{"id":52222,"date":"2021-10-31T14:26:17","date_gmt":"2021-10-31T18:26:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=52222"},"modified":"2021-11-03T20:27:55","modified_gmt":"2021-11-04T00:27:55","slug":"how-to-be-good-at-small-talk","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-be-good-at-small-talk\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Be Good at Small Talk: The 3 Principles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to know how to be good at small talk? Should you wait for somebody to approach you or should you start the conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In her book The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em>, author Debra Fine says that anyone can master small talk if they practice the principles. Whether you like it or not, it’s impossible to avoid small talk because it’s present in many aspects of life, so you might as well get better at it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are Fine’s tips for how to improve your small talk skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Improve Your Small Talk<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Clearly, small talk is a valuable tool\u2014but what if it doesn\u2019t come naturally to you? The good news, according to Debra Fine in The Fine Art of Small Talk<\/em>, is that anyone can learn how to be good at small talk; <\/strong>it\u2019s just a matter of practice and mindset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: When you want to learn or improve, your mindset\u2014as Fine notes\u2014affects how successful you can be. In particular, you\u2019ll want to adopt a \u201cgrowth mindset,\u201d<\/a> rather than a \u201cfixed mindset.\u201d When you hold a growth mindset<\/a>, you remain open to improvement<\/a>: You accept the belief that there\u2019s no limit to how far learning and practice will take you. In contrast, those with a fixed mindset<\/a> believe they\u2019re limited to the traits, intelligence, and potential they were born with.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Fine, taking the following principles to heart as you practice small talk will give you the best chance of improving:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The 3 Small Talk Principles<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

1. If you want something, Fine says, go get it. <\/strong>If your goal is to meet new people, don\u2019t just stand around alone or talk to people you already know. Instead, actively approach strangers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Why is being proactive so important? Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People<\/em><\/a>, explains it\u2019s because initiative is key to adopting new behaviors\u2014it\u2019s how we exert control over our circumstances<\/a>. Covey might say that if you\u2019re bad at small talk, it\u2019s time to stop just letting small talk happen to you. Instead, accept that you\u2019re having trouble, take responsibility<\/a> for improving, and actively make an effort to change.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. According to Fine, it\u2019s your job to start the conversation.<\/strong> The second most common fear in America is of starting conversations<\/a>, particularly with strangers. Because this fear is so common, you\u2019re unlikely to face rejection if you initiate conversation\u2014in fact, your conversational partner is likely to be relieved that you made the effort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Contrary to Fine\u2019s claim, America\u2019s most common fears change year-to-year based on the circumstances we\u2019re dealing with\u2014a fear of conversing with strangers doesn\u2019t usually make the top 10. At the time of The Fine Art<\/em>\u2019s publication, for example, it was often claimed<\/em><\/a> that Americans\u2019 number one fear was of public speaking<\/a>, though fears of terrorist attacks sometimes polled higher<\/a>. In 2021, the most common fears were of political corruption, the death of a loved one<\/a>, or of a loved one contracting the coronavirus<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. It\u2019s as much <\/strong>your<\/em><\/strong> job to carry the conversation as it is your partner\u2019s, Fine notes.<\/strong> When you leave the hard work of maintaining conversation to someone else, you selfishly put your comfort ahead of theirs. Conversation is a two-player game, and you need to participate equally.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: Fine\u2019s point that you have to learn to carry your weight echoes a common complaint that she implies, but doesn\u2019t openly state: that too many people refuse to hold up their end of a conversation<\/a>. If you want to be a better conversationalist<\/a>, you must be willing to take charge and set the direction<\/a>. Aim to do so multiple times in every encounter, to ensure you\u2019re practicing this skill.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Strangers Aren\u2019t the Only Use-Case for Conversation-Starting Skills<\/strong>

You may think small talk is mainly for getting to know strangers whom you don\u2019t know well enough to engage in deep conversation. However,  it can benefit you in many other situations, too. You can use it to:

– Reignite a conversation that\u2019s been interrupted or broken off

– Reconnect with old friends or people you haven\u2019t spoken to in a while

– Advance a casual friendship to a deeper connection, or salvage one that\u2019s fading away

– Connect with friends of friends whose social circle you\u2019d like to be a part of

– Bring life and excitement to a gathering that\u2019s become aimless or dull

– Show those around you what\u2019s interesting and valuable about having you around<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Do you want to know how to be good at small talk? Should you wait for somebody to approach you or should you start the conversation? In her book The Fine Art of Small Talk, author Debra Fine says that anyone can master small talk if they practice the principles. Whether you like it or not, it’s impossible to avoid small talk because it’s present in many aspects of life, so you might as well get better at it. Here are Fine’s tips for how to improve your small talk skills.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":52742,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,24],"tags":[524],"class_list":["post-52222","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-society","tag-the-fine-art-of-small-talk","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Be Good at Small Talk: The 3 Principles - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Whether you like it or not, small talk is a part of life. 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