{"id":52246,"date":"2021-10-21T15:38:03","date_gmt":"2021-10-21T19:38:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=52246"},"modified":"2021-11-03T20:31:24","modified_gmt":"2021-11-04T00:31:24","slug":"howt-to-improve-conversation-skills","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/howt-to-improve-conversation-skills\/","title":{"rendered":"Debra Fine: How to Improve Your Conversation Skills"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to improve your conversation skills<\/a>? What are some things you should avoid doing in a conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her book The Fine Art of Small Talk, <\/em>author Debra Fine identifies three pitfalls that you should avoid. They are making the conversation all about you, carrying the conversation alone, and assuming that you know best. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s how you can improve your conversational skills, according to Debra Fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Identify and Avoid Conversational Pitfalls<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If you want to know how to improve your conversation skills, you must avoid the three worst pitfalls. Fine notes that most of us engage in these behaviors on occasion\u2014therefore, she provides recommendations both for dealing with other people committing these pitfalls and<\/em> for avoiding committing them ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Don\u2019t Make It All About You<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The Pitfall: excessive boasting about accomplishments, purchases, or success<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

An Example:<\/strong> \u201cLast week, I bought my second six-figure yacht! My wife and I love to lie on the deck drinking champagne on the open ocean, and just yesterday\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s Happening:<\/strong> According to Fine, this person can\u2019t resist bragging about how successful they are and how great their life is. Sometimes, they\u2019ll even recruit others to do their boasting for<\/em> them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What You Can Do About It:<\/strong> If someone boasts to you, they want to monopolize your attention, so Fine suggests you refocus the conversation. Talk about yourself<\/a>, or pivot to a topic that isn\u2019t about them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Another powerful reason why people brag is that they think others will be happy for and proud of them\u2014even though<\/a>, overwhelmingly, the listeners hate<\/em> hearing it. If you\u2019re a boaster, understand that by engaging in this behavior, you actively make others feel bad. If you\u2019re the recipient of boasting, don\u2019t give the braggart what they want; remain unimpressed, let some of your boredom show, and\u2014if necessary\u2014just walk away.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Pitfall: responding to every story with a more dramatic, personal one<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

An Example:<\/strong> \u201cThat happened to me, too, except the spider was twice the size! Poison was dripping from its fangs and my husband had to kill it with a chainsaw!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s Happening:<\/strong> According to Fine, this person wants you to know that their problems are the worst, their life is the hardest, and their continued existence is the most impressive. They\u2019re willing to lie and embellish as long as it gets them sympathetic attention.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What You Can Do About It:<\/strong> If someone does this to you, Fine advises returning the focus to the person who told the original story, whether that\u2019s you or another party in the conversation. If the behavior continues, stop rewarding it with acknowledgment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Why do people engage in this pitfall? Like boasting\u2014and, indeed, most of these pitfalls\u2014one-upmanship is often an indicator of insecurity. We all want to be loved, listened to, and accepted, but many of us don\u2019t feel we\u2019re worth<\/em> that kind of attention. We don\u2019t feel interesting, exciting, or important enough, so we dramatize. Sometimes, one-upmanship is also an attempt to relate to others by sharing a similar personal experience. Either way, if you find yourself doing this, remember you\u2019re here to converse; give others the spotlight, too, and try to share evenly.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Don\u2019t Carry the Conversation Alone<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The Pitfall: monopolizing the conversation, digging deeper without an invitation<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

An Example: <\/strong>\u201c…and then it turned out I had cancer, so my husband and I put our kids up for adoption and sold the house. It was so tragic, but it had to be done. After that, we…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s Happening:<\/strong> According to Fine, this person usually thinks they\u2019re doing you a service by talking so you don\u2019t have to. Often, they\u2019ll talk so long that they end up revealing personal details that were best left unspoken. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What You Can Do About It:<\/strong> If this person is you, limit yourself, Fine suggests; don\u2019t speak longer than five minutes, and pay attention to the signals your listeners are sending you. If someone else is doing this to you, throw them a flag: Let them know your time is limited, ask a related question to another person, or jump in with an anecdote of your own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Is your partner monopolizing because you\u2019ve said so little that you\u2019ve left them feeling they have to carry the conversation alone, or are they just boisterous and outgoing? In any case, you\u2019ll need to communicate that you<\/em> want to talk, too<\/a>. To do this, either wait for a pause to drop in a small validating tidbit like, \u201cinteresting, okay,\u201d and then roll right into your own story, or match their boisterousness directly by interrupting or steamrolling right back. Loud people are usually comfortable with being interrupted because it\u2019s the way their conversations normally go\u2014from one interruption to the next\u2014so don\u2019t be afraid to engage them on their own terms.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Pitfall: bombarding the other party with shallow questions without giving them space<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

An Example:<\/strong> \u201cWhere are you from? What do you do for a living? Do you have kids? What\u2019s your favorite sport? Which color is your favorite? What\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s Happening:<\/strong> According to Fine, a nervous person who feels pressured may interrogate because they don\u2019t know what else to do. Ironically, some of their questions may lead to interesting answers, but their nerves preclude them from paying enough attention to delve deeper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What You Can Do About It:<\/strong> If this is you, Fine says, take a breath. Listen carefully, so you don\u2019t miss interesting tidbits. If someone\u2019s doing this to you, get them talking instead. Respond to their question with a question of your own. By taking the reins, you help relieve the pressure they feel and allow them to relax into the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Framing question-asking as a pitfall may feel slightly at odds with Fine\u2019s earlier recommendations that you ask your conversational partner plenty of questions. The reason that this form<\/em> of questioning is a pitfall is arguably that the questions you\u2019re asking aren\u2019t open-ended enough to generate a conversation<\/a>, which is why you have to ask so many so quickly. If a second question doesn\u2019t immediately follow the other person\u2019s probably short answer, you get an awkward pause\u2014and that<\/em> is what the asker wants to avoid. To avoid this pitfall, either pivot to asking open-ended questions (if you\u2019re the asker) or give a longer, deeper answer<\/a> than the question explicitly asks for (if you\u2019re the answerer).)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Don\u2019t Assume You Know Best<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
The Pitfall: interrupting others, unsolicited, particularly to advise or correct them<\/strong><\/h5>\n\n\n\n

An Example:<\/strong> \u201cWell, actually, Tylenol only relieves pain and fevers. For your swollen ankle, you want Advil, because that<\/em> also reduces inflammation.\u201d \u201cOh, honey, you should try yoga! I had the worst <\/em>depression after my<\/em> mom passed, but now I feel wonderful\u2014physically and<\/em> emotionally!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What\u2019s Happening:<\/strong> According to Fine, these people interrupt because they\u2019re impatient or desperately want others to think they\u2019re clever. They may not be<\/em> clever, but their insecurity pushes them to try and show off anyway. Sometimes, they genuinely want to help, but they don\u2019t wait to be asked. In any case, they often come across as condescending, arrogant, pushy, or foolish.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What You Can Do About It:<\/strong> If someone shares their troubles with you, keep in mind that they\u2019re generally not asking for advice\u2014they\u2019re asking for support. Listen to them, commiserate, and share their pain; don\u2019t offer solutions unless they specifically ask for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Research tells us that advice-givers genuinely think that they\u2019re helping, that they\u2019re experts, and that people need to hear what they say. Further, they tend to be narrow-minded<\/a>; they think their way of living is the most correct, healthy, practical, and so on. Consider validating their attempt <\/em>to help without implying that you needed<\/em> that help<\/a>: Say something like, \u201cthanks for the tip! I have my own plan for dealing with this, but can I ask for your help if I need it in future?\u201d If you\u2019re the offender, remember it\u2019s deeply presumptuous to assume you know better than the person who\u2019s lived the entire life you\u2019ve only seen a fragment of<\/a>. Before you provide advice or explanations, ask if they want to hear them<\/a>\u2014and be ready and willing to accept a \u201cno!\u201d)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you want to improve your conversation skills? What are some things you should avoid doing in a conversation? In her book The Fine Art of Small Talk, author Debra Fine identifies three pitfalls that you should avoid. They are making the conversation all about you, carrying the conversation alone, and assuming that you know best. Here’s how you can improve your conversational skills, according to Debra Fine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":52764,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12,43],"tags":[524],"class_list":["post-52246","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-the-fine-art-of-small-talk","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nDebra Fine: How to Improve Your Conversation Skills - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If you want to know how to improve your conversation skills, you first need to know what three pitfalls to avoid and why. 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