{"id":50330,"date":"2021-09-21T04:35:00","date_gmt":"2021-09-21T08:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=50330"},"modified":"2021-10-04T12:07:39","modified_gmt":"2021-10-04T16:07:39","slug":"how-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-want-help","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-help-someone-who-doesnt-want-help\/","title":{"rendered":"Here’s How to Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to know how to help someone who doesn’t want help? What are some reasons someone might not want to ask for help?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For various reasons, people who are struggling might not ask for help. Understanding the reasons, and reading our tips for how to help someone who doesn’t want help, might empower them to make that all-important step to reach out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Find out how to help someone who doesn’t want help below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Why People Refuse to Ask for Help<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

To understand how to help someone who doesn’t want help, it’s important to first understand why they don’t want help in the first place. This is different for everyone, but here are two possible reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1) They Want to Fix It Themselves<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In their quest to be needless saints that must \u201cfix\u201d everything themselves, someone who doesn\u2019t want help is often a poor receiver.<\/strong> When someone tries to attend to their needs\u2014emotional, sexual, work-related, or otherwise\u2014they challenge his negative beliefs about his self-worth and cause inner tension.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To avoid these negative feelings, they will unconsciously avoid situations where their needs are likely to be met.<\/strong> For example, they\u2019ll seek out needy people, communicate in vague ways, and self-sabotage. And because they rely on covert contracts (assuming no one wants<\/em> to meet their needs) they rarely ask<\/em> for help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Or, they might not want to be a burden. Although they might use it in an unproductive way, \u201clow maintenance\u201d can<\/em> be used as a positive descriptor\u2014a haircut that doesn\u2019t require much upkeep, for example. It\u2019s when we apply this term to human behavior and our relationships that the concept becomes problematic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein, the desire to be seen as \u201clow maintenance\u201d often comes from a place of fear<\/a>. We might fear being viewed as \u201cneedy\u201d or fear abandonment if our needs become \u201ctoo much\u201d for others. She explains that this mindset often develops in childhood when parents ignore, downplay, or overreact to a child\u2019s needs\u2014emotional or otherwise. Epstein emphasizes that because being a selfless caretaker and malleable people-pleaser becomes the goal of the \u201clow maintenance\u201d person, the desire to appear needless\u2014much like the victim mindset\u2014is tied to a rejection of the self.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

2) They\u2019re Stuck in a Victim Mentality<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Psychoanalyst Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries defines the victim mentality<\/a> as a belief that all control over your life rests in the hands of external forces. This can lead to angry outbursts and defensiveness. Essentially, their feelings of powerlessness turn into a rage that gets taken out on the innocent people around them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

De Vries adds a final rescuer <\/em>stage, in which the \u201cvictim\u201d decides to \u201crescue\u201d others in an attempt to fix everyone\u2019s problems except their own. When someone tries to help the \u201cvictim\u201d in return, they invent reasons to resist this assistance so as to unconsciously affirm their victim status and elicit more attention. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

De Vries believes the best way to break this cycle is to self-reflect and develop a healthy self-image.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Helping Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve discussed earlier in this article how the victim mentality can cause this type of resistance to support\u2014so, what do you do when you want to help someone who doesn\u2019t want help? Experts have some advice:<\/p>\n\n\n\n