{"id":50302,"date":"2021-09-25T04:40:00","date_gmt":"2021-09-25T08:40:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=50302"},"modified":"2021-10-04T12:07:32","modified_gmt":"2021-10-04T16:07:32","slug":"how-to-stop-being-a-nice-guy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-stop-being-a-nice-guy\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Being a Nice Guy: The Ultimate Guide"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Do you want to know how to stop being a Nice Guy? What effective tips can help you overcome <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nice-guy-syndrome\/\">Nice Guy Syndrome<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/dr-robert-glover\/\">Dr. Robert Glover<\/a>, \u201cbeing nice\u201d rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys\u2019 insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. In <em>No More Mr. Nice Guy,<\/em> he offers a step-by-step plan that tells you how to stop being a Nice Guy in your personal life, career, and relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Find out how to stop being a Nice Guy below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">How to Stop Being a Nice Guy<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Before we tell you how to stop being a Nice Guy, it&#8217;s important to understand what one is. Here, Glover defines the key differences between a so-called Nice Guy and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-ideal-man\/\">the ideal man<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>NICE GUY<\/strong><\/td><td><strong>Ideal Man<\/strong><\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Avoids conflict and struggles with boundaries<\/td><td>Handles conflict and establishes boundaries<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Prioritizes other\u2019s needs and desires over his own<\/td><td>Holds himself accountable for his own needs and desires<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Ignores his flaws and mistakes<\/td><td>Addresses and learns from his flaws and mistakes<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Fixes people and situations without prompting<\/td><td>Takes charge and genuinely cares for his loved ones<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Withholds his thoughts and emotions out of a fear of disapproval<\/td><td>Communicates his thoughts and emotions openly and honestly<\/td><\/tr><tr><td>Isolated and lonely, even among family and friends<\/td><td>Builds healthy, worthwhile relationships with everyone (women <em>and<\/em> men)<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>While the traits of someone with Nice Guy syndrome listed above may be interpreted as passive or even annoying, they\u2019re far from <em>mean<\/em>. But Nice Guys\u2019 suppression of the self\u2014to avoid disapproval, conflict, or strong emotions\u2014leads them to frequent disappointment. Glover stresses that <strong>in their frustration with life, Nice Guys are often far from <em>nice<\/em>.<\/strong> In fact,<strong> <\/strong>their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The negative traits above show you how damaging this mindset can be for the people around you. Here&#8217;s how to stop being a Nice Guy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">1) Identify Your Approval-Seeking Habits<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The first way to stop being a Nice Guy is <em>self-approval<\/em>. This journey begins by looking inward\u2014rather than outward\u2014for approval. Glover notes that <strong>to be truly intimate with yourself and others, you must wholeheartedly be yourself.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Before you can accept yourself, you must look inward and recognize your approval-seeking habits. In order to ID them, ask yourself what <em>you<\/em> want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Observe your day-to-day behaviors. Glover suggests you take a minute to acknowledge not only <em>what<\/em> you do but <em>why<\/em> you do it, especially in regards to your attachments. Ask yourself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>\u201cDoes this make me happy?\u201d<\/li><li>\u201cWho am I doing this for?\u201d<\/li><li>\u201cWhat do I want? What do I need?\u201d<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Ask <em>What<\/em>, Not <em>Why<\/em> When Self-Reflecting<\/strong><br><br>The ultimate goal of self-reflection is self-awareness, but does all introspection lead to this outcome? Organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich says <em>not necessarily. <\/em>Eurich cites multiple studies that show <a href=\"https:\/\/ideas.ted.com\/the-right-way-to-be-introspective-yes-theres-a-wrong-way\/\"><strong>self-reflection isn\u2019t directly correlated to our self-awareness<\/strong><\/a>. This doesn\u2019t mean self-reflection is a useless act but that we must do it <em>with intention<\/em>.&nbsp;<br><br>Although Glover encourages us to consider <em>why<\/em> we do the things we do, <strong>Eurich urges us to instead ask ourselves <em>what<\/em> questions when self-reflecting to make that reflection more intentional and productive.<\/strong> For example, instead of asking <em>why<\/em> you have a specific attachment, you might find it more productive to phrase this question as \u201c<em>What<\/em> does this behavior do for me?\u201d or \u201c<em>What<\/em> effect does this behavior have on my self-worth?\u201d<br><br>According to Eurich, <em>why<\/em> questions (\u201c<em>Why<\/em> do I feel this way\u201d) are more likely to prompt us to think of our past or personal failings or launch us into <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-victim-mentality\/\">the victim mentality<\/a>. Meanwhile, <em>what<\/em> questions (\u201c<em>What<\/em> am I feeling right now?\u201d) help us name and understand our current emotions or even imagine our potential. In her own studies, Eurich found those who both practiced self-reflection <em>and<\/em> developed self-awareness always focused on the <em>what<\/em>.&nbsp;<br><br>Are <em>why<\/em> questions ever appropriate? Eurich says yes, but we should save our <em>whys<\/em> for problems in our environment (\u201c<em>Why<\/em> did this experiment fail?\u201d) and our <em>whats<\/em> for issues of the self (\u201c<em>What<\/em> do I value?\u201d).<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">2) Reveal Yourself &amp; Share With Others<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>As you start to discover the real you, Glover recommends keeping a support system or \u201csafe people\u201d around to help you through ups and downs (he prefers a support group of other men). Exposing your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-find-your-true-self\/\">true self<\/a> can be scary, so do it with people you trust<strong>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Glover, <strong>our safe people help us combat <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/overcoming-self-limiting-beliefs\/\">self-sabotaging beliefs<\/a> and serve as a reminder that we\u2019re loved, even when we slip up.<\/strong> Although we\u2019ve stressed the importance of internal validation, external <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/affirmation-and-visualization-7-habits\/\">affirmations<\/a> from safe people like \u201cI\u2019m proud of you,\u201d and \u201cWe\u2019re here for you no matter what,\u201d help reverse unproductive beliefs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In addition to affirmations, your safe people can keep you on track and prevent you from developing tunnel vision. In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/emotional-intelligence-2-0\"><em>Emotional Intelligence 2.0<\/em><\/a>, Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves note that in times of distress, we often get bogged down in the details. But <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/emotional-intelligence-2-0\/chapter-6\">outside parties provide an objective perspective and can help us see the bigger picture, decipher our emotions, and figure out a path forward<\/a>. They suggest explicitly telling those in your life about your personal goals, as they can hold you accountable through related challenges and choices.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">3) Put Yourself First<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Another way you can stop being a Nice Guy is by putting yourself first. If Nice Guys are selfishly unselfish when prioritizing others, Ideal Men must be <em>unselfishly selfish<\/em> by putting themselves first. According to Glover, <strong>there\u2019s only one way to become unselfishly selfish: <em>Take responsibility for your needs<\/em>. <\/strong>When you prioritize yourself, you assert new, more productive beliefs about yourself, your needs, and how to meet these needs. <strong>Everyone has needs and prioritizing yourself is the only mature, direct, and honest means of satisfying them.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: Although Deida agrees that the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-the-superior-man\">Superior Man<\/a> is responsible for himself, his interpretation of what this responsibility <em>is <\/em>differs from Glover\u2019s. Deida believes that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-the-superior-man\">in his intimate relationships, the Superior Man is responsible not necessarily for his <em>needs<\/em>, but for knowing his purpose in life and using it to set goals to keep himself and his woman on track<\/a>. As a man, Deida says it\u2019s your responsibility to cut through female moods and emotions\u2014as well as your own preoccupations with your duties\u2014and provide you both with a clear direction.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Glover suggests you start small: <strong>Try putting yourself first for a week.<\/strong> Let those in your life know about your experiment and what you hope to gain from it. At the end of the week, check in with yourself and your loved ones. What changed?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Men in Glover\u2019s support group participated in the same weeklong challenge. In the end, he noticed his patients\u2019 covert contracts and resentment-fueled outbursts began to disappear. They were finally in a position to genuinely <em>care<\/em> for their loved ones. No longer smothered, their partners were free to prioritize themselves in return.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Why You Shouldn\u2019t Feel Guilty for Prioritizing Yourself<\/strong><br>Although, as the example of Glover\u2019s support group shows, prioritizing yourself can have many positive effects, many of us still feel guilty for doing so. If you\u2019re experiencing guilt because you believe prioritizing yourself&#8230;<br><strong>Makes you a narcissist:<\/strong> Science says you can throw this thought away entirely. According to psychotherapist Dr. Jon Belford, if this worry is keeping you from caring for yourself, you\u2019re not a narcissist as <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nbcnews.com\/better\/health\/what-happened-when-i-put-myself-first-every-situation-ncna815746\">this thought wouldn\u2019t even cross a true narcissist\u2019s mind.<\/a>&nbsp;<br><strong>Is all about personal, instant gratification:<\/strong> <a href=\"https:\/\/www.coursecorrectioncoaching.com\/guilty-taking-care-of-yourself\/\">Define what putting yourself first <em>really <\/em>means<\/a>. This isn\u2019t about \u201cfeeling good\u201d or \u201cindulging,\u201d it\u2019s about doing what you need to do for your wellbeing.&nbsp;<br><strong>Takes time away from something or someone else:<\/strong> There will always be something else you could be doing, but <a href=\"https:\/\/www.headspace.com\/blog\/2018\/01\/11\/putting-yourself-first\/\">taking care of your needs makes you a more available and present partner, parent, or employee\/leader<\/a>. So you\u2019re not doing it \u201cat the expense\u201d of something else. You\u2019re doing it so you can be a more caring person.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p>Nice Guys tend to view themselves as helpless, isolated victims on life\u2019s roller coaster. But know that if you can take responsibility for your self-worth and your needs, you can take responsibility for your <em>power<\/em> as well.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">4) Discover Your Personal Power<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>To stop being a Nice Guy, Glover says a man must change his relationship with fear, uncertainty, and the general \u201cun-smoothness\u201d of life. <strong>In the face of unpredictability, he must cultivate his personal power. <\/strong>Glover defines<strong> <\/strong><em>personal power<\/em> as the ability to handle life&#8217;s challenges with confidence. It\u2019s not defined by a lack of fear, <em>but a capacity to manage and grow from it<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: When it comes to leadership development, personal power is often discussed in opposition to <em>positional power<\/em>, which <a href=\"https:\/\/www.termscompared.com\/positional-power-vs-personal-power\/\">refers to the power our position holds in a set hierarchy or organization<\/a>. Positional power doesn\u2019t come from a place of charisma or respect but from merely pulling rank. In this context, <strong>our personal power refers to our ability to command respect and attention no matter our hierarchical position<\/strong>. But whether you\u2019ve tapped into your personal power for your own sake or for the sake of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-influence-others\/\">influencing others<\/a>, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.forbes.com\/sites\/forbescoachescouncil\/2019\/03\/06\/do-you-exude-personal-power-or-do-you-rely-on-positional-power\/?sh=34e9c12c65ec\">it comes from a place of self-acceptance, honest communication, and confidence<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If recovering Nice Guys embrace Glover\u2019s following strategies, they\u2019ll be better equipped to assert their power while welcoming life\u2019s challenges.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">5) Let It Go<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>To reclaim your personal power, Glover insists you first <em>surrender<\/em>. This doesn\u2019t mean giving up completely but instead acknowledging what you can and can\u2019t control. For example, you <em>can\u2019t<\/em> control the actions and reactions of others, but you <em>can<\/em> control your own.<strong> <\/strong>Surrendering to the unpredictability of the universe lifts a burden from your shoulders: <strong>You can only control <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/control-what-you-can-control\/\">what you can control<\/a>.<\/strong>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In his book <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-stop-worrying-and-start-living\"><em>How to Stop Worrying and Start Living<\/em><\/a>, Dale Carnegie also urges you to accept what you can\u2019t control as a way to curb anxiety. Instead of giving up entirely or attempting to change the unchangeable, he suggests you <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/how-to-stop-worrying-and-start-living\/part-3\"><em>cooperate <\/em>with your circumstances as they are<\/a>. Say you intend to make an omelet, but it falls apart before you can get it on your plate. Don\u2019t fret that you can\u2019t put the omelet back together\u2014let go of your expectations and enjoy the tasty scramble you just made.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Surrendering includes curbing your perfectionism. Glover notes that \u201cperfectionism\u201d doesn\u2019t mean doing everything perfectly\u2014it means obsessing over every mistake or small imperfection to a detrimental degree. No project or undertaking is ever <em>perfect<\/em>. <strong>Once you stop expecting and striving for perfection, you\u2019ll be free to take risks and follow what works for you.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Bren\u00e9 Brown on Perfectionism<\/strong><br><br>Glover isn\u2019t the only author to discuss the perils of perfectionism. In <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-gifts-of-imperfection\"><em>The Gifts of Imperfection<\/em><\/a>, Bren\u00e9 Brown decries perfectionism, arguing it\u2019s often driven by a desire to control how others perceive you. According to Brown, <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-gifts-of-imperfection\/chapters-5-6-11\">striving for perfection is less about avoiding mistakes and more about avoiding the judgement and shame of others<\/a>. We know Nice Guys avoid judgment and shame at all costs, so it\u2019s unsurprising perfectionism is a common coping mechanism among them.Like Glover, Brown agrees that perfection is impossible to attain, but she takes it a step further: Even trying to <em>appear<\/em> perfect is unrealistic. Thus, the real danger of perfectionism comes from the incredibly high standards we set for ourselves and the negative emotions that arise when we inevitably fail to meet them. With Brown\u2019s framing of perfectionism in mind, we can see how greater self-acceptance and letting go of your high expectations could help to curb perfectionism in Nice Guys.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">6) Welcome Fear<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Fear is a normal part of life, but Nice Guys have a less-than-healthy relationship with it. Glover says that for a Nice Guy, fear is a constant reminder of every stressful, uncomfortable, and dangerous situation they\u2019ve ever experienced. This fear-response tends to make Nice Guys <em>overly cautious and risk avoidant<\/em>.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Glover asserts <strong>the only way to overcome vicious anxiety and fear is to acknowledge it and face what currently scares you. <\/strong>Just as self-care and prioritizing yourself help enforce a new self-concept, you create new beliefs each time you push through fear.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>How the Superior Man Deals With Fear<\/strong><br><br>Facing your fears is easier said than done, but we can to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-the-superior-man\"><em>The Way of the Superior Man<\/em><\/a> for advice on how to approach these situations. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-the-superior-man\/part-1\">When you\u2019re feeling uncomfortable, anxious, or afraid, Deida recommends you let go and open yourself to uncertainty by<\/a>:<br><br><strong>Focusing on your breath.<\/strong> Release the tension in your body by standing up straight and breathing deep into your belly. Allow yourself to be physically and mentally open to what you\u2019re experiencing. <strong>Speaking your fears.<\/strong> By acknowledging and describing your fears and how they affect you, you allow yourself to be emotionally open to your present feelings.&nbsp;<br><br>Once you\u2019re fully open to whatever life may throw at you, Deida agrees there\u2019s only one thing left to do: <strong>Face it head-on.<\/strong>&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">7) Set Boundaries<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Nice Guys must learn to set boundaries. Glover argues that even if Nice Guys have boundaries in theory, they tend to give in without much force. In keeping the peace, they hope others will stop violating their wishy-washy limits.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amazon.com\/Dating-Essentials-Men-Only-Guide-ebook\/dp\/B07RJ1JXNB\"><em>Dating Essentials for Men<\/em><\/a>, Glover discusses a type of boundary-crossing that he calls <em>shit tests<\/em>. This term refers to anything a woman does\u2014whether conscious or unconscious\u2014to test the validity and limits of her man\u2019s boundaries. Although men should never accept mean behavior, <a href=\"https:\/\/datingessentialsformen.com\/2019\/03\/15\/question-of-the-week-shit-tests\/\">Glover says standing firm against a woman\u2019s shit tests in particular is a great way to demonstrate your strength, stability, and capacity to be a man<\/a>.)&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s hard to embrace your personal power if you let others walk all over you. But like <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/accepting-responsibility\/\">taking responsibility<\/a> for your needs, <strong>you must take responsibility for how others treat you.<\/strong> Glover stresses that others have no <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-is-incentive-meaning-and-definition-economics\/\">incentive<\/a> to change if you reinforce their behavior by giving in. Once you realize this, you\u2019ll find <strong>changing your <\/strong><strong><em>own behavior<\/em><\/strong><strong> (by setting firm boundaries) is a simpler, more rewarding path<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Glover\u2019s advice for setting boundaries is as follows: If your partner exhibits behaviors that make you uncomfortable, ask, &#8220;Would I still be interested in this person if I experienced this on a second date?&#8221; If the answer is no, then you know you need to set a boundary. This rule helps you take a step back and realize when you\u2019re being treated unfairly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Tips for Setting (Lasting) Boundaries<\/strong><br><br>Glover\u2019s advice on boundary-setting is arguably limited, since it refers only to setting boundaries in romantic relationships. Here are some more tips on how to set boundaries that stick that are applicable to <em>any <\/em>relationship (be it romantic, familial, or even professional):<br><br>Author Mark Manson suggests <a href=\"https:\/\/markmanson.net\/boundaries#setting-boundaries\">you have set consequences for others for violating each of your boundaries<\/a>. This will make you more likely to stick to your guns and follow through no matter the person or the context. But <em>don\u2019t forget <\/em>to communicate these consequences to the relevant parties. (You wouldn\u2019t want your boundaries to become covert contracts, now would you?)<br><br>Psychology scholar Mariana Bockarova encourages you to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/romantically-attached\/201608\/4-ways-set-and-keep-your-personal-boundaries\">practice being assertive in all situations to get used to setting boundaries<\/a>. How can you talk to your partner about being mistreated if you can\u2019t tell a server he got your order wrong? By starting small, you can build your way up to setting limits with your loved ones.<br><br>Wellness consultant Alex Elle reminds us that <a href=\"https:\/\/www.npr.org\/2021\/01\/25\/960423678\/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family-and-stick-to-them\">although boundaries should be clearly defined, they\u2019re not set in stone<\/a>. Just as we change over time, so can our boundaries. Keep asking yourself what you need in the moment and adjust your limits accordingly.<br><br>Codependency recovery coach Hailey Magee says <a href=\"https:\/\/tinybuddha.com\/blog\/how-to-set-better-boundaries-9-tips-for-people-pleasers\/\">we must learn how to accept the boundaries of others while asserting our own<\/a>. We should thank others for their vulnerability and clear communication when they successfully set a boundary, as we can learn from their example.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">8) Develop Integrity<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Instead of defaulting to deceit out of fear, Glover says <strong>Nice Guys must <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/act-with-integrity\/\">develop integrity<\/a><\/strong>. This can be difficult, as their tenuous grasp on the truth is related to their flimsy grasp on reality. Nice Guys can\u2019t behave truthfully when their actions are based on projection or delusions (like their <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-limiting-beliefs\/\">self-limiting beliefs<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To combat this, Glover encourages you to<strong> take a step back and ask yourself if your actions and behaviors are in response to reality.<\/strong> Are you projecting old insecurities onto your current partner? Or maybe you feel your boss is the only thing holding you back when your attitude is part of the problem. Responding to reality allows you to make realistic and productive decisions about the matter <em>actually<\/em> at hand. The truth isn\u2019t always easy, but responding to reality with integrity is much easier than the stress of being \u201cfound out\u201d or tackling each day from a place of fantasy.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Glover,<strong> the best way to live with integrity is to ask yourself, \u201c<\/strong><strong><em>What do I think is right?<\/em><\/strong><strong>\u201d Then do it.<\/strong> Integrity gives you the power to approach reality\u2014be it your relationship or job\u2014with clarity, direction, and sincerity.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: How do you know what\u2019s \u201cright\u201d? In <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/dare-to-lead\"><em>Dare to Lead<\/em><\/a>, Bren\u00e9 Brown stresses the importance of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/dare-to-lead\/chapter-2\">developing strong personal values to guide you through difficult matters of integrity<\/a>. <strong>Without guiding values, we\u2019re more likely to take the easy way out than do what\u2019s <\/strong><strong><em>right<\/em><\/strong>. She recommends choosing two <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/clarifying-your-values\/\">core values<\/a> that you <em>truly<\/em> believe in\u2014such as authenticity, compassion, loyalty, and so on\u2014then setting up guidelines for what these values look like in practice. When you ask yourself \u201c<em>What\u2019s right?<\/em>\u201d you\u2019ll have firm principles to keep you on track. For example, if you value accountability, you could set up a guideline that says you will own up to your mistakes and avoid <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/stop-making-excuses\/\">making excuses<\/a> when you do so.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">9) Find Positive Male Role Models<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>To combat old negative assumptions about men, Glover emphasizes <strong>Nice Guys must seek out new, healthy models of masculinity.<\/strong> When they observe healthy masculinity in action, Nice Guys integrate these positive associations into their conception of manhood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your role models can be anyone\u2014a coworker, world leader, old friend, or admired community member. Glover suggests you <strong>identify the positive masculine traits you would like to embrace, then find men who embody them.<\/strong> And these men don\u2019t need to be real\u2014there are plenty of fictional characters that exemplify the traits of healthy, functioning men.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: While Glover stresses Nice Guys find <em>male<\/em> role models to help guide them, Deida asks the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-the-superior-man\/part-1\">Superior Man<\/a> to turn to the wisdom of older women as well. As women age, they tend to embrace their masculine energy more, which according to Deida, decreases their capacity to <em>tolerate bullshit<\/em>. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/app\/book\/the-way-of-the-superior-man\/part-5\">This\u2014combined with their ability for deep emotional understanding as a mature female\u2014makes older women worthy companions on your self-improvement journey<\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">10) Pass the Torch<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>As you look to your role models, you must also provide the next generation with healthy models of masculinity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to Glover, healthy <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/male-role-models\/\">male role models<\/a> help young boys transition into manhood without the stressful process of <em>unlearning shame<\/em>. Instead, they\u2019ll learn to embrace their masculinity outright. And these relationships go both ways\u2014<strong>Nice Guys benefit from the vitality and unrestrained energy that young men and boys possess.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>A biological relationship isn\u2019t necessary to form these bonds. Yes, spend time with your sons, nephews, and cousins. But if you have no young male relatives of your own, Glover reminds you to get involved with your local scouts, sports teams, or big brother program.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Tips for Encouraging Healthy Masculinity in Boys<\/strong><br><br>Both<strong> <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.planusa.org\/\">Plan International<\/a> and <a href=\"https:\/\/promundoglobal.org\/\">Promundo<\/a> are international organizations dedicated to engaging boys and men in the fight for gender equality. In an effort to address questions from the growing number of people interested in raising boys with a healthy understanding of masculinity, <a href=\"https:\/\/promundoglobal.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/healthy-masculinity-tipsheet-for-parents.pdf\">they created a list of concrete tips for parental figures<\/a>:<br><br><strong>Use playtime to build empathy.<\/strong> Boys can learn a lot about themselves and the world through play. Roleplaying allows you to demonstrate healthy ways of working through a wide array of emotions, situations, and values.&nbsp;<br><br><strong>Allow boys to express themselves\u2014however that may be.<\/strong> Urge young boys to pick toys or clothing they are drawn to, even when they pick something \u201cmeant for girls.\u201d Encouraging honest self-expression will help them define their masculinity apart from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/faulty-assumptions\/\">harmful stereotypes<\/a>.&nbsp;<br><br><strong>Teach boys about consent.<\/strong> Teach boys they must ask for permission to touch others, but make sure they understand consent is a two-way street\u2014they\u2019re allowed to say <em>no<\/em> as well. You can demonstrate this principle by supporting them when they refuse physical contact\u2014like a hug or a kiss\u2014from family members.<br><br><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/a-leader-leads-by-example-not-by-force\/\">Lead by example<\/a>.<\/strong> Model what you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/think-yourself-healthy\/\">think healthy<\/a> masculinity looks like for the boys in your life. Children remember what we say and do, so we must address our own behavior if we say something inappropriate or find ourselves slipping into rigid roles. Provide boys with many examples of masculinity by seeking out positive representations in media and additional role models in your community.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">11) Shake Things Up in Your Relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When entering into new relationships, Glover has one strategy: <strong>Shake things up. <\/strong>Instead of falling back on bad habits (like not setting boundaries) or unproductive mindsets (that your needs don\u2019t matter, for example), start from a place of integrity, self-confidence, and vulnerability from the get-go. This will save you from having to \u201cfix\u201d a relationship that\u2019s gone south (or keep you from entering into a toxic one in the first place).&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Starting fresh gives you the unique opportunity to look for a different caliber of partner <\/strong>(one who embodies your values). Glover says if you accept yourself and embrace your power, you\u2019re more likely to seek out (and be sought by) those who exude the same self-confidence and energy as you do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Just as the unconfident, never-changing mindset compels Nice Guys to remain in toxic environments (be it their romantic relationship or career), this do-something-different approach can also be applied to finding and beginning a new job.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: When you do leave a toxic work environment, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.indeed.com\/career-advice\/starting-new-job\/healing-after-leaving-a-toxic-job\">try your best to have some time to recover before jumping into another job<\/a>. Take this time to reflect\u2014not only on yourself, your skills, and your worth, but also on the negative experiences you had in the toxic environment. Were your former boss or coworkers abusive? Or was your job toxic at a systemic level? Learning from bad experiences can help you better understand what industries or company cultures will support you in the way that you need.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Starting Over After a Toxic Relationship<\/strong><br><br>Following Glover\u2019s advice and getting a fresh start after a bad relationship can be a bit daunting, but <a href=\"https:\/\/goodmenproject.com\/featured-content\/how-to-be-in-a-healthy-relationship-after-a-toxic-one\/\">The Good Men Project has some tips for starting things off on the right foot this time around<\/a>:<br><strong>Remind yourself you\u2019re worthy.<\/strong><br> You deserve happiness and a partner that treats you well as much as anyone else. But you must believe in your own self-worth as an individual person before you can begin a new, healthy relationship.<br><br><strong>Write down any green and\/or red flags you notice.<\/strong> It\u2019s easy to ignore someone\u2019s flaws when you\u2019re just getting to know them, but do your best to recognize and take note of any concerning behaviors. Don\u2019t forget to look out for the positive signs as well\u2014what makes this person seem like they\u2019ll be trustworthy and supportive?&nbsp;<br><br><strong>Talk to your friends and family. <\/strong>If you find yourself over-romanticizing your new beau, ask your loved ones what they think\u2014do they notice any red flags? Or better yet, ask these safe people to set you up with someone they think highly of. This way, you\u2019re meeting someone who\u2019s already been vetted by someone you trust.<br><br><strong>Don\u2019t overthink it. <\/strong>Resist the urge to self-sabotage if your new relationship is running smoothly. Let yourself feel joy and excitement in your new, healthy relationship. Don\u2019t be afraid to lean into someone who is expressing genuine care for you.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">12) Ask for Help<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>No one can do everything alone, so Glover stresses that Nice Guys <strong>learn to ask for help. <\/strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-take-control-of-your-life\/\">Taking control of your life<\/a> includes utilizing the people and resources at your disposal. First, you must recognize that others are there for you and<em> want to help<\/em>. Then, you must ask for help in a clear, direct manner.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>How to Effectively Ask for Help<\/strong><br><br>Asking for help can be intimidating, especially if you\u2019re a Nice Guy who\u2019s not used to acknowledging when he needs help in the first place. And there\u2019s nothing more discouraging than asking for help and not receiving it. But according to business professor Wayne Baker, <a href=\"https:\/\/greatergood.berkeley.edu\/article\/item\/how_to_overcome_your_reluctance_to_ask_for_help_at_work\">the most effective way to get help is by making a <em>SMART<\/em> request<\/a>. <br><br>When you ask someone else to help you, make sure what you\u2019re requesting fits the following criteria:<br><br><strong>Specific:<\/strong> Vague requests are less likely to be acted upon, so keep it concise and to the point.<br><strong>Meaningful:<\/strong> Explain to whoever you\u2019re asking <em>why<\/em> you need the help you do.&nbsp;<br><strong>Action:<\/strong> Tell the other person what tasks they can do to help, which will only make your request more specific.<br><strong>Realistic:<\/strong> Make sure you\u2019re not asking someone to do the impossible.&nbsp;<br><strong>Time:<\/strong> Give the other person a deadline or timeframe for your request.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Do you want to know how to stop being a Nice Guy? What effective tips can help you overcome Nice Guy Syndrome? In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to Dr. Robert Glover, \u201cbeing nice\u201d rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys\u2019 insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. In No More Mr. Nice Guy, he offers a step-by-step plan that tells you how to stop being a Nice Guy in your personal life, career, and relationships. Find out how to stop being a Nice Guy below.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":44104,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,43],"tags":[506],"class_list":["post-50302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-self-improvement","tag-no-more-mr-nice-guy","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Stop Being a Nice Guy: The Ultimate Guide - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Do you want to know how to stop being a nice guy? 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