What happens when you put members of the 4 tendencies together? Which pairs do well and which shouldn’t be in the same room?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
According to The Four Tendencies <\/em>author Gretchen Rubin, some tendencies tend to get along better while some tend to butt heads when they’re together. While tendencies aren’t by any means an all-encompassing personality trait, you can generally tell if you’ll get along with a person based on their tendency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here is how the 4 tendencies work together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n The 4 tendencies don\u2019t doom a relationship of any kind<\/strong>\u2014work, marriage, or family\u2014but they don\u2019t guarantee success either.<\/strong> Remember, your tendency as outlined here only defines how you respond to expectations: people are much more complex than just their tendency.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But patterns do generally emerge when two people of the same or different tendencies are colleagues, spouses, or family. <\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Every pairing is represented here, but your tendency might come second.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Rubin\u2019s research, this pairing is actually rare, perhaps because Upholders themselves are rare. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The Upholder-Upholder pair makes great colleagues and bosses<\/strong> because they\u2019ll get their work done, don\u2019t need supervision from each other, and want to fulfill each other\u2019s expectations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, if Upholders pair up romantically with other Upholders, it might actually be an intense situation for other people. One woman in an Upholder-Upholder marriage wrote in that she and her husband are both coaches and are empathetic and caring with their clients and students\u2014but behind the scenes, they actually both feel a lot of judgment for people who need motivation, since they don\u2019t need any themselves. Since neither have another tendency to offset the judgment or push against the Upholder characteristics, they sometimes reinforce each other\u2019s less ideal behavior.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is actually a common pairing\u2014Rubin, an Upholder herself, is married to a Questioner. This pairing makes successful coworkers, spouses, and families<\/strong> (though not without some struggle, as detailed below).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Questioners help Upholders resist external expectations, and Upholders make it easy for Questioners by meeting their expectations. Both tendencies meet internal expectations easily, which makes for happy individuals within any relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But frustration can arise\u2014neither tendency likes being questioned as to why they do something, but the tendencies have opposite reasons for feeling that way: Upholders believe things should be done when someone expects them to be done, and Questioners feel that things should only be done when there\u2019s good reason to do so. Since these reasons are opposite, this pairing will find themselves getting frustrated with each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is generally a good pairing in any arena<\/strong>, cooperative and reliable with external expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, Upholders tend to judge Obligers harshly for their inability to meet internal expectations, and aren\u2019t sympathetic to the pressure Obligers feel when external expectations are placed on them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Obligers can often find Upholders selfish when they meet their own internal expectations without caring about the external consequences. (Shortform example: An Obliger feels external social pressure to go to a work party, but their Upholder spouse would rather spend the evening in, recharging, prioritizing internal expectations over external.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obligers can also get frustrated that their Upholder partners won\u2019t provide accountability for them, while Upholders can feel uncomfortable that Obligers do things purely for the sake of other people and not for themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is a tough pair.<\/strong> Upholders don\u2019t like breaking rules, while Rebels need to. Upholders want schedules, while Rebels resist them. Upholders push to get things done, while Rebels double-down in response to pushing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This pair works best if it\u2019s a relationship where neither has expectations for the other. For example, a Rebel roommate and an Upholder roommate might be appalled at the way each other live their lives, but as long as they don\u2019t affect each other\u2019s lives, they can live together fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This pair can also work if the Rebels have an identity strongly based on love and family\u2014two things that will keep them less resistant to Upholders\u2019 expectations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This pairing works because both partners understand the need for answers and reasons. But they can also struggle if both Questioners are prone to analysis-paralysis, and fall into a joint state of indecision.<\/p>\n\n\n\n One realm where the Questioner-Questioner relationship is very beneficial is in the form of a Questioner parent and a Questioner child.<\/strong> These parents understand the tendency. They won\u2019t get annoyed by their children\u2019s questions, and will work to give them the answers they\u2019d want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, as we know, Questioners don\u2019t like being questioned but continually question other people\u2019s behavior, so this pair in any form can run into some difficulty with each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This pairing can work well<\/strong> because Obligers will meet Questioners\u2019 expectations without question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, Obligers can also get frustrated with Questioners\u2019 need for answers, specifically in a parent-child relationship, where the Obliger parent just needs the Questioner child to do something.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Questioners can also, similarly to Upholders, be judgemental of Obligers\u2019 difficulties with meeting internal expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Since both tendencies resist external expectations, this pair can work out all right.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n But Questioners can get very frustrated with Rebels\u2019 contrarian nature, especially if a Rebel resists something that is efficient and logical.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rebels also don\u2019t respond well to Questioners\u2019 need for answers\u2014they\u2019ll feel like they\u2019re being pushed to fulfill an expectation, and will double-down and resist answering even more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n This pair will be very harmonious and cooperative<\/strong>, fulfilling external expectations with ease and trying to keep each other happy and satisfied. Obliger-Obliger pairings might actually feel extremely taken care of in this partnership\u2014Obligers often feel like no one does anything for them, but two Obligers will want to do things for each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But they will both struggle with internal expectations.<\/strong> Their Obliger tendencies might be a benefit here: if Obliger 1 feels like Obliger 2 expects<\/em> to be held accountable, then Obliger 1 may be able to do that to fulfill the external expectation. But this pairing may also have to find accountability outside of the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rubin discovered a pattern among Rebels: the ones in successful, long-term relationship were usually paired up with an Obliger.<\/strong> The other pairings didn\u2019t work: Upholders view Rebels as irresponsible and impulsive, while Rebels feel Upholders are too rigid. Questioners also view Rebels as impulsive, while Rebels feel Questioners spend too much time thinking. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But Obligers sometimes benefit from and even enjoy Rebels\u2019 refusal to meet expectations<\/strong>, since they have trouble meeting too many external expectations. Rebels can help Obligers feel that it\u2019s okay to indulge and say no to things. Then, for Rebels, Obligers will pick up their slack since they enjoy fulfilling external expectations and doing things for other people.<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, this pairing can go south, and it\u2019s a particularly difficult relationship for parents and children, <\/strong>in either configuration. Obligers will want Rebels to respond to external expectations, and Rebels will judge Obligers harshly for fulfilling them<\/p>\n\n\n\n This is another tough pairing. <\/strong>Rebel pairs can be, at best, two ships in the night, passing each other in pursuit of what they want to do individually; at worst, two Rebels can go to bat against each other if their identities clash or their wants differ. <\/p>\n\n\n\n If their natures, identities, and causes line up almost perfectly, it can work, and it can work if two Rebels build a life together that works for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What happens when you put members of the 4 tendencies together? Which pairs do well and which shouldn’t be in the same room? According to The Four Tendencies author Gretchen Rubin, some tendencies tend to get along better while some tend to butt heads when they’re together. While tendencies aren’t by any means an all-encompassing personality trait, you can generally tell if you’ll get along with a person based on their tendency. Here is how the 4 tendencies work together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":54004,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,12,43],"tags":[27],"class_list":["post-53995","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-the-four-tendencies","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nMatching Tendencies Up<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Upholders With Upholders<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Upholders With Questioners<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Upholders With Obligers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Upholders With Rebels<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Questioners With Questioners<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Questioners With Obligers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Questioners With Rebels<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Obligers With Obligers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Obligers <\/strong>With Rebels<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Rebels With Rebels<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n