{"id":49462,"date":"2021-09-25T23:25:37","date_gmt":"2021-09-26T03:25:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=49462"},"modified":"2022-06-13T14:04:57","modified_gmt":"2022-06-13T18:04:57","slug":"self-forgiveness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-forgiveness\/","title":{"rendered":"The Art of Self-Forgiveness\u2014Free Yourself From Guilt"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you beat yourself up<\/a> for every mistake you make? Do you hang on to shame and guilt for years? Did you know that not forgiving yourself for your mistakes and shortcomings might actually be harming you?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-forgiveness is not an easy process because it requires you to accept that you\u2019ve done something against your values, that you\u2019re not comfortable with, or that you\u2019re not proud of. The process of self-forgiveness may take years or even a lifetime because it involves such negative and uncomfortable emotions, however, it\u2019s better to work on it than to stew in guilt, shame, and denial. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading for self-forgiveness advice from some top books. This article may be just the push you need to start improving your life and state of mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Self-Forgiveness Means Recognizing the Good in Yourself<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Recognizing the difference between doing bad things <\/em>and being a bad person<\/em>\u2014and therefore seeing the essential good in everyone\u2014is a difficult task. It requires looking past harmful behaviors to see each person\u2019s vulnerability and pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first step is to recognize the goodness in ourselves.<\/strong> This often begins with forgiving ourselves for how we feel and what we might have done wrong. Self-forgiveness breaks down the barriers of blame and resentment that we build while trying to protect ourselves from pain. Those barriers are what keep us from experiencing the goodness and love that exists in ourselves and others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, there may be times when our guilt and shame are so strong that we can\u2019t forgive ourselves. This is especially the case when we believe that we\u2019ve truly, deeply hurt somebody else. Perhaps we don\u2019t think we deserve forgiveness, or we can\u2019t see the point in it since the damage is already done. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In cases like that, instead of forgiving ourselves, we can try forgiving the shame itself.<\/strong> Rather than fighting the feeling, we can forgive it for existing and welcome it in, like the Buddha<\/a> welcoming Mara in for tea. In doing so, we will allow the feeling to pass through us and fade away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We might then find other feelings buried under the shame, such as fear or anger. We can meet those experiences in the same way: We can welcome them in, sit with them, and forgive them for existing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This practice is effective because we\u2019re giving our experiences permission to be what they are. Instead of trying to control our grief, pain, or shame, we simply allow it to exist\u2014to be as big and powerful as it needs to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Learning self-forgiveness and seeing our own goodness takes time and practice. The process starts with mindfulness<\/a><\/strong>\u2014we recognize that we\u2019re being judgmental or unkind to ourselves, and we forgive whatever we\u2019re feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Forgiving Isn\u2019t Condoning<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Many people misunderstand this practice at first. They tend to think that accepting and forgiving hurtful behaviors is about letting people (themselves or others) off the hook for the pain they caused. However, forgiving a behavior or a feeling isn\u2019t the same as condoning it\u2014self-forgiveness isn\u2019t permission to keep doing harmful things.<\/strong> It\u2019s facing past actions with understanding and compassion so that we can have a clear vision of the present and future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, there are stories of death row inmates who faced up honestly to the harm they\u2019d caused and learned to forgive themselves. By opening up to pain\u2014their own and others\u2019\u2014they awakened compassion within themselves. By doing this, they were able to both take responsibility<\/a> for the crimes they\u2019d committed and recognize their own innate goodness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Prisoners who accomplished this were visibly transformed. Guards, relatives, chaplains, and even other inmates all recognized that something had changed\u2014that even though these people were in prison awaiting execution, they\u2019d found a kind of inner freedom. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The main point<\/a> is this: Holding on to blame and guilt might temporarily stop us from causing more harm, but in the long run it only creates more pain for ourselves and others. We can\u2019t hate ourselves into being good people;<\/strong> only with self-forgiveness can we find the wisdom and compassion to correctly respond to our situations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s No Such Thing as a Perfect Parent<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Many women are struggling to keep up with the demands of parenthood, home life, and work. You may feel like you never get a moment\u2019s peace. Other people\u2019s lives look calmer and more organized\u2014this can lead to a sense of blame, shame, and guilt because you think you\u2019re failing as a parent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In truth, all parents live in a state of chaos<\/a>, no matter how things appear and the <\/em>Girl, Wash Your Face<\/em><\/a> <\/em>author, Rachel Hollis, handles it in one of three ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\r\nTITLE: Girl, Wash Your Face
\r\nAUTHOR: Rachel Hollis
\r\nTIME: 30
\r\nREADS: 34.3
\r\nIMG_URL: https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/girlwashyourface_cover.jpg
\r\nBOOK_SUMMARYURL: girl-wash-your-face-summary-rachel-hollis
\r\nAMZN_ID: B072TMB75T
\r\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Ignore the chaos<\/strong>. Keep your head down and pretend the chaos of family life isn\u2019t there, and work even harder. The problem with this method is that chaos is stressful, and stress can manifest in physical ways. Insomnia, headaches, and hives are some physical manifestations of stress.<\/li>
  2. Battle the chaos<\/strong>. We do everything in our power to maintain a picture-perfect existence, furiously cleaning and trying to keep up. The problem with battling the chaos is that we always lose. Life is crazy, stressful and overwhelming, and losing battles against everyday life can make us feel like a failure.<\/li>
  3. Drown in the chaos<\/strong>. When we\u2019re overwhelmed by housework<\/a>, work, kids, friends, and obligations, it can feel insurmountable, so we give up and wallow. The problem with drowning is that we let the chaos win and can\u2019t do the things we need to do\u2014raise our kids and pay our bills.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    All three of these coping methods\u2014ignoring, battling, drowning\u2014can lead us down the path of substance abuse, using alcohol, food or pills to deal with the stress. The problem with these three methods is that they imply that you<\/em> are in control of the mess and chaos around you, but much of this is not in our control. While we may be in control of ourselves, we can\u2019t control much of what we\u2019re dealing with\u2014the actions of others, our children\u2019s moods, problems that crop up. Thinking we can control everything is a recipe for anger, frustration and stress because we are <\/strong>not<\/em><\/strong> in control of everything.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    How Do We Learn to Accept and Embrace the Chaos?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    The answer is to forgive yourself and embrace the chaos\u2014<\/strong>see the beauty in the chaos. This requires a shift in thinking. Our current situation, however stressful, is temporary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    How do we learn<\/a> to accept and embrace the chaos?<\/p>\n\n\n\n