{"id":55197,"date":"2021-11-22T21:46:22","date_gmt":"2021-11-23T01:46:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=55197"},"modified":"2021-12-04T22:02:15","modified_gmt":"2021-12-05T02:02:15","slug":"choose-your-words-wisely","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/choose-your-words-wisely\/","title":{"rendered":"Choose Your Words Wisely: The First Agreement"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/be-impeccable-with-your-word-the-first-agreement-from-four-agreements\/\">first agreement<\/a> of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/path-to-enlightenment\/\">Toltec enlightenment<\/a>? What does it mean to choose your words wisely?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fifth-agreement\/\">The Fifth Agreement<\/a><\/em>, don Miguel Ruiz and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/don-jose-ruiz\/\">don Jose Ruiz<\/a> discuss the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-five-agreements\/\">five agreements<\/a> in Toltec enlightenment. The first agreement is to choose your words wisely\u2014or, as they put it, to be impeccable with your words. They emphasize that you must be careful not to use words as weapons against yourself or others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to learn how it&#8217;s important to choose your words wisely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Choose Your Words Wisely<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The first agreement in the Toltec process is to be impeccable with your words. That is, <strong>choose your words wisely.<\/strong> In the mirage of \u201cthe real world,\u201d we use words to denigrate, criticize, and attack not just those we dislike, but our friends, our children, and even ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>\u201cChoose your words wisely\u201d means<strong> don\u2019t weaponize your words against yourself. <\/strong>Don\u2019t describe yourself in hurtful ways, inside your head or aloud\u2014for example, by telling yourself you\u2019re ugly, stupid, or a failure. When you do that, <strong>you accept those messages as truth and make those negative beliefs a part of your reality.<\/strong> It\u2019s no wonder you\u2019re not happy when you see yourself that way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Another important thing to remember is that <a href=\"https:\/\/en.wikipedia.org\/wiki\/Self-criticism\">self-criticism typically doesn\u2019t reflect reality<\/a>. For example, psychologists note that those who self-criticize often feel that they receive less support from others, that they\u2019re less attractive, and that they\u2019re less happy than others. However, studies show that in most cases, these feelings don\u2019t reflect their reality\u2014instead, the tendency to self-criticize trains us to overestimate the negative aspects of our experience and underestimate the positive.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Instead, allow yourself to be as you are without judgment<\/strong>\u2014nothing about you is inherently imperfect, even if you\u2019ve been taught to believe otherwise. Don\u2019t demand any more from yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Don\u2019t Internalize Self-Criticism<\/strong><br><br>Therapists identify two primary types of self-criticism: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.goodtherapy.org\/learn-about-therapy\/issues\/self-criticism\">comparative and internalized<\/a>. For now, we\u2019ll examine internalized self-criticism, which is based on a feeling that we don\u2019t measure up to our own standards, ideals, or expectations. In short, <strong>we have a vision in mind of how we should be and we don\u2019t measure up to it.<\/strong> As a result, we often feel we\u2019ve failed even when we succeed\u2014because we didn\u2019t succeed \u201cenough.\u201d When we use our words wisely, as the Ruizes suggest, we don\u2019t pigeonhole ourselves into a no-win scenario like that.<br><br>As the Toltec note, our habit of self-criticism is usually established during childhood\u2014our parents expect certain things from us, and we \u201cinternalize\u201d those expectations. Therapists suggest that this happens most when our parents are particularly authoritarian, controlling, or rigid. <strong>The more we\u2019re judged and criticized, the more we learn to criticize ourselves.<\/strong><br><br>It\u2019s worth noting that self-criticism isn\u2019t <em>always <\/em>unhealthy\u2014used constructively, it can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-build-self-awareness\/\">improve your self-awareness<\/a> and help you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-grow-as-a-person\/\">grow as a person<\/a>. Pinpointing where you\u2019ve done wrong <a href=\"https:\/\/www.lifehack.org\/863533\/self-critical\">helps you learn from your mistakes<\/a>. But <strong>constructive self-criticism generally identifies a particular behavior for improvement:<\/strong> \u201cI stayed up too late last night; I need to adhere to my bedtime.\u201d It focuses on actionable change to identifiable behavior.<br><br><strong>Self-criticism becomes <em>un<\/em>healthy, however, when it\u2019s applied broadly,<\/strong> and we make nuance-less statements about our personhood. \u201cI\u2019m a failure,\u201d \u201cI never do anything right,\u201d \u201cI\u2019m ugly.\u201d As the Ruizes note, <strong>using our words in this way only hurts us.<\/strong> Therapists explain that describing ourselves like this prevents us from taking risks, defending our needs, or believing we\u2019re capable. Be kind and forgiving to yourself\u2014after all, you\u2019re only human.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Treat Others Wisely<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Further, <strong>let others be as they are, too: Don\u2019t externalize the voice that hurts you.<\/strong> The authors say that when you use your words against others, to spread gossip, criticism, or hurt, you\u2019re not using them wisely. You further the hurt others already feel and push them to conform to the harmful societal beliefs you\u2019re attempting to move away from. Additionally, you invite a future in which that hurt comes back to you as mistreatment. Respect the power your words can have, over others as well as yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: When you use your words to hurt others, you risk starting long-term conflicts. In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-anatomy-of-peace\"><em>The Anatomy of Peace<\/em><\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-anatomy-of-peace-by-the-arbinger-institute\/\">the Arbinger Institute<\/a> explains that when we provoke, demean, and infuriate others, we motivate them to respond in kind and initiate a cycle of mistreatment. As the cycle continues, we stop seeing them as people, instead seeing them as distasteful objects that can\u2019t be reasoned with. Over time, the conflict festers and grows, dragging in those around us as we grow further and further apart. Do others the courtesy of seeing them as people, with needs, struggles, and hopes of their own\u2014you\u2019ll find it harder to justify using your words and actions to hurt them, and that will keep you out of cyclical conflicts.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you choose your words wisely, you&#8217;re taking care of yourself and others.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is the first agreement of Toltec enlightenment? What does it mean to choose your words wisely? In The Fifth Agreement, don Miguel Ruiz and don Jose Ruiz discuss the five agreements in Toltec enlightenment. The first agreement is to choose your words wisely\u2014or, as they put it, to be impeccable with your words. They emphasize that you must be careful not to use words as weapons against yourself or others. Keep reading to learn how it&#8217;s important to choose your words wisely.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":55203,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,43],"tags":[539],"class_list":["post-55197","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-self-improvement","tag-the-fifth-agreement","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Choose Your Words Wisely: The First Agreement - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The first agreement in Toltec enlightenment is to choose your words wisely. 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