here is what other child development experts call \u201ccoregulation,\u201d or the process of adults helping children manage strong emotions. The empathic connection that Siegel and Bryson mention is <a href=\"https:\/\/fpg.unc.edu\/sites\/fpg.unc.edu\/files\/resources\/reports-and-policy-briefs\/Co-RegulationFromBirthThroughYoungAdulthood.pdf\">just one aspect of coregulation<\/a>. According to developmental scientists, to effectively coregulate, adults should also provide a structured environment (including a predictable routine) and explicit coaching of emotional <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-regulation-skills\/\">self-regulation skills<\/a> (such as identifying emotions, calming down, and seeing a situation from someone else\u2019s perspective).&nbsp;<br><br>Additionally, the reason that kids need less coregulation from parents over time isn\u2019t just a matter of upper brain practice, as Siegel and Bryson suggest\u2014it\u2019s also a matter of overall development. For example, infants need more coregulation than older kids by default because they haven\u2019t yet learned how to control even the most basic bodily functions; they need an adult\u2019s help not just to calm down but also to regulate their body temperature and <a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/19028768\/\">stress hormone levels<\/a>. On the other hand, older children with typical development have already mastered those skills, so they need less help from parents\u2014even if they haven\u2019t had <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/deliberate-practice-definition\/\">deliberate practice<\/a> regulating their own emotions.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Strategies for Connection<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Here are three strategies Siegel and Bryson recommend for establishing connection with your kids:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Connection Strategy 1: Use Your Body<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Siegel and Bryson argue that the most powerful way to soothe your child when she\u2019s upset is through touch. Positive touch (like hugs or rubbing your child\u2019s back) releases stress-relieving hormones in the brain, which helps children (and adults) calm down. (Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.penguinrandomhouse.com\/books\/288692\/parenting-from-the-inside-out-by-daniel-j-siegel-md-and-mary-hartzell-med\/\"><em>Parenting From the Inside Out<\/em><\/a>, Siegel and Hartzell note that it\u2019s especially important to be fully calm and mindful before touching your child: If you\u2019re still angry or upset with them, gentle touch can quickly turn into harmful touch, which can be particularly damaging. For example, if you\u2019re still upset, you might accidentally grab your child a little too roughly, even if that wasn\u2019t your intention.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To make your child feel even safer and more open to connection, the authors recommend <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/career-progression-plan\/\">positioning yourself<\/a> below her eye level\u2014for example, by sitting on the ground while she stands in front of you or sits on a chair. This posture communicates to the primal, animal part of her brain that you\u2019re not a threat. (Shortform note: Getting down on the ground is just one of many ways to make yourself appear less threatening. For example, with older children, you can also sit shoulder to shoulder while you talk to them. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.independent.ie\/life\/family\/parenting\/david-colemans-simple-rules-on-seeing-eye-to-eye-with-our-teens-35439636.html\">The lack of eye contact in this approach makes kids and teens feel safer<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Connection Strategy 2: Acknowledge and Affirm Your Child\u2019s Emotions<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Once your child is calm, Siegel and Bryson recommend acknowledging and affirming your child\u2019s emotions, even if you\u2019re not happy with the way she <em>expressed<\/em> those emotions. When children are upset, having a parent communicate that their feelings are valid helps them calm down faster because they feel understood.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to the authors, affirmation has two steps. First, identify the feeling. For example, if your child is crying and stomping their feet, you might say, \u201cI can see you\u2019re feeling really angry right now.\u201d This not only helps children feel understood, but it also helps them learn to identify their <em>own<\/em> emotions. (Shortform note: You might not think to do this until children are old enough to understand what you say, but <a href=\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/p\/CVDwLmBA-M_\/\">some parenting experts recommend identifying feelings even with babies<\/a> as a way to get into the habit. For example, you might say, \u201cI hear you, you don\u2019t want to get out of the tub\u2014the air is cold!\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Second, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/ways-to-express-empathy\/\">express empathy<\/a>. Challenge yourself to understand <em>why<\/em> your child is feeling so strongly about the situation and communicate that you understand why they\u2019re so upset. For example, you might say to your angry child, \u201cI know you really wanted to go to the mall today, and you\u2019re angry that we had to reschedule. I would feel angry too if my plans changed like that.\u201d (Shortform note: When you empathize with your children, keep their limited life experience in mind. For example, if your toddler reacts to spilling her juice as though it\u2019s the worst thing that\u2019s ever happened to her, keep in mind that it might actually <em>be<\/em> the worst feeling she\u2019s yet experienced in her short life, and empathize accordingly.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Connection Strategy 3: Let Your Child Do the Talking<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>As you connect with your child, the authors advise focusing on listening rather than lecturing, arguing, or explaining. Keep in mind that language is an upper brain function\u2014so when kids are feeling strong emotions that activate their lower brains, they\u2019re not able to process language, and lectures aren\u2019t helpful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In addition to strengthening your connection with your child, listening offers other benefits. For example, <a href=\"http:\/\/blog.novanatural.com\/2014\/11\/09\/8-reasons-to-listen-to-your-child-discover-why-attentive-listening-is-important-for-children\/\">regularly listening to your children establishes open communication<\/a>, which means they\u2019ll be more likely to share their thoughts and struggles openly with you as they get older. Additionally, modeling listening skills for your child will help them develop important social skills that can help them form and maintain <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/building-healthy-relationships\/\">healthy relationships<\/a>. Meanwhile, lecturing is ineffective because even if your child <em>does <\/em>process what you\u2019re saying, they\u2019ll feel hurt that you\u2019ve spent so long talking about how \u201cbad\u201d they are, and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/gb\/blog\/growing-friendships\/201809\/want-your-child-listen-and-learn-don-t-lecture\">they\u2019ll respond with defensiveness and resentment<\/a>.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Why is connecting with your kids a part of the No-Drama Discipline process? What three strategies can you use to make a connection? In their book No-Drama Discipline, Siegel and Bryson explain that the second step in their No-Drama Discipline method is to make a connection with your child. You can do that through touch (such as hugging), affirming their emotions, and listening while your child talks. Continue below to learn why making a connection with your child is important to the discipline process.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":55242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,12],"tags":[542],"class_list":["post-55226","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-relationships","tag-no-drama-discipline","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Connecting With Your Kids: 3 Strategies for Bonding - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The second step in the No-Drama Discipline process is connecting with your kids. Here are three ways to effectively make a connection.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Connecting With Your Kids: 3 Strategies for Bonding\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The second step in the No-Drama Discipline process is connecting with your kids. Here are three ways to effectively make a connection.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-11-16T23:27:17+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-11-29T02:39:32+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/father-and-child.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1146\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"682\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Hannah Aster\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Hannah Aster\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/f39f52830e4f7039a16e45d12354542f\"},\"headline\":\"Connecting With Your Kids: 3 Strategies for Bonding\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-11-16T23:27:17+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-11-29T02:39:32+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\"},\"wordCount\":1380,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/father-and-child.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"No-Drama Discipline\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Parenting\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/\",\"name\":\"Connecting With Your Kids: 3 Strategies for Bonding - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/connecting-with-your-kids\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/11\/father-and-child.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-11-16T23:27:17+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-11-29T02:39:32+00:00\",\"description\":\"The second step in the No-Drama Discipline process is connecting with your kids. 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