{"id":51888,"date":"2021-10-18T12:02:42","date_gmt":"2021-10-18T16:02:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=51888"},"modified":"2021-10-21T14:23:42","modified_gmt":"2021-10-21T18:23:42","slug":"fake-empathy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Tell Fake Empathy From Genuine Care"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is fake empathy? How do you recognize false empathy?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Fake empathy is when you give the impression that you understand and care without truly connecting and engaging with the vulnerability the other person is showing you. You are practicing false empathy when you only feel sympathy on someone\u2019s behalf, but not with them, or you always throw feel-good phrases at others to avoid engaging with their <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-deal-with-difficult-emotions\/\">difficult emotions<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Read more about the signs of fake empathy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Recognizing Fake Empathy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>On the other hand, if you are not truly connected and engaged with the other person\u2019s experience and the vulnerability they\u2019re showing you, it\u2019s obvious and makes people feel unsupported. Be aware of the six ways you might fall into practicing \u201cfake empathy:\u201d 1) sympathy, 2) negative reactivity, 3) disappointment, 4) scolding and blame, 5) making it better, and 6) comparative suffering.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Sympathy <\/strong>is when you feel on someone\u2019s behalf, not <em>with<\/em> them. This makes them feel alone and disconnected\u2014having someone feel sorry for them signals that their emotions have been noticed, yet they\u2019re being left to untangle them alone.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Your team member has a presentation that doesn\u2019t go well. Instead of practicing empathy by asking if she wants to talk about it, you practice sympathy by simply saying, \u201cIt stinks that your presentation went badly, sorry.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"2\"><li><strong>Negative reactivity <\/strong>is when someone tells you their experience and you overreact, telling them how ashamed you\u2019d feel in their place<strong>.<\/strong> Suddenly <em>they<\/em> feel like they should be helping <em>you<\/em> feel better. Not only are you showing fake empathy, but you\u2019re <em>taking their support.<\/em><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Your team member says, \u201cI just had a presentation and couldn\u2019t answer half the questions I was asked.\u201d You respond, \u201cThat\u2019s awful! I would die.\u201d Now your colleague feels like she needs to reassure you: \u201cWell, it wasn\u2019t so bad&#8230;I came up with good answers to the other questions.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"3\"><li><strong>Disappointment <\/strong>happens when someone tells you their experience, and you react by expressing disappointment in them. This makes them feel even more shame, and it tells them that they can\u2019t discuss the experience with you, because they\u2019ve let you down in some way.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>A team member says, \u201cMy presentation went so much worse than I was expecting. There were so many questions I couldn\u2019t answer.\u201d You respond, \u201cThat\u2019s not like you! I\u2019d never expect that you\u2019d be underprepared for something so important.\u201d&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"4\"><li><strong>Scolding and blame <\/strong>happen when someone tells you their experience, and you scold them or find someone to blame. You do this to avoid negative emotions\u2014shifting them onto a culprit instead of engaging with them.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Your team member with the tough presentation reaches out and you say, \u201cHow could you be underprepared? You <em>knew<\/em> how important this was!\u201d Or, \u201cWho was asking tough questions? I\u2019ll go to <em>his <\/em>meetings and ask impossible questions!\u201d&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"5\"><li><strong>Making it better <\/strong>is when someone tells you their experience and you throw feel-good phrases at them to avoid engaging with their difficult emotions.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Your team member with the tough presentation reaches out and you respond, \u201cI bet your answers to the questions were great! I\u2019m sure they loved it but just weren\u2019t showing it.\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"6\"><li><strong>Comparative suffering <\/strong>is when someone tells you their experience and you try to make them feel better by one-upping them. This type of fake empathy invalidates their feelings and makes their shame into a competition.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Your team member with the tough presentation reaches out and you respond, \u201cYou think that\u2019s bad? Once I showed up for a presentation and realized that I\u2019d left my laptop with my entire PowerPoint at home.\u201d&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is fake empathy? How do you recognize false empathy?&nbsp; Fake empathy is when you give the impression that you understand and care without truly connecting and engaging with the vulnerability the other person is showing you. You are practicing false empathy when you only feel sympathy on someone\u2019s behalf, but not with them, or you always throw feel-good phrases at others to avoid engaging with their difficult emotions. Read more about the signs of fake empathy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":51890,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12,30],"tags":[516],"class_list":["post-51888","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","category-work","tag-dare-to-lead","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Tell Fake Empathy From Genuine Care - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"How do you know when you are only pretending to care about the difficult emotions of others? Here are the signs of fake empathy.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Tell Fake Empathy From Genuine Care\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"How do you know when you are only pretending to care about the difficult emotions of others? Here are the signs of fake empathy.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-10-18T16:02:42+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-10-21T18:23:42+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/fake.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"910\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"607\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Joseph Adebisi\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Joseph Adebisi\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Joseph Adebisi\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/d8daf45671a09e8745a7a9f50a03b2a0\"},\"headline\":\"How to Tell Fake Empathy From Genuine Care\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-10-18T16:02:42+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-10-21T18:23:42+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/\"},\"wordCount\":626,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/fake.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Dare to Lead\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Relationships\",\"Work\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/\",\"name\":\"How to Tell Fake Empathy From Genuine Care - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/fake-empathy\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/10\/fake.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-10-18T16:02:42+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-10-21T18:23:42+00:00\",\"description\":\"How do you know when you are only pretending to care about the difficult emotions of others? 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