{"id":52238,"date":"2021-10-23T09:41:42","date_gmt":"2021-10-23T13:41:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=52238"},"modified":"2021-11-03T20:41:44","modified_gmt":"2021-11-04T00:41:44","slug":"how-to-listen-actively","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-listen-actively\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Listen Actively: Listen to Understand"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to know how to listen<\/a> actively? What three things should you do to become a better listener?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her book The Fine Art of Small Talk, <\/em>Debra Fine explains that the three components of active listening<\/a> are: 1) to give your partner visual cues, 2) give your partner verbal cues, and 3) the mental component of listening. Additionally, don’t forget that it’s not all up to the speaker to do the communicating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading for Debra Fine’s advice on how to be a better active listener.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Active Listening Skills<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Fine describes active listening as an ongoing process in which you listen fully to the speaker\u2019s message and validate their words by giving visual and verbal feedback.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: To validate, in this case, means to support the speaker by showing them you understand and accept their message<\/a>. In short, you\u2019re letting them know you\u2019ve not only heard<\/em> what they\u2019re saying, but that you\u2019ve taken it to heart. Note that you don\u2019t have to agree with someone\u2019s point to validate it; just don\u2019t ignore, reject, or judge them<\/em> for sharing it.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She also mentions a third component to active listening: engaging mentally and staying focused on the speaker.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you want to know how to listen actively, learn these three components\u2014you\u2019ll make others feel heard, so they\u2019ll actively seek you out for conversation, company, and support. Let\u2019s look at each component in detail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. Give Your Partner Visual Cues<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

According to Fine, body language<\/a> accounts for most of the social meaning of a situation. Pay attention to both yours and your partner\u2019s: Use <\/strong>your <\/em><\/strong>body language to communicate your interest and engagement.<\/strong> Watch theirs<\/em> to help you recognize when it\u2019s time to change the subject or say goodbye (for instance, because their body language indicates they\u2019re bored). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Note that the signals others <\/em>send with their body language aren\u2019t always as legible as Fine implies. It\u2019s easy to misinterpret someone else\u2019s posture, for example, or read a signal where none is actually sent. For example, some people doodle or scribble while listening because doing so helps them focus<\/a>, but you could misinterpret that behavior as a sign of their disinterest. As such, if you\u2019re not receiving the messages or response you expect, don\u2019t assume the connection is doomed<\/a> or that one of you is doing something wrong. When in doubt, ask how the other person is feeling.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When you converse, Fine recommends you act as if<\/a> there were no distractions in the room.<\/strong> Face your partner openly and directly, and smile.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Fine\u2019s recommendation here may not always be advisable: Some people don\u2019t appreciate physical directness<\/a>. They may be anxious, have different physical boundaries, or prefer a more gentle, relaxed communication style. Allow others to set their own boundaries without taking offense<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nod, make eye contact, and stay focused on the speaker.<\/strong> If you have trouble maintaining eye contact, Fine suggests you look at the space between their eyes instead of directly at them; your partner won\u2019t be able to tell the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: What Fine suggests regarding eye contact is generally applicable in the United States, but note that it may not be appropriate when you interact with people from different backgrounds. In some places, it\u2019s considered aggressive to gaze constantly and directly into another\u2019s eyes<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be aware of what your body language implies.<\/strong> Don\u2019t cross your arms and legs, place your hands on your hips, or rest your chin in your hand. Don\u2019t fidget or keep your head down. Fine notes that these signs are typically interpreted as implying boredom, disinterest, disagreement, or hostility. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Fine is arguably being a little unfair here, since the examples she provides don\u2019t necessarily communicate boredom or disinterest. You may actually fidget because you\u2019re anxious, uncomfortable, or nervous. If you\u2019re worried your fidgeting may be sending the wrong message, practice hiding those nerves. Furthermore, a therapist can help you practice body language that communicates the messages you want<\/em> to send<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. Give Your Partner Verbal Cues<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Verbal cues, Fine explains, add to the reassurance provided by visual cues. Verbally indicating that you\u2019re present and aware encourages your partner to keep speaking.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fine notes that you can use verbal cues to show you understand, agree, disagree, or want to hear more. For example, you can say: \u201cHmm, I see…\u201d \u201cWhat makes you feel that way?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can also use verbal cues to transition to another topic. For example, you can say: \u201cThat reminds me: I\u2019ve heard that\u2026 What do you think about that?\u201d or \u201cSince you\u2019re an engineer, I wonder if you could explain…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Like the visual cues we display through our body language, the purpose of verbal cues is to inform your partner that you\u2019re still listening, that you\u2019re still interested, and that you\u2019d like them to continue speaking. In short, you\u2019re giving encouragement and reassurance. If you have trouble seeing the value in this, imagine you\u2019re describing your symptoms to a doctor and she just sits there, staring at you, until you finish. That would be disconcerting! Instead, you\u2019d likely prefer if she nodded along, hummed thoughtfully, and occasionally asked elaborating questions, like, \u201c..and how long has this been going on?\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One helpful verbal cue is to paraphrase and repeat,<\/strong> the author suggests. This technique lets you clarify that you understood the other person correctly, or helps them recognize where you misunderstood what they were trying to say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are some common ways to paraphrase and repeat:<\/p>\n\n\n\n