{"id":50096,"date":"2021-10-01T05:12:00","date_gmt":"2021-10-01T09:12:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=50096"},"modified":"2021-10-04T13:46:34","modified_gmt":"2021-10-04T17:46:34","slug":"no-more-mr-nice-guy-book","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/no-more-mr-nice-guy-book\/","title":{"rendered":"No More Mr. Nice Guy: Book Overview & Key Points"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Are you looking for a No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em> book overview? How can this book help you move from insecurity to confidence?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Released in 2003, No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em> is a book by marriage and family psychotherapist Dr. Robert Glover<\/a>. It promises to help you understand and conquer the frustrating\u2014and often manipulative\u2014Nice Guy mindset so that you can become what Glover calls a fully realized and self-accepting \u201cIntegrated Male.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here’s our No More Mr. Nice Guy <\/em>book overview, with everything you need to understand the book’s key lessons. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em>: Book<\/strong> Overview<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em> is a book about overcoming shame<\/a>, self-doubt<\/a>, and insecurity. Below, you’ll find our helpful No More Mr. Nice Guy<\/em> book overview, which covers all the key ideas and themes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the face of struggle, dissatisfied men use the tactic they know best: Be nice<\/em>. However, according to Glover, \u201cbeing nice\u201d rarely yields the desired outcome, and Nice Guys\u2019 insecurities frequently emerge as passive-aggressive or dishonest behavior. Their repetitive, ineffective approach to life leads to unsatisfying intimate relationships, bitterness, and disappointment.<\/strong> We\u2019ll explore the intricacies of Nice Guy behavior, and its consequences, later in this guide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Glover stresses that in their frustration with life, Nice Guys are often far from <\/strong>nice<\/em><\/strong>.<\/strong> Their indirect and avoidant nature results in an angry cycle of self-victimization: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nice Guy does something to <\/strong>appear<\/em><\/strong> nice \u2192 He stews in silent resentment when things don\u2019t go his way \u2192 Unable to contain his anger any longer, he lashes out <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Overall, this cycle of repression, self-pity, and fear brings out Nice Guys\u2019 undesirable characteristics, such as dishonesty and manipulation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Nice Guy Mindset<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

According to Glover, the Nice Guy\u2019s misguided actions are driven by the following mindset:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conceal your true self<\/a> \u2192 Be who others want you to be \u2192 Have a perfect, fulfilling life<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where does this inaccurate life approach come from? Glover says it stems from a boy learning\u2014explicitly or implicitly from his parents\u2014that he must be \u201cgood\u201d to be loved.<\/strong> This belief is the result of a vicious sequence of abandonment, shame, and self-doubt:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Abandonment:<\/strong> Glover begins with the fact that a child is completely dependent on his parents. This\u2014along with the childish belief that the world revolves around him\u2014causes the boy to interpret all forms of inattention or neglect as abandonment<\/em>, which he fears and<\/em> blames himself for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Shame:<\/strong> Glover continues by noting that if a boy feels he\u2019s at fault for his abandonment, he\u2019ll eventually believe there\u2019s something wrong with him. From there, he\u2019ll try to change himself to gain his parents\u2019 attention. These self-loathing beliefs are called toxic shame<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-Doubt:<\/strong> Finally, Glover discusses what happens when a child internalizes his toxic shame:  He experiences self-doubt and adopts defense strategies to ward it off. Glover says budding Nice Guys center their coping mechanisms around gaining approval.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Problems for the Nice Guy<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Now that you know what a Nice Guy is, let\u2019s explore the main problems holding him back from a life of self-acceptance, empowerment, and satisfaction. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nice Guys Live for Others<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Whether people-pleasing or caring for everyone but themselves, Nice Guys live their life for everyone but themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They seek external validation<\/a>: <\/strong>Glover says that Nice Guys use attachments<\/em>, or external signifiers, to win others\u2019 approval and become \u201cgood\u201d in their eyes. Attachments are behaviors, traits, or things you \u201cattach\u201d to your personal value (like always being the first among your friends to own the newest iPhone). Nice Guys don\u2019t value or do these things for themselves but for the sake of others<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They conceal their shortcomings and mistakes:<\/strong> To avoid disapproval, Glover explains that Nice Guys go out of their way to hide their true selves, including their perceived flaws. He says to avoid acknowledging their \u201cbad\u201d true selves, Nice Guys will try to fix the reactions<\/em> to their mistakes rather than accept responsibility for their actions. When \u201cfound out,\u201d Nice Guys may become defensive, make excuses, or rationalize.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They won\u2019t acknowledge their needs:<\/strong> According to Glover, Nice Guys are afraid of others knowing they have needs (so much so that they\u2019ll unconsciously avoid situations in which their needs are likely to be met). This is because their childhood abandonment issues have led them to believe that being needless and wantless is an inherently good trait<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Due to this skewed belief, Glover says Nice Guys lean on a form of manipulation called covert contracts<\/em> to meet their needs. These are unspoken, unconscious agreements that, to Nice Guys, are implied understandings, but outside parties have no knowledge of their existence. The hope is that both parties will meet each other\u2019s needs without ever acknowledging them: The Nice Guy will do something for someone, and get something back in return. A common example of a covert contract is giving a compliment<\/a> just to hear one back<\/em>. In this case, your kind words didn\u2019t come from a genuine place but <\/strong>from a personal need for external validation<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nice Guys Deny Their Power<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Nice Guys often feel powerless because they deny their abilities and their masculinity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They act like victims in the face of adversity:<\/strong> Glover says Nice Guys often think they lack control in all aspects of life, which only feeds into their feelings of resentment, frustration, and victimization. Glover adds that although unpredictability is a fact of life<\/em>, Nice Guys have a particularly hard time embracing life\u2019s ups and downs because they (mistakenly) believe life can be straightforward and smooth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019re attached to their mothers:<\/strong> According to Glover, Nice Guys who grew up with emotionally needy mothers remain devoted to them in adulthood. This relationship is normal and healthy in boyhood, but eventually, boys must grow up and bond with men to become healthy, masculine adults, and mothers must let their sons go. If a Nice Guy doesn\u2019t have a strong parental presence, this shift may not occur. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

They\u2019re detached from masculinity and other men:<\/strong> Due to their poor paternal relationships, Glover says Nice Guys grew up associating masculinity with its negative traits, such as aggression and cruelty. Not only does this lead them to suppress their own masculinity (and thus good parts of themselves), but it also makes them isolated from other men. This causes Nice Guys to miss out on the support and companionship that accompanies male community. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nice Guys Keep Themselves From a Satisfying Life<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Here are some more reasons Nice Guys fail to live the life they envision:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They don\u2019t know when to say goodbye: <\/strong>According to Glover, Nice Guys are less likely to leave dysfunctional relationships because they dread loneliness<\/em>. They would rather stay in a familiar, toxic environment than leave and face themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They assume they know what women want: <\/strong>Glover emphasizes that women aren\u2019t attracted to \u201cjerks\u201d as many Nice Guys assume. Rather, they\u2019re attracted to fully realized, confident humans. Nice Guys try too hard to be \u201cnice,\u201d \u201cright,\u201d and \u201cgood\u201d all the time, which makes for a self-conscious and lifeless shell of a person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They settle for bad sex: <\/strong>Glover explains that a Nice Guy may engage his partner in half-hearted (bad) sex through manipulative or sneaky tactics. He thinks if he focuses hard enough on putting her in a good mood, she will enthusiastically reciprocate no matter what. But this tactic only leads to frustrating sex. Still, to many Nice Guys, bad sex is better than no sex<\/em>. <\/strong>They continue to engage in partner-focused sexual encounters\u2014which Glover discourages, as it means they ignore their own sexual needs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Solutions for the Ideal Man<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We know what\u2019s holding Nice Guys back, but what can you do to live your life as a self-accepting and fulfilled Ideal Man?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Ideal Man Lives for Himself<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Here are some of Glover\u2019s strategies for reaching a point of self-acceptance and living life for yourself: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-reflect:<\/strong> Before you can accept yourself, you must look inward and recognize your approval-seeking habits. In order to ID them, ask yourself what you<\/em> want and what you<\/em> need, and which habits do and don\u2019t serve your <\/em>wishes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Express your emotions with safe people:<\/strong> Exposing your true self<\/a> can be scary, so do it with people you trust. Glover says being vulnerable<\/a> around our safe people helps us combat self-sabotaging beliefs<\/a> and serves as a reminder that we\u2019re loved, even when we slip up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take responsibility for your needs:<\/strong> According to Glover, when you prioritize yourself<\/a>, you assert new, productive beliefs about yourself, your needs, and how to meet them. Understand that everyone has needs<\/em> and prioritizing yourself<\/a> is the only mature, direct, and honest means of satisfying yours. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Ideal Man Embraces His Power<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Here are some of Glover\u2019s strategies for embracing your personal power and masculinity so you can take control of your life<\/a>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Welcome fear:<\/strong> Glover asserts the only way to overcome vicious anxiety and fear is to acknowledge it and face what currently scares you. <\/strong>You create new beliefs each time you push through fear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Set boundaries<\/a>:<\/strong> It\u2019s hard to embrace your personal power if you let others walk all over you. So, you must take responsibility for how others treat you. Glover stresses that others have no incentive<\/a> to change if you reinforce their bad behavior by giving in. Once you realize this, you\u2019ll find changing your own behavior<\/em> (by setting firm boundaries) is a simpler, more rewarding path.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Develop integrity<\/a>:<\/strong> Instead of defaulting to deceit out of fear, Glover says Nice Guys must develop integrity. According to Glover, the best way to live with integrity<\/a> is to ask yourself, \u201cWhat do I think is right?<\/em>\u201d Then do it. Honesty gives you the power to approach everything with clarity, direction, and sincerity. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bond with other men:<\/strong> Whether hanging out with friends or admiring a role model, Glover urges you to develop solid relationships with other men. Glover says Nice Guys are less likely to smother, resent, or manipulate their partners when they have others they can turn to for support. Additionally, friends and role models can provide new, healthy models of masculinity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Ideal Man Lives a Satisfying Life<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few more strategies Glover suggests you embrace to live a satisfying life as an Ideal Man:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take a new approach the next time around: <\/strong>When entering into new relationships, Glover says to shake things up. <\/strong>Instead of falling back on bad habits (like not setting boundaries) or unproductive mindsets (that your needs don\u2019t matter, for example), start from a place of integrity, self-confidence, and vulnerability from the get-go. Keep things from becoming toxic in the first place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ask for help: <\/strong>No one can do everything alone, so Glover stresses that Nice Guys learn to ask for help. <\/strong>Taking control of your life<\/a> includes utilizing the people and resources at your disposal. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Practice healthy masturbation:<\/strong> Glover says Nice Guys need to learn to have good (consensual, natural, vulnerable) sex. One way to practice the tenets of good sex is through healthy masturbation<\/em>. Like good sex, it\u2019s about doing what feels good and accepting responsibility<\/a> for your needs and pleasure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our No More Mr. Nice Guy <\/em>book overview will help you understand the key ideas from the book, so you can apply them to your own life. Check out our full summary <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Are you looking for a No More Mr. Nice Guy book overview? How can this book help you move from insecurity to confidence? Released in 2003, No More Mr. Nice Guy is a book by marriage and family psychotherapist Dr. Robert Glover. It promises to help you understand and conquer the frustrating\u2014and often manipulative\u2014Nice Guy mindset so that you can become what Glover calls a fully realized and self-accepting \u201cIntegrated Male.” Here’s our No More Mr. Nice Guy book overview, with everything you need to understand the book’s key lessons.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":44753,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,43],"tags":[506],"class_list":["post-50096","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","category-self-improvement","tag-no-more-mr-nice-guy","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nNo More Mr. Nice Guy: Book Overview & Key Points - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are you looking for a No More Mr. Nice Guy book overview? 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Growing up, she enjoyed reading fairy tales, Beatrix Potter stories, and The Wind in the Willows. As of today, her all-time favorite book is Wuthering Heights, with Jane Eyre as a close second. Elizabeth has branched out to non-fiction since graduating and particularly enjoys books relating to mindfulness, self-improvement, history, and philosophy.\",\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/x.com\/rina\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/author\/elizabeth-shaw\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO Premium plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"No More Mr. Nice Guy: Book Overview & Key Points - Shortform Books","description":"Are you looking for a No More Mr. Nice Guy book overview? 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