{"id":50129,"date":"2021-09-23T04:37:00","date_gmt":"2021-09-23T08:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=50129"},"modified":"2021-10-04T12:07:35","modified_gmt":"2021-10-04T16:07:35","slug":"nice-guy-syndrome","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nice-guy-syndrome\/","title":{"rendered":"Do You Have Nice Guy Syndrome? Find Out Now"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is Nice Guy syndrome? What are the tell-tale signs and traits of someone who has it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to Dr. Robert Glover<\/a>, \u201cbeing nice\u201d rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys\u2019 insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Find out more about Nice Guy syndrome below. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

What Is Nice Guy Syndrome?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Before looking at Robert Glover’s in-depth explanation of Nice Guy Syndrome, we’ll first discuss the historical and intellectual context behind this phrase.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The negative connotation around \u201cnice guys\u201d existed long before NMMNG<\/em>. In fact, there\u2019s an entire Wikipedia page dedicated to the term<\/a> and the various studies, perspectives, and stereotypes it\u2019s spawned since the mid-20th century. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

For instance, you\u2019re probably familiar with the idiom \u201cNice guys finish last.<\/em>\u201d This phrase has existed since the 1940s and, although it was originally in reference to playing nice<\/em> in baseball<\/a>, it\u2019s since come to encapsulate many of the negative stereotypes associated with the success and dating lives of nice men (such as being pushovers or generally bad with women). Even Glover plays with this phrase in his online class, \u201cNice Guys Don\u2019t Finish Last, They Rot in Middle Management.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Starting in the 1990s, sociological and psychological studies began examining the general success (or failure) of men best described as \u201cnice.\u201d These studies were usually based upon women\u2019s opinions<\/em> of different types of men. For example, one 2003 study wanted to understand why some women say they want a \u201cnice guy\u201d but end up pursuing those who possess other (maybe not-nice) traits. (The study found that women looking for long-term relationships prioritized nice<\/em> men and those looking for casual hookups prioritized attractive<\/em> men<\/a>.) However, these studies mostly failed to define a \u201cNice Guy,\u201d as its meaning often depended on the subject\u2019s interpretation of the term.
<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unlike these studies, Glover approached Nice Guys from a self-reflective, distinctly male point of view.<\/strong> Rather than scrutinize women\u2019s opinions, he tapped into his psychotherapist background and turned instead to Nice Guys\u2019 opinions of themselves<\/em> and how that affects their approach to life. Today, our popular understanding of what constitutes a \u201cNice Guy\u201d (in the negative sense) aligns closely with Glover\u2019s definition.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nice Guy Syndrome in No More Mr. Nice Guy <\/em><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Overall, the main distinction between someone who has Nice Guy syndrome and someone who doesn’t is self-acceptance.<\/strong> Glover notes that an integrated man is secure in his self-image, masculinity, and sexuality, but someone with Nice Guy syndrome represses his true self<\/a> (including his masculinity and sexuality).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Glover further defines the difference between these types of men via the following traits:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nice Guy does something to <\/strong>appear<\/em><\/strong> nice \u2192 He stews in silent resentment when things don\u2019t automatically go his way \u2192 Unable to contain his anger any longer, he eventually lashes out via tantrums, passive-aggressive behavior, or even abuse<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Glover notes that because he avoids addressing the root cause of his tantrum\u2014opting to \u201cfix\u201d the reactions of others instead\u2014the cycle continues indefinitely<\/em>. As such, we can see that being a Nice Guy (by Glover’s definition) is certainly not a good thing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Traits of Someone With Nice Guy Syndrome<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Overall, repression, self-pity, and fear bring out Nice Guys\u2019 worst characteristics. <\/strong>This table includes the primary undesirable traits Glover found across many people who have Nice Guy syndrome:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Negative Quality<\/strong><\/td>Reason<\/strong><\/td><\/tr>
Deceitful<\/td>Their passive and people-pleasing behavior drives them to lie and tell others what they want to hear. <\/td><\/tr>
Manipulative<\/td>Because they think they must conceal their needs, desires, and emotions, they employ indirect tactics<\/em> to get what they want.<\/td><\/tr>
Overbearing<\/td>To avoid friction, they want you to stand back so they can micromanage and do things the \u201cright\u201d way. <\/td><\/tr>
Compulsive<\/td>Their repression may manifest as self-destructive, compulsive behaviors. These addictions can be drugs, alcohol, or sex (such as porn and masturbation).<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

According to Glover, the Nice Guy\u2019s misguided actions are driven by the following mindset:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conceal your true self<\/a> \u2192 Be who others want you to be \u2192 Have a perfect, fulfilling life<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If this plan sounds misguided, it\u2019s because it is<\/em>. Glover noticed that Nice Guys\u2014like most people\u2014ignore holes in their paradigm and continue to enforce it despite evidence suggesting its ineffectiveness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Causes Nice Guy Syndrome?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Glover argues the Nice Guy mindset originates in childhood when a boy learns\u2014explicitly or implicitly from his parents\u2014that he must be \u201cgood\u201d to be loved.<\/strong> How does this belief form? It\u2019s a vicious sequence of abandonment, shame, and self-doubt<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abandonment:<\/strong> Glover begins with the fact that a child is completely dependent on his parents. This\u2014along with the childish belief that the world revolves around him\u2014causes the boy to interpret all forms of inattention or neglect as abandonment<\/em>. Due to his helplessness, he fears abandonment. And, Glover says, due to his immature ego, he\u2019s likely to<\/strong> <\/em><\/strong>blame<\/strong> himself <\/em><\/strong>for his abandonment.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Childhood Abandonment and Insecure Attachment<\/strong>

Is childhood abandonment a crucial factor in Nice Guys’ later development of unhealthy relationships with others<\/a>? Psychological research on childhood attachment<\/a> may suggest so.

According to attachment theory<\/a> in developmental psychology<\/a>, children form a specific \u201cattachment style\u201d\u2014or behaviors as they relate to our emotional bonds\u2014largely based on parent-child interactions. The theory also asserts that we carry these attachment styles into our adult relationships<\/a>.

 In their book Attached<\/em><\/a>, Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller note this theory assumes children who were raised by responsive caregivers tend to develop a \u201csecure\u201d attachment style, while those who felt abandoned by unresponsive caregivers develop \u201cinsecure\u201d attachment styles<\/a>.

They describe two insecure styles: \u201canxious attachment\u201d\u2014defined by a constant need for reassurance from your partner\u2014and \u201cavoidant attachment\u201d\u2014defined by a desire to keep your partner at arm\u2019s length. 

Glover recognized similar behaviors among Nice Guys in relationships: many of his patients struggled to be fully intimate with their partner, either smothering them with attention or neglecting them altogether. Thus, we might assume these men were abandoned and developed attachment issues in childhood. 

However, Levine and Heller note that since its inception, attachment theory<\/a> has developed in nuance. They acknowledge that many<\/em> factors in addition to the child-parent relationship play into the development of our attachment style<\/a>.

Additionally, they assert that our attachment style is not written in stone, so Nice Guys who experienced abandonment in childhood are in no way \u201cdoomed\u201d to be insecure attachers (just as those raised with attentive parents aren\u2019t \u201csafe\u201d from becoming them either).<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Shame:<\/strong> Glover continues by noting that if a boy feels he\u2019s at fault for his abandonment, he\u2019ll eventually believe there\u2019s something wrong with him. From there, he\u2019ll try to change himself to gain his parents\u2019 attention. These self-loathing beliefs are called toxic shame<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

(Shortform note: In The Power Of Vulnerability<\/em><\/a>, <\/em>Bren\u00e9 Brown differentiates between shame and guilt. While <\/strong>guilt<\/em><\/strong> arises when we feel bad about our actions, <\/strong>shame<\/em><\/strong> comes from feeling bad about <\/strong>ourselves<\/em><\/strong>. And unlike guilt, shame is something we tie to our identity.<\/a> So when a boy experiences shame <\/em>following abandonment, he\u2019s not under the belief that his actions are bad, but that he himself is inherently bad<\/em>. Therefore, to be \u201cgood,\u201d he must repress his true, bad self.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-Doubt:<\/strong> Finally, Glover discusses what happens when a child internalizes his toxic shame:  He experiences self-doubt and adopts defense strategies to ward it off. Some children act out in an antagonistic manner for attention, but Glover says budding Nice Guys center their coping mechanisms around gaining approval.<\/strong> If a boy can only convince his parents how \u201cgood\u201d he is\u2014through deception and repression\u2014surely he\u2019ll gain their love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Can Self-Doubt Be a Good Thing?<\/strong>

Although self-doubt can be paralyzing, it can also be helpful; a topic Melody Wilding explores in her Ted Talk on using negative thoughts to your advantage. 

Wilding says that instead of approaching self-doubt as an enemy meant to be obliterated with positivity, you\u2019d be more productive to make it your ally<\/em><\/a>. To do this, she says to employ the name it and reframe it<\/em> strategy:<\/strong> When you \u201cname\u201d the doubtful stories you tell yourself (for example, \u201cI won\u2019t be able to maintain this relationship because I\u2019m not good enough\u201d), you start to notice patterns across them.

It\u2019s then easier to stop yourself from spiraling because what you\u2019re dealing with is familiar. From there, it\u2019s your job to reframe<\/em> your self-doubt: Instead of fighting it, respond to it honestly and answer its concerns.

According to Wilding, this will help you to mentally prepare for the worst if it does<\/em> happen. It also reaffirms your ability to handle that worst-case scenario.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Bringing Up Nice Guys: Examples<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Glover noticed that although each Nice Guy he worked with came from a different background, each one arrived at the same conclusion: \u201cI\u2019m not acceptable as I am.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In NMMNG<\/em>, Glover delves into a handful of his patients\u2019 childhoods. In order to pinpoint some of the environments that can ingrain the Nice Guy mindset early on, we\u2019ve extracted some of the common situations found across the anecdotes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Controlling, distant, or abusive fathers: <\/strong>Whether their fathers were demanding, not present, alcoholics, or violent, many Nice Guys lack a healthy paternal relationship and develop negative opinions of other men.<\/li>
  2. Lonely, clingy mothers: <\/strong>In this case, <\/strong>even if both parents were present, they likely weren\u2019t affectionate with each other. Emotionally starved mothers often lean heavily on their children for support, which can lead to Nice Guys developing a codependent relationship with their mothers. <\/li>
  3. Strict or overprotective parents: <\/strong>Nice Guys who grew up in rigid or sheltered environments\u2014including fundamental religious households that instill a fear of messing up or \u201csinning\u201d\u2014often took calculated action to avoid angering their parents.<\/li>
  4. Pressure to be the family anchor: <\/strong>Some Nice Guys are assigned the role of \u201cfamily problem solver\u201d and grow up believing it\u2019s their job to fix everything. In adulthood, these Nice Guys may find themselves drawn to chaotic situations they can repair.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n
    Do Narcissistic Parents Produce Nice Guys<\/em>?<\/strong>

    Although Glover doesn\u2019t explicitly mention narcissism in NMMNG<\/em>, some readers have noted how the typical Nice Guy upbringing closely resembles their experience growing up with narcissistic parents.<\/strong> For instance, narcissistic mothers are often \u201cclingy\u201d and rely on their children for emotional support<\/a>. 

    Therapist Kathy Caprino notes that     narcissistic parents\u2014with their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy\u2014often raise people-pleasing children with low self-esteem and an inability to set boundaries.<\/a> She further explains that adult children of narcissists are so used to experiencing conditional love <\/em>from their parents\u2014love that\u2019s dependent on a child meeting certain standards\u2014that they rarely recognize their concept of a healthy relationship involves repression, manipulation, and unrealistic expectations<\/a>.<\/strong> 

    As self-doubting, approval-seeking, manipulative individuals, Nice Guys appear to have reached a similar outcome as those raised by narcissistic parents. In fact,     The Awareness Centre\u2019s<\/a> resource for adult children of narcissists states the primary belief held by those raised under such circumstances is: \u201cI\u2019m not good enough.\u201d<\/a> As this way of thinking reflects the Nice Guy mindset, we could add narcissistic parents as one of the many environments that could shape Nice Guys.<\/strong> <\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

    Problems for the Nice Guy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    Now that you know what Nice Guy Syndrome is, let\u2019s explore the main problems holding him back from a life of self-acceptance, empowerment, and satisfaction. According to Glover, being a Nice Guy involves a lot of struggles and insecurities:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Nice Guys Live for Others<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Whether people-pleasing or caring for everyone but themselves, people with Nice Guy syndrome live their life for everyone but themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They seek external validation<\/a>: <\/strong>Glover says that Nice Guys use attachments<\/em>, or external signifiers, to win others\u2019 approval and become \u201cgood\u201d in their eyes. Attachments are behaviors, traits, or things you \u201cattach\u201d to your personal value (like always being the first among your friends to own the newest iPhone). Nice Guys don\u2019t value or do these things for themselves but for the sake of others<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They conceal their shortcomings and mistakes:<\/strong> To avoid disapproval, Glover explains that those with Nice Guy syndrome go out of their way to hide their true selves, including their perceived flaws. He says to avoid acknowledging their \u201cbad\u201d true selves, Nice Guys will try to fix the reactions<\/em> to their mistakes rather than accept responsibility<\/a> for their actions. When \u201cfound out,\u201d Nice Guys may become defensive, make excuses, or rationalize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They won\u2019t acknowledge their needs:<\/strong> According to Glover, Nice Guys are afraid of others knowing they have needs (so much so that they\u2019ll unconsciously avoid situations in which their needs are likely to be met). This is because their childhood abandonment issues have led them to believe that being needless and wantless is an inherently good trait<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Due to this skewed belief, Glover says Nice Guys lean on a form of manipulation called covert contracts<\/em> to meet their needs. These are unspoken, unconscious agreements that, to Nice Guys, are implied understandings, but outside parties have no knowledge of their existence. The hope is that both parties will meet each other\u2019s needs without ever acknowledging them: The Nice Guy will do something for someone, and get something back in return. A common example of a covert contract is giving a compliment<\/a> just to hear one back<\/em>. In this case, your kind words didn\u2019t come from a genuine place but <\/strong>from a personal need for external validation<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Nice Guys Deny Their Power<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Nice Guys often feel powerless because they deny their abilities and their masculinity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They act like victims in the face of adversity:<\/strong> Glover says Nice Guys often think they lack control in all aspects of life, which only feeds into their feelings of resentment, frustration, and victimization. Glover adds that although unpredictability is a fact of life<\/em>, Nice Guys have a particularly hard time embracing life\u2019s ups and downs because they (mistakenly) believe life can be straightforward and smooth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    (Shortform note: If having a smooth, easy life isn\u2019t really possible, why are we inclined to believe it is? Psychotherapist Sian Morgan-Crossley explains that this belief stems in part from our tendency to compare ourselves to others<\/a>. Under the false impression that everyone around us has it easy, we wonder why our lives aren\u2019t easy, too.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They\u2019re attached to their mothers:<\/strong> According to Glover, Nice Guys who grew up with emotionally needy mothers remain devoted to them in adulthood. This relationship is normal and healthy in boyhood, but eventually, boys must grow up and bond with men to become healthy, masculine adults, and mothers must let their sons go. If a Nice Guy doesn\u2019t have a strong parental presence, this shift may not occur. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They\u2019re detached from masculinity and other men:<\/strong> Due to their poor paternal relationships, Glover says Nice Guys grew up associating masculinity with its negative traits, such as aggression and cruelty. Not only does this lead them to suppress their own masculinity (and thus good parts of themselves), but it also makes them isolated from other men. This causes Nice Guys to miss out on the support and companionship that accompanies male community. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Nice Guys Are Unlucky in Love<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    They don\u2019t know when to say goodbye: <\/strong>According to Glover, those with Nice Guy syndrome are less likely to leave dysfunctional relationships because they dread loneliness<\/em>. They would rather stay in a familiar, toxic environment than leave and face themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They assume they know what women want: <\/strong>Glover emphasizes that women aren\u2019t attracted to \u201cjerks\u201d as many Nice Guys assume. Rather, they\u2019re attracted to fully realized, confident humans. Nice Guys try too hard to be \u201cnice,\u201d \u201cright,\u201d and \u201cgood\u201d all the time, which makes for a self-conscious and lifeless shell of a person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    They settle for bad sex: <\/strong>Glover explains that a Nice Guy may engage his partner in half-hearted (bad) sex through manipulative or sneaky tactics. He thinks if he focuses hard enough on putting her in a good mood, she will enthusiastically reciprocate no matter what. But this tactic only leads to frustrating sex. Still, to many Nice Guys, bad sex is better than no sex<\/em>. <\/strong>They continue to engage in partner-focused sexual encounters\u2014which Glover discourages, as it means they ignore their own sexual needs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    What is Nice Guy syndrome? What are the tell-tale signs and traits of someone who has it? In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice. However, according to Dr. Robert Glover, \u201cbeing nice\u201d rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys\u2019 insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. Find out more about Nice Guy syndrome below.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":44336,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,43],"tags":[506],"class_list":["post-50129","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","category-self-improvement","tag-no-more-mr-nice-guy","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nDo You Have Nice Guy Syndrome? 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