{"id":52257,"date":"2021-11-01T14:41:01","date_gmt":"2021-11-01T18:41:01","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=52257"},"modified":"2021-11-03T21:13:00","modified_gmt":"2021-11-04T01:13:00","slug":"the-art-of-small-talk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-art-of-small-talk\/","title":{"rendered":"Debra Fine: How to Master the Art of Small Talk"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to master the art of small talk? How do you politely start and end a conversation<\/a> with a stranger?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her book The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em>, author Debra Fine teaches readers how to master the art of small talk. She goes over the four steps to a successful conversation<\/a>, how to start a conversation<\/a> with a stranger, how to end a conversation gracefully, and more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here is an overview of Debra Fine’s advice on how to master the art of small talk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Mastering Small Talk<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em>, Debra Fine explains the benefits of mastering small talk and teaches you to confidently converse with strangers. According to Fine, the opportunity for casual conversations crops up many times each day\u2014with neighbors, kids, and coworkers, and at social events, business lunches, and even the local supermarket. When we avoid small talk, she explains, we minimize the number of deep conversations we get to have in these settings. Furthermore, Fine says, we risk giving the impression that we\u2019re cold, disinterested, or rude.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Fine’s assertion that avoiding small talk can appear rude may seem a little unfair if you’re shy: Shy people avoid conversation not because they’re rude, but because they feel anxious or awkward. They want to connect, but they don’t know how. Unfortunately, though, others may not realize that shyness fuels this behavior: They might just assume that you’re rude or aloof. This is why it’s so important for shy people who want to connect to get out of their comfort zones and try to overcome their shyness<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fine\u2019s Proactive Practice Mindset<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Clearly, small talk is a valuable tool\u2014but what if it doesn\u2019t come naturally to you? The good news, according to Fine, is that anyone can learn the art of small talk: It\u2019s just a matter of practice and mindset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: When you want to learn or improve, your mindset\u2014as Fine notes\u2014affects how successful you can be. In particular, you\u2019ll want to adopt a \u201cgrowth mindset,\u201d<\/a> rather than a \u201cfixed mindset.\u201d When you hold a growth mindset<\/a>, you remain open to improvement<\/a>: You accept the belief that there\u2019s no limit to how far learning and practice will take you. In contrast, those with a fixed mindset<\/a> believe they\u2019re limited to the traits, intelligence, and potential they were born with.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Fine, taking the following principles to heart as you practice small talk will give you the best chance of improving:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. If you want something, Fine says, go get it. <\/strong>If your goal is to meet new people, don\u2019t just stand around alone or talk to people you already know. Instead, actively approach strangers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Why is being proactive so important? Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People<\/em><\/a>, explains it\u2019s because initiative is key to adopting new behaviors\u2014it\u2019s how we exert control over our circumstances<\/a>. Covey might say that if you\u2019re bad at small talk, it\u2019s time to stop just letting small talk happen to you. Instead, accept that you\u2019re having trouble, take responsibility<\/a> for improving, and actively make an effort to change.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. According to Fine, it\u2019s your job to start the conversation.<\/strong> The second most common fear in America is of starting conversations, particularly with strangers. Because this fear is so common, you\u2019re unlikely to face rejection if you initiate conversation\u2014in fact, your conversational partner is likely to be relieved that you made the effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Contrary to Fine\u2019s claim, America\u2019s most common fears change year-to-year based on the circumstances we\u2019re dealing with\u2014a fear of conversing with strangers doesn\u2019t usually make the top 10. At the time of The Fine Art<\/em>\u2019s publication, for example, it was often claimed<\/em><\/a> that Americans\u2019 number one fear was of public speaking<\/a>, though fears of terrorist attacks sometimes polled higher<\/a>. In 2021, the most common fears were of political corruption, the death of a loved one<\/a>, or of a loved one contracting the coronavirus<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. It\u2019s as much <\/strong>your<\/em><\/strong> job to carry the conversation as it is your partner\u2019s, Fine notes.<\/strong> When you leave the hard work of maintaining conversation to someone else, you selfishly put your comfort ahead of theirs. Conversation is a two-player game, and you need to participate equally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Fine\u2019s point that you have to learn to carry your weight echoes a common complaint that she implies, but doesn\u2019t openly state: that too many people refuse to hold up their end of a conversation<\/a>. If you want to be a better conversationalist<\/a>, you must be willing to take charge and set the direction<\/a>. Aim to do so multiple times in every encounter, to ensure you\u2019re practicing this skill.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Four Steps to a Successful Conversation<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Now that you understand it\u2019s your responsibility to participate actively in conversations, we\u2019ll delve into Fine\u2019s four-step guide to a successful conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 1: Choose a Partner and Introduce Yourself<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Before you can start a conversation, you have to find someone to have that conversation with.<\/em> When choosing someone to talk to, Fine recommends the following two-step process:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Scan the room and find someone who\u2019s on their own<\/strong>, who\u2019s not engaged in a conversation or an activity, and who makes eye contact with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: There are far more signals that someone doesn\u2019t want to talk than Fine lists: Leave people alone if they\u2019re<\/a> wearing headphones, reading, crossing their arms or showing other \u201cclosed\u201d body language<\/a>, or if they turn away from you when you look at them.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. When you make eye contact, smile at the person.<\/strong> Fine explains that this shows the other party you\u2019re interested in them and immediately establishes a rapport. When you smile at someone, their natural response is to smile back; right off the bat, the two of you share a positive feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Fine\u2019s principle assumes that the other person will smile back; but what if they don\u2019t<\/em>? Is trying to connect then a lost cause? Probably: Research indicates that a genuine smile communicates a desire to engage cooperatively and altruistically<\/a>. We can reverse this to imply that someone who doesn\u2019t<\/em> genuinely smile back doesn\u2019t want to cooperate and converse with you.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Introduce Yourself and Learn Their Name<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

Once you\u2019ve chosen a conversational partner and established rapport through a smile, walk up to them, Fine suggests, make eye contact, smile again and shake their hand.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Fine suggests handshaking because, in Western society, it\u2019s the polite thing to do\u2014but you don\u2019t have<\/em> to do it. If you don\u2019t want to shake hands, the Harvard Business Review recommends you communicate warmth, friendliness, and respect in another way<\/a>, such as by offering a small bow.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Say, \u201cHi. My name is\u2026\u201d Then, stay focused as the other person returns the introduction. Remember their name <\/strong>and use it immediately: For instance, say \u201cNice to meet you, Albert!\u201d If you miss a person\u2019s name, Fine recommends asking them to repeat it.<\/strong> Remember that everyone has the right to be called by their name, she notes, and that those with difficult names will appreciate it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: It\u2019s not just people with difficult names who\u2019ll appreciate your efforts: According to Dale Carnegie, everyone <\/em>is thrilled when someone learns and uses their name. Carnegie argues that a person\u2019s name is the most important word in any language to them<\/a>\u2014saying it is a subtle and welcome compliment. In contrast, forgetting a name or getting it wrong suggests you didn\u2019t care enough to get it right. Use a person\u2019s name often, he says, and respect it.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Step 2: Start a Conversation<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve explored how to find a conversational partner and introduce yourself to them. Now that we\u2019re ready to have<\/em> a conversation, let\u2019s explore how to start one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Break the Ice<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

The first step in starting a conversation, Fine explains, is to break the ice. According to Fine, it doesn\u2019t matter much what<\/em> you say as an opener; in theory, you could say anything<\/em><\/strong>. What matters is that you initiate the conversation and show <\/strong>genuine interest<\/em><\/strong> in the other person\u2019s answer.<\/strong> Her recommendation, if you\u2019re having trouble, is to open with a statement that uses the context of the situation, event, or venue, and then ask them a related question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re afraid to talk to someone because you fear you\u2019ll have nothing in common, Fine suggests you keep in mind that humans are more alike than they are different<\/strong>. If you give other people a chance, she says, you\u2019ll find you can connect with almost anyone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: You may feel doubtful that Fine is correct here; surely, considering the diverse range of cultures and life practices that exist across the world (and even within countries), it\u2019s optimistic to say we can connect with almost anyone<\/em>? However, according to research, Fine is correct: The human experience, broadly speaking, is less diverse than it seems<\/a>. In a study spanning 62 countries around the world, researchers found that our daily experiences are largely universal<\/a>. For instance, we all care about our friends, want to love and be loved, and enjoy laughing<\/a>, companionship, and cooperation.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Easy Ways to Start Talking<\/strong>

Sometimes, it\u2019s hard to initiate a chat because you don\u2019t know what to say\u2014and hearing that you can talk about anything<\/em> as an icebreaker, as Fine suggests, may overwhelm you, as it gives you too broad a list of possibilities. 
Fine does provide a specific list of icebreakers in her book, but most of them are business-focused or come too far out of the blue to be generally applicable\u2014like, \u201cI\u2019m excited about our new mayor. How do you think her administration will differ from her predecessor\u2019s?\u201d

Instead, here are some go-to styles<\/em> of opener you can use in most contexts<\/a>, and an example of each:

Commiserate:<\/strong> \u201cWe\u2019ve been waiting in line a long time, haven\u2019t we? What brings you here today?\u201d
Notice something pleasant:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m so glad I came out for this concert; wasn\u2019t that guitar solo incredible?\u201d
Compliment someone:<\/strong> \u201cI really appreciated your presentation\u2014the way you laid out the details made it easy to follow and understand.\u201d
Leverage Commonality:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019m in marketing, too! How long have you been in the business?\u201d
Seek an opinion:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about attending this workshop, would you recommend it?\u201d
Ask for easy help:<\/strong> \u201cDo you know when the food is supposed to arrive?\u201d
Help someone out:<\/strong> \u201cThat printer looks heavy, can I give you a hand?\u201d<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Step 3: Keep the Conversation Going<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Once you\u2019ve gotten the conversation started, do your part to keep it flowing smoothly. Let\u2019s explore two methods of prolonging conversation: asking open-ended questions that get people talking about themselves and using context clues to follow up on their answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Ask Open-Ended Questions<\/h5>\n\n\n\n

According to Fine, a conversation flows best when you create opportunities for your partner to share details you can explore more deeply. Therefore, ask your conversational partner open-ended questions that demand more than a one-word answer.<\/strong> Show interest and encourage them to talk about themselves: The more your partner gives you, Fine says, the more you\u2019ll have to work with later. (Shortform note: You\u2019ll see the value of open-ended questions more clearly in the upcoming section on following up on cues. For now, keep in mind that your goal is always to elicit more than a \u201cyes,\u201d or \u201cno.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If your question elicits a one-word answer, ask another open-ended question.<\/strong> For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n