What are the four tendencies from Gretchen Ruben’s book? What are the personality traits, strengths, and weaknesses associated with each tendency?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The four tendencies are the Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, and Rebel. Knowing what type of tendency you are can help you find a better job fit, discover your strengths, and understand those around you better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here is an overview of each of the four tendencies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
People are certainly more complex than just how they respond to expectations, and Rubin\u2019s four tendencies (Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, and Rebel<\/strong>) only cover the scope of how you respond to expectations.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Your tendency can\u2019t be changed: it\u2019s a part of your nature. All the tendencies have strengths and weaknesses, and no one tendency seems to be more successful or happier than the others. The happiest, most successful people are the ones who can learn to work <\/strong>with<\/em><\/strong> their tendency instead of against it. <\/strong>Any tendency can thrive in any career, given that they adapt the role to meet their strengths and weaknesses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In this 1-page summary, we\u2019ll cover the four tendencies at a high level, discussing each one\u2019s strengths and weaknesses and how to interact with them. The full summary has far more detail on each tendency, tips on how to do better as your tendency, and strategies to interact with the tendency in different scenarios (your romantic partner, your children, your colleagues at work).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Upholders readily respond to both external and internal expectations.<\/strong> They think expectations, in general, are important, and enjoy<\/em> fulfilling both their own and others\u2019. They appreciate balance between doing what other people expect of them and doing what they expect of themselves\u2014in the age of self-care, they\u2019ve figured out how to take care of themselves without losing their productivity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if an upholder\u2019s their boss asks them to stay late to finish a project and they know it\u2019s important, they\u2019ll stay (fulfilling external expectations); but if they happen to have an event they signed up for months ago and are excited about, they\u2019ll most likely go to the lecture (fulfilling internal expectations), and work on the project later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Upholders like schedules and routines, form habits easily, and don\u2019t make feel pressured or trapped by expectations\u2014Upholders feel free, creative, and productive when they have expectations placed on them. <\/strong>If there\u2019s an expectation, they\u2019ll fulfill it; if expectations conflict with one another, Upholders will figure out what expectation is most important to them, and prioritize that one first (they\u2019d probably still<\/em> try to fulfill the other expectation, if possible).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Upholders are good self-preservationists<\/strong>, for the most part. They take care of themselves and have good habits. Being able to fulfill their internal expectations on their own means they often lead satisfying lives, finding ways to be productive in their work and careers without sacrificing their personal values or getting burnt out from doing too many things for other people and not enough for themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Upholders sometimes follow the rules even when it\u2019s better not to.<\/strong> Rubin (an Upholder herself) recounts waiting at a boat taxi stand that was clearly non-functioning when a taxi stand a few yards up the river was active, all because someone told her that\u2019s the taxi stand she should wait for. In a related weakness, Upholders generally have good habits, but can rigidly keep the habit far after it\u2019s necessary or good for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Upholders also aren\u2019t very adaptable or flexible in their schedules and routines. Because they have no difficulty meeting expectations, when other people do<\/em> have difficulty, Upholders can be disdainful, impatient, or rude.<\/p>\n\n\n\n At work, upholders make great colleagues and bosses because they believe expectations are important. However, occasionally an Upholder might need help prioritizing tasks<\/a> and making priorities clear<\/strong>\u2014since all expectations are important to them, they might not get to the right things first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Upholders also occasionally need help <\/strong>not<\/em><\/strong> meeting expectations<\/strong>, when a different balance of expectations would make them happier. When arguing with them, play to their values: acknowledge the rules or expectations they\u2019re responding to, and make another priority more important than following that rule or meeting that expectation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Questioners readily respond to internal expectations, but not external expectations. <\/strong>They\u2019re committed to logic, information, and efficiency, and refuse arbitrary, inefficient, or illogical expectations. The Questioner responds best to her own internal expectations because she\u2019s already thought through these expectations and made sure they\u2019re justified, achievable, and logical. <\/p>\n\n\n\n External expectations need to be justified<\/strong>\u2014once they are, the Questioner will view them as internal expectations and will have little trouble fulfilling them. For example, a Questioner might get a text from her husband asking her to pick up lunch meat on her way home. If that\u2019s all the text says, the Questioner might not do it: her husband can pick up lunch meat if he really wants it, they have plenty of other food in the house. But if the husband texts that they need lunch meat because their daughter has two field trips that week and needs bagged lunches, the Questioner will do it: now it makes sense and has justification.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Once Questioners agree with the reasoning behind something, they\u2019re self-directed and don\u2019t need supervision.<\/strong> They meet justified expectations as easily as Upholders meet any expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Questioners make great employees and partners because they want to improve any process they\u2019re involved in to make it the most efficient and logical<\/strong>, and they do thorough and exhaustive research to make the best decisions possible. Questioners want to live in a world where everything makes sense and is as efficient as possible\u2014they question endlessly in pursuit of that world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Weaknesses of Questioners<\/p>\n\n\n\n However, their refusal to meet expectations without reason can sometimes lead to trouble, particularly in school. Others often find their questions tiring and obstructive<\/strong>, and feel like they raise needless questions and refuse to respect authority.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And, because of their relentless research and desire to make the best decision, Questioners can also sometimes fall into analysis-paralysis<\/strong>, where they become incapable of making a decision based on how much research they\u2019ve done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you get annoyed by hearing too many questions from Questioners, help restrict their questioning by setting limits, guidelines, and deadlines for decisions. Remind yourself that their questions aren\u2019t confrontationa<\/strong>l\u2014Questioners need<\/em> the answers they seek to do the work you want them to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Make sure to justify your own questions to Questioners<\/strong>, which will help them understand why you\u2019re asking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Questioner spouses have some difficulty in relationships. If your spouse is a Questioner, remember that the more justifications you give them, the more likely they\u2019ll be to do what you need them to do<\/strong>\u2014asking<\/em> them to do something is rarely enough to get<\/em> them to do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obligers readily respond to external expectations, but not internal expectations.<\/strong> They meet deadlines and follow through for bosses, colleagues, spouses, and so on\u2014but if there are no external expectations, Obligers almost always fail to complete the task, no matter how important it is to them. <\/strong>Picture a high school track star who thrived when her team depended on her, but now finds it hard to run for her own sake, no matter how much she wants to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obligers are most likely to wish they were another tendency: since they are capable of meeting other people\u2019s expectations without problem, they view their inability to meet internal expectations as laziness or self-sacrifice, and they often can\u2019t figure out why<\/em> they can\u2019t meet internal expectations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obligers are the \u201crock of the world\u201d\u2014everyone can depend on them. <\/strong>They\u2019re most likely to contribute to home and work, and get along well with other tendencies. They keep the people around them very happy, for the most part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Obligers simply cannot meet internal expectations unless they figure out sources of external accountability. If they don\u2019t have any external accountability, they need to organize it for themselves.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Because Obligers expend so much energy fulfilling others\u2019 expectations, they get easily burnt out. If they get too burnt out or the expectations are so high they can\u2019t meet them, Obligers can go into <\/strong>Obliger-Rebellion<\/em><\/strong> mode<\/strong>, where they suddenly, without warning, refuse to meet any expectations: everything\u2019s fine until it absolutely isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We know Obligers struggle with internal expectations, so if they request accountability, find a way to give it to them, because they need it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Be wary of setting expectations for Obligers that are too high, or of accidentally setting expectations with offhand comments. They\u2019ll strive to follow the expectation, when it may not be all that important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Rebels resist all<\/em> expectations, internal and external\u2014they do what they want<\/em> to do. <\/strong>They value choice, freedom, and self-expression or identity, and enjoy bucking convention and expectation.<\/p>\n\n\n\nUpholders<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Strengths of Upholders<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Weaknesses of Upholders<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Dealing with Upholders<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Questioners<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Strengths of Questioners<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Dealing with Questioners<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Obligers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Strengths of Obligers<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Weaknesses of Obligers<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Dealing with Obligers<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Rebels<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n