Why do nice guys finish last? Are so-called nice guys actually as nice as they say they are?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The phrase \u201cnice guys finish last\u201d is often used to describe the fact that women seemingly say they go for \u201cnice guys\u201d but actually go for jerks. However, Dr. Robert Glover<\/a> looks at this phrase in a different way, showing that so-called \u201cNice Guys\u201d are often not-so-nice at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here’s another way of answering the question “why do nice guys finish last?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Do you pride yourself on being the nicest guy in the world<\/em>? Does your fear of disapproval lead you to people-please, avoid conflict<\/a>, and repress parts of yourself<\/a>?<\/strong> If this sounds like you, you might be what Dr. Robert Glover calls a Nice Guy<\/em>. So, why do nice guys finish last, according to Glover?<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice<\/em>. However, according to Glover, \u201cbeing nice\u201d rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys\u2019 insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. Their repetitive, ineffective approach to life leads to unsatisfying intimate relationships, bitterness, and disappointment.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover stresses that in their frustration with life, Nice Guys are often far from <\/strong>nice<\/em><\/strong>.<\/strong> Their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization: <\/p>\n\n\n\n Nice Guy does something to <\/strong>appear<\/em><\/strong> nice \u2192 He stews in silent resentment when things don\u2019t go his way \u2192 Unable to contain his anger any longer, he lashes out <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Overall, this cycle of repression, self-pity, and fear brings out Nice Guys\u2019 undesirable characteristics, such as dishonesty and manipulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover emphasizes that women aren\u2019t attracted to \u201cjerks,\u201d as many Nice Guys assume. Rather, they\u2019re attracted to fully realized, confident, independent humans. He states that when Nice Guys grapple with simultaneous feelings of worthiness (\u201cI\u2019m so nice\u201d) and unworthiness (\u201cBut I\u2019m so bad\u201d), their inner tension leads to a suppression of the self that can make them appear tense and boring. Ultimately, trying too hard to be \u201cnice,\u201d \u201cright,\u201d and \u201cgood\u201d all the time makes for a lifeless (and thus unattractive) person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are some reasons why nice guys finish last, according to Glover:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover repeatedly states that, operating under the belief that no one will love them as they are, Nice Guys will be just about anyone you want them to be.<\/strong> But their approval-seeking strategies usually leave everyone dissatisfied\u2014themselves included. In order to gain approval and avoid disapproval, shape-shifting Nice Guys depend on external validation<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Nice Guys\u2019 fixation with external validation is best observed in their reliance on both attachments<\/em> and women\u2019s approval<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Glover, attachments<\/em> are the external signifiers Nice Guys use to win others\u2019 approval (they \u201cattach\u201d these things to their personal value). These attachments can be something you do to your appearance or a behavior or trait you highlight, such as: <\/p>\n\n\n\n What\u2019s wrong with putting effort into your appearance or doing something kind for a stranger? Nothing, on the surface. Glover asserts that the answer lies in one question: Who are you<\/a> doing it for?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you notice yourself doing something solely for the sake of others, Glover says you\u2019re using it as an attachment<\/em>. A Nice Guy might think a messy desk at work signifies he\u2019s \u201cbad.\u201d So, he becomes obsessed with keeping it clean to assert how \u201cgood\u201d he is. (If an Ideal Man keeps his desk at work clean, it\u2019s because <\/strong>he wants to<\/em><\/strong>.)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover indicates that even more so than other attachments, Nice Guys connect their self-worth to the moods, behaviors, and approval of women <\/strong>(be it their partner, mother, teacher, and so on). <\/strong>This may cause a Nice Guy to focus solely on his partner\u2019s emotions and opinions (while ignoring his own), but Glover points out that, somewhat concerningly, Nice Guys place women on such a high pedestal (almost to a God-like degree) that they switch between treating ladies with either intense adoration or resentful fury.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n If you spend time on social media, you\u2019ve probably seen screencaps from dating and social media apps<\/a> that demonstrate this behavior: <\/p>\n\n\n\n One minute, a Nice Guy politely reaches out to a woman with adoring compliments. After no response, the Nice Guy changes his tune and lashes out with slurs, insults, and negative generalizations about all women.<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Nice Guys want to <\/strong>avoid disapproval<\/em><\/strong> as much as they want to gain approval.<\/strong> To stave off conflict and criticism, Glover explains that Nice Guys go out of their way to hide their true selves, including perceived flaws (like being late or sad) or everyday parts of being human (like having sexual desires). <\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover discusses a variety of (conscious and unconscious) tactics Nice Guys use to avoid their \u201cbad\u201d selves, but they can be distilled into one goal: Don\u2019t address problems\u2014fix reactions. <\/strong>According to Glover, Nice Guys have trouble accepting responsibility<\/a> for their actions. They don\u2019t admit fault or address their wrongdoings when they mess up. Instead, he says Nice Guys want to quickly fix the <\/strong>reactions<\/em><\/strong> to their mistakes rather than the problem at hand.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover takes us through some of the behaviors Nice Guys fall back on when they\u2019re \u201cfound out\u201d or forced to confront their mistakes. To demonstrate this response, let\u2019s say a Nice Guy\u2019s wife asks if he remembered to take out the trash (he didn\u2019t). Instead of owning his mistake and saying, \u201cSorry, I didn\u2019t<\/em>. I\u2019ll handle that now,\u201d the Nice Guy might\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Justify:<\/strong> \u201cI already did the laundry today, so what\u2019s the big deal?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Defend:<\/strong> \u201cI was just about to do it. You don\u2019t need to remind me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Excuse:<\/strong> \u201cI\u2019ve just been really busy and I thought we were out of trash bags.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The Nice Guy may also try to rationalize their behavior by bringing up the other person\u2019s mistakes and flaws, or by blaming the other person for the mistake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Glover, Nice Guys\u2019 \u201cunselfish<\/strong> <\/em><\/strong>nature\u201d stems not from generosity but a desire to <\/strong>appear<\/em><\/strong> unselfish.<\/strong> Consequently, Nice Guys live their lives for others by ignoring their own needs and tending to everyone else (while assuming incorrectly others will do the same). <\/p>\n\n\n\n This behavior, Glover explains, stems from a distorted self-concept in which they believe\u2014and want others to believe\u2014they\u2019re needless, low-maintenance guys (a trait they think is inherently good<\/em>). <\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover asserts that Nice Guys\u2019 \u201cgenerosity\u201d almost always comes with strings attached.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Glover, Nice Guys assume covert contracts work like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n I do something for you \u2192 You do something for me \u2192 We both walk away satisfied, pretending our needs and this transaction never existed<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A common example of a covert contract is giving a compliment<\/a> just to hear one back<\/em>. When you get a new haircut and no one notices, you might compliment a coworker\u2019s hairstyle to prompt a similar compliment. In this case, your kind words didn\u2019t come from a genuine place but <\/strong>from a personal need for external validation<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Many of the unproductive beliefs and dysfunctional dynamics we\u2019ve already discussed negatively affect a Nice Guy\u2019s ability to be intimate or take charge of his career. But Glover notes a few more behaviors standing between Nice Guys and success in these two areas: <\/p>\n\n\n\n In their quest to be needless saints that must \u201cfix\u201d everything themselves, Glover says Nice Guys are often poor receivers.<\/strong> When someone tries to attend to a Nice Guy\u2019s needs\u2014emotional, sexual, work-related, or otherwise\u2014they challenge his negative beliefs about his self-worth and cause inner tension.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover explains that to avoid these negative feelings, Nice Guys will unconsciously avoid situations where their needs are likely to be met.<\/strong> For example, they\u2019ll seek out needy people, communicate in vague ways, and self-sabotage. And because they rely on covert contracts (assuming no one wants<\/em> to meet their needs) they rarely ask<\/em> for help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Glover, Nice Guys are less likely to leave dysfunctional or toxic relationships because they dread loneliness<\/em>. Rather than leave and face themselves, they work endlessly to \u201cfix\u201d their partner. This keeps them in a state of resentment (remember the victim cycle). So when they do try to end things, Glover says it\u2019s usually in a manipulative, dishonest, or accusatory manner. <\/p>\n\n\n\n According to Glover, Nice Guys will distract from their own shame and anxiety by focusing solely on their partner\u2019s pleasure. This may sound generous, but it guarantees a one-way sexual experience in which their partner isn\u2019t able to reciprocate. Partner-focused sex also causes Nice Guys to keep doing what \u201cworks,\u201d which leads to repetitive sexual routines.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Glover explains that a Nice Guy may also engage his partner in half-hearted sex through manipulative or sneaky tactics. He thinks if he focuses hard enough on pleasing her, she won\u2019t get mad at him and will enthusiastically reciprocate. But this tactic only leads to frustrating sex. Still, to many Nice Guys, bad sex is better than no sex<\/em>.<\/strong> From, this, we can see that nice guys finish last because they settle for situations they are unhappy with and don’t make their needs clear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ultimately, the above traits combine to form someone who is not attractive to the people around them, in a romantic sense or otherwise. Glover argues that who is insecure, manipulative, artificial, and unassertive will not be happy in himself, and therefore cannot build healthy and successful relationships with other people. As such, this is why nice guys finish last, according to Glover. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Why do nice guys finish last? Are so-called nice guys actually as nice as they say they are? The phrase \u201cnice guys finish last\u201d is often used to describe the fact that women seemingly say they go for \u201cnice guys\u201d but actually go for jerks. However, Dr. Robert Glover looks at this phrase in a different way, showing that so-called \u201cNice Guys\u201d are often not-so-nice at all. Here’s another way of answering the question “why do nice guys finish last?”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":12685,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,12],"tags":[506],"class_list":["post-50140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-relationships","tag-no-more-mr-nice-guy","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nWhy Do Nice Guys Finish Last?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
1) They Depend on External Validation <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
2) They Rely on Attachments<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
3) They Rely on Women\u2019s Approval<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
4) They Conceal Their Shortcomings and Mistakes<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
5) They Are Selfishly Unselfish<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
6) They Use Covert Contracts<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
7) They Resist the Generosity of Others<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
8) They Don\u2019t Know When to Say Goodbye<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
9) They Settle for Bad Sex<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
10) These Qualities Are Unattractive<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n