{"id":55206,"date":"2021-11-21T21:49:53","date_gmt":"2021-11-22T01:49:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=55206"},"modified":"2021-12-04T22:02:03","modified_gmt":"2021-12-05T02:02:03","slug":"dont-take-anything-personally","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/dont-take-anything-personally\/","title":{"rendered":"Don\u2019t Take Anything Personally: The Second Agreement"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the second agreement of Toltec enlightenment<\/a>? What does “don\u2019t take anything personally” actually mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In The Fifth Agreement<\/a><\/em>, don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz<\/a> describe five \u201cagreements\u201d to make with yourself that adjust the way you see the world and your place in it. The second agreement is this: Don\u2019t take anything personally. In other words, understand that not everything is about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn more about the second agreement: Don\u2019t take anything personally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Don\u2019t Take Anything Personally<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The second step on the Toltec path to reclaiming your personal freedom is to understand that the words and actions of others are based on their own relative perceptions: They\u2019re not actually about you<\/em>. Thus, don’t take anything personally<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why is this the case? Because, as we\u2019ve discussed, we all live in our own private world. We see things differently and we hold our own subjective beliefs<\/a>. The authors explain that due to this subjectivity, everyone you know has an image of you in their head wholly based on their subjective perception<\/a> of you and your actions.<\/strong> This image includes assumptions about who you are<\/a>, what you think, what your life is like, and what you\u2019re good and bad at. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ultimately, these assumptions can\u2019t possibly reflect the truth of who you are because nobody has a clue what\u2019s going on inside your head.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

People Don\u2019t Know You as Well as You\u2019d Think<\/strong>

The naguals say we shouldn\u2019t take it personally if others don\u2019t see us for who we really are because, bluntly, nobody can. In fact, Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson, author of No One Understands You and What To Do About It<\/em><\/a> explains that we think others know us better than they really do<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong> We assume anyone can tell what we want, what we think, or what we mean\u2014but that\u2019s not the case at all. It\u2019s possible for someone to get close<\/em>, but it takes so much effort that most people won\u2019t bother.

The mental picture others have of us, Dr. Halvorson says, is built by a two-part system of thought. \u201cSystem one\u201d thinking is automatic, hasty, and reflexive; people engage system one when they see a small slice of us and make a series of snap judgments. In contrast, \u201csystem two\u201d requires conscious effort and focused intent; people engage system two when they deliberately put aside their snap judgments and get to know the real you.

Often, people don\u2019t use system two at all: Unless they make an intentional effort to be open-minded, they go with their first impulse and leave it at that. Even those who make the effort are still missing a lot\u2014they only see what you show them and they may not eliminate all<\/em> their assumptions, biases, and filters. Take the perspectives of others with a grain of salt.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019re Not Angry at You<\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Because most people don\u2019t know the real you, if someone\u2019s angry or frustrated because you didn\u2019t do what they wanted, don\u2019t blame yourself for it. <\/strong>According to the authors, people expect you to act in a way that conforms with their imaginary version of you\u2014remember, they think their perception of you is real<\/em>. If another person claims to want something from you, they really want it from the person they think <\/em>you are. The real you isn\u2019t obligated to do anything they want, to be what they want you to be, or to play along with their imagination. <\/strong>In short, it\u2019s not your fault if you don\u2019t live up to someone\u2019s expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relatedly, the authors say, don\u2019t take anything personally when someone mistreats or misunderstands you.<\/strong> When others lash out at you, they\u2019re responding to a perceived offense in the reality they see\u2014not yours. The people around you don\u2019t act according to the reality you see\u2014they act according to their own<\/em> reality. Nothing they say or do happens because of you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to React to Demands and Attacks<\/strong>

The naguals don\u2019t explain what to do when others blame or mistreat you\u2014they just explain why you don\u2019t need to take such attacks personally. In the heat of the moment, though, it can be difficult to know what to do, so here\u2019s what therapists recommend: Maintain your composure and don\u2019t overreact to the situation<\/a>. Here\u2019s how they suggest you do that:

Pause and take a deep breath.<\/strong> Instead of reacting immediately, slow the situation down to give yourself time to think. This interrupts the fight or flight response<\/a>.

Recognize the other person\u2019s perspective.<\/strong> Their opinion and perspective are real and important to them, but they don\u2019t match your own. So, as the naguals say, don\u2019t take their words personally\u2014but accept that they feel the way they say they do<\/a>.

Respond respectfully.<\/strong> You\u2019re not obligated to do what the other person wants from you, and you don\u2019t have to apologize for choosing not to fulfill their desires. However, you\u2019re still responsible for your words\u2014so don\u2019t use them to strike back<\/a>.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Consider what life would be like if you don\u2019t take anything personally. It just might change things for the better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is the second agreement of Toltec enlightenment? What does “don\u2019t take anything personally” actually mean? In The Fifth Agreement, don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz describe five \u201cagreements\u201d to make with yourself that adjust the way you see the world and your place in it. The second agreement is this: Don\u2019t take anything personally. In other words, understand that not everything is about you. Keep reading to learn more about the second agreement: Don\u2019t take anything personally.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":55213,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,43],"tags":[539],"class_list":["post-55206","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-self-improvement","tag-the-fifth-agreement","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nDon\u2019t Take Anything Personally: The Second Agreement - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The second agreement of Toltec enlightenment is this: Don\u2019t take anything personally. 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