{"id":50187,"date":"2021-10-03T05:15:00","date_gmt":"2021-10-03T09:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=50187"},"modified":"2021-10-04T13:46:30","modified_gmt":"2021-10-04T17:46:30","slug":"codependent-caretaker","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/codependent-caretaker\/","title":{"rendered":"Codependent Caretaking: Signs to Look Out For"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is a codependent caretaker? How can you tell if you are one?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes, actions that seem generous and kind can actually be insidious. Genuinely caring for someone is not the same thing as caretaking, which is defined as giving care to others with your own needs in mind. From there, it’s a slippery slope towards codependent caretaking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learn more about codependent caretaking and why it happens below.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Signs of a Codependent Caretaker<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes \u201cgenerosity\u201d comes with strings attached. This is called a \u201ccovert contract,\u201d and is based on this assumption:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I do something for you \u2192 You do something for me \u2192 We both walk away satisfied, pretending our needs and this transaction never existed<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A common example of a covert contract is giving a compliment<\/a> just to hear one back<\/em>. When you get a new haircut and no one notices, you might compliment a coworker\u2019s hairstyle to prompt a similar compliment. In this case, your kind words didn\u2019t come from a genuine place but <\/strong>from a personal need for external validation<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Covert contracts often leave people disappointed, but we do see them \u201cwork\u201d to an extent in our day-to-day lives (see our example above). When we hear \u201cI love you,\u201d we\u2019re compelled to say \u201cI love you\u201d back. If a coworker surprises you with a holiday gift and you\u2019re empty-handed, you feel guilty for not giving them something in return. You feel like you owe them<\/em> despite knowing you never agreed to exchange gifts. What makes us feel this way?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It has to do with what Robert Cialdini\u2014in his book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion<\/em><\/a>\u2014calls the reciprocity principle<\/a><\/em>. According to Cialdini, this principle is the innate indebtedness we feel when someone does something for us<\/a> (even if we didn\u2019t need or want that something in the first place). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Although Cialdini discusses this principle in relation to business and customer relationships, we can apply it to our interactions with covert contracts. Concepts of fairness\u2014like \u201cI scratch your back, you scratch mine\u201d\u2014are so ingrained in our daily lives that we\u2019re already in a position to be manipulated when presented with the \u201cgiving\u201d end of a covert contract.<\/strong> Covert contracts can \u201cwork\u201d on us because they take advantage<\/em> of our reciprocal nature.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Caring vs Caretaking<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Glover defines caretaking<\/em> as spending all your time attending to other people\u2019s needs so that you can avoid your problems, have your needs met, or feel important. Caretaking is, in itself, a covert contract. It\u2019s generosity that stems from neediness rather than love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Genuinely caring for someone is not the same thing as caretaking.<\/strong> Nice Guys might think<\/em> they\u2019re caring, but Glover points out some major differences:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Caretaking<\/strong><\/td>Caring<\/strong><\/td><\/tr>
Gives based on the giver\u2019s desires<\/td>Gives based on the receiver\u2019s needs<\/td><\/tr>
Gives to fill a void<\/td>Gives out of an abundance of love<\/td><\/tr>
Gives to get<\/td>Gives to give<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

The Codependent Caretaker<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The concept of \u201ccaretaking\u201d is most commonly discussed in regards to codependent relationships, especially between parent and child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer, a caregiving<\/em> parent provides their child with unconditional love and care.<\/a> Parents who caretake<\/em> have their own needs in mind when \u201cgiving\u201d to their child and often feel righteous or expect something in return for their \u201cself-sacrifice.\u201d These parents typically feel responsible for<\/em> their child, rather than a responsibility to<\/em> their child. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Lancer notes how caretakers can become codependent caretakers:<\/strong> When a child constantly has things done for<\/em> him to meet his needs, he learns that 1. he\u2019s not responsible for his own needs and 2. he lacks the confidence and abilities to tend to them. From there, the child grows dependent on his parents and the caretaking evolves into a form of control<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Further, when a child grows up equating love with self-sacrifice\u2014this being a key tenet of his parent\u2019s caretaking, as noted above\u2014this mindset may be carried into his adult relationships. In his book, The Road Less Traveled<\/em><\/a>, M. Scott Peck says this belief results in<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n