{"id":55059,"date":"2021-12-02T19:26:16","date_gmt":"2021-12-02T23:26:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=55059"},"modified":"2021-12-02T19:26:18","modified_gmt":"2021-12-02T23:26:18","slug":"how-to-be-a-good-woman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-a-good-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be a Good Woman: Re-Writing the Narrative"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What does it mean to be a good woman? How is the modern idea of a good woman changing?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Traditionally, being a “good woman” meant being a good wife and a good mother. However, society is changing and women are starting to break free from these expectations. In her book Girl, Stop Apologizing, <\/em>Rachel Hollis asserts that to be a “good woman” is to be true to yourself and to follow your individual desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is how to be a “good woman”, according to Rachel Hollis. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

What Does It Mean to Be a “Good Woman”?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Foundational to Hollis\u2019s premise in Girl, Stop Apologizing<\/em> is the notion that society expects women to care for everyone else,<\/strong> and a \u201cgood woman\u201d will sacrificially cast aside her own desires.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Hollis, the phrase \u201ca good woman\u201d is typically synonymous with \u201ca good wife and mother.\u201d<\/strong> She points out that by societal standards, a woman is deemed to be a good wife if her husband is happy and satisfied. Similarly, women are praised for being <\/strong>good mothers if their children are happy and healthy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: While Hollis\u2019s assessment of what society deems a \u201cgood woman\u201d has strong roots in history and most cultures, the definition of a \u201cgood woman\u201d is progressing; especially in light of the Me Too movement<\/a>. In Essence <\/em>magazine, Erica and Tina Atkins-Campbell (of the gospel duo Mary Mary<\/em>) offer a modern definition of a good woman<\/a>\u2014without any mention of marriage or motherhood. Rather, they define a good woman as someone who knows who she is, is respectful and communicative, is resilient, and is kind and inspirational to others.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hollis goes on to say that because society expects women to run the household, they are often looked down upon for having career ambitions.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hollis notes the double standard: A woman\u2019s ability to earn money for her family is rarely connected with being a \u201cgood woman,\u201d whereas men are often praised for being \u201cgood men\u201d if they have a respectable job and provide financial security for their families.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, when Hollis started her own business, most people in her circle praised her. However, when she became pregnant, she says everyone she knew expected her to put the business aside and stay home with the children. She received even more judgment when those around her learned that her husband made enough money for her to stay home<\/strong>. Hollis realized that her decision to choose<\/em> to work when she didn\u2019t have to broke one of society\u2019s unwritten rules.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: The COVID-19 pandemic highlighted society\u2019s lack of respect for women\u2019s career paths. According to a survey conducted by Seramount (a consulting firm that studies workplace inclusion), about one-third of moms in the workplace had to quit or reduce their hours<\/a> during the COVID-19 Pandemic in 2020 and 2021, with most citing a need to take care of their children during school closures. However, the government didn\u2019t prioritize child care as a pandemic issue to address.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At what point do women take on the expectation to sacrifice themselves for others? Hollis says praise for women meeting <\/strong>other people\u2019s expectations<\/em><\/strong> begins in childhood.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Hollis, by conventional standards, a \u201cgood girl\u201d is a child who doesn\u2019t make waves. A good girl is happy, humble, and grateful. If she goes against the grain, she is labeled as difficult. Hollis contrasts this attitude with how young boys are seen when exhibiting the same behavior. She says that boys who rebel against the norm are instead viewed as leaders and visionaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Counterpoint: Expectations on Young Boys to Be Good Men<\/strong>

While the societal definition of a \u201cgood man\u201d typically does not involve his value as a husband or father, young boys are conditioned in the same way that young girls are. In picture books and television shows, men are modeled as funny, strong, independent, and adventurous<\/a>. Boys rarely see depictions of men who lean on their wives financially or emotionally, or are clumsy and out of shape\u2014the way many men are in real life. As a result, when boys grow into men that don\u2019t meet the standard modeled for them, they often experience the same cycle of shame that women do.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Hollis theorizes that this childhood conditioning<\/a> makes women believe that if they focus on themselves and their own goals (instead of living entirely for other people), they aren\u2019t good women.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Truth: To Be a Good Woman, Be True to Yourself<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Hollis argues that this line of thinking (<\/strong>a good woman must always put herself last) is an excuse that women must shed because when you\u2019re being true to yourself, you\u2019re better able to care for those you love.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hollis insists that keeping your dreams hidden away, even if you\u2019re secretly working on them, is the same as hiding part of yourself\u2014and this takes a toll on your well-being. She believes that if you deny what your soul needs, it will manifest in illness, anxiety, and depression.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In regard to the idea of selfishness, Hollis points out that a fulfilled woman will be better in all of her relationships. She\u2019ll be a better partner, a better parent<\/a>, a better friend, and so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Motherhood Martyrdom Burdens Your Children With Guilt<\/strong>

As we\u2019ve established, it is a cultural expectation that good mothers sacrifice for their children. What is less often considered is the guilt that this sacrifice produces, and who is bearing the weight of it. 

Gemma Hartley, author of Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward<\/em><\/a>, wrote in The Washington Post<\/em> about witnessing her mother\u2019s college graduation. Her mother had quit college when Gemma was born, and she didn\u2019t resume until she was well into her 50s. When Gemma watched her mother cross the stage and receive her diploma, she saw her mother as an individual for the first time\u2014living only for herself, for one brief moment. 

Gemma was plagued with guilt for being \u201cthe thing\u201d that made her mom quit college so many years before. She reflected on herself as a mother, and how she had begun setting aside her dreams of being a writer in the name of motherhood martyrdom. She decided in that moment that she would begin living for herself and that her children would be better off because of it.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Hollis reminds you that you have only one life, and you shouldn\u2019t spend it feeling guilty, embarrassed, or shameful about having a dream.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Fix: Give Your Soul What It\u2019s Asking For<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

So what is Hollis\u2019s advice on how to be a “good woman”? She says that the only way to live a full and happy life is to be open and honest about your dreams, goals, and desires. Hollis insists that being true to yourself is the most important thing you can do in life. She explains that it doesn\u2019t matter if your dreams are big or small in someone else\u2019s eyes, they just have to be important to you. Some women may dream of being an astronaut, while others may dream of running their own Etsy shop. Hollis says both dreams are equally valid if they feed your soul.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Even though much of this book focuses on career ambition, your passion doesn\u2019t have to be work-related and doesn\u2019t have to make money. Many people work day jobs and fulfill their dreams and passions as hobbies. For example, your dream might be to live in India for a year, or to see every baseball stadium in America. Hollis\u2019s main point<\/a> is, don\u2019t hold yourself back with small dreams when your heart is asking for more.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What does it mean to be a good woman? How is the modern idea of a good woman changing? Traditionally, being a “good woman” meant being a good wife and a good mother. However, society is changing and women are starting to break free from these expectations. In her book Girl, Stop Apologizing, Rachel Hollis asserts that to be a “good woman” is to be true to yourself and to follow your individual desires. Here is how to be a “good woman”, according to Rachel Hollis.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":55106,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[42,43,24],"tags":[541],"class_list":["post-55059","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-motivation","category-self-improvement","category-society","tag-girl-stop-apologizing","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Be a Good Woman: Re-Writing the Narrative - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Traditionally, being a "good woman" meant being a good wife and a good mother. Things have changed. 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