Is confidence encoded in our biology? Or is it a matter of environment and upbringing? Can self-confidence be built, and if so, to what extent? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Both biological and environmental factors contribute to confidence, but confidence isn\u2019t a fixed trait\u2014you have to build it. Psychologists believe that 50% of developing confidence might come from choice and will.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To this end, Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, the authors of The Confidence Code<\/em>, devised the following confidence-building techniques.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n The confidence code\u2014the building blocks of creating confidence\u2014consists of three principles:<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can increase your confidence by practicing this code in two ways:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Regularly expose yourself to these confidence builders<\/strong>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Try the following confidence-building techniques:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The first technique is to fail fast\u2014failing fast is a business strategy that involves trying lots of ideas, expecting <\/em>that most of them will fail.<\/strong> Then, you abandon the failures early (saving time and money) and only pursue the ideas that have promise. <\/p>\n\n\n\n This is useful as a confidence-building strategy because:<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, attorney Beth Wilkinson fails fast by regularly making quick decisions. When one of them doesn\u2019t turn out, she learns from it. For instance, she once wrote down her opening argument for a case and read it off a sheet of paper. She overheard a colleague criticize her for reading verbatim, and she realized he had a point\u2014she said everything right, but she didn\u2019t connect with the jury. Reading was a failure, so she stopped doing it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Taking action is the best way to build confidence<\/a>, especially when the action is risky,<\/strong> so the second technique is to act.<\/strong> If you stay inactive in your comfort zone, you won\u2019t improve or gain confidence. If you act, the worst thing that will happen is that you fail.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You don\u2019t have to take massive action\u2014it\u2019s fine to start this strategy with baby steps. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, remember that women have a skewed self-perception<\/a> of their abilities\u2014you\u2019re probably more capable than you think you are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As discussed in Chapter 3, women\u2019s brains are more active than men\u2019s, and this isn\u2019t an advantage when it comes to confidence because ruminating drains it.<\/strong> Imagining worst-case scenarios isn\u2019t problem-solving; it\u2019s paralyzing, negative feedback. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The third technique is to employ thought exercises to calm your brain:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Exercise #1:<\/strong> Whenever you find yourself ruminating, think of three things you\u2019ve done well that day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Exercise #2:<\/strong> Think about something horrible that might happen to you at work\u2014maybe you\u2019re leading a meeting and people start to look bored. Pay attention to how this makes you feel. Then, think about something going well at work\u2014maybe you\u2019ve just been offered a raise. How do these thoughts make you feel? You\u2019ll see that your envisioned scenarios affect your feelings even though they didn\u2019t actually happen<\/em>. This will prove to you how much your thoughts can affect your emotions and how much you can change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sometimes, you can see results from these exercises within weeks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are two strategies for reducing negative automatic thoughts<\/a> (NATs):<\/p>\n\n\n\n Strategy #1: Recognize and reinterpret.<\/strong> When you have NATs, first, write them down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Then, look for another (neutral or positive) way to interpret them. This reframing doesn\u2019t have to address the first one, just be different. This will make the first, negative interpretation less powerful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re having trouble reframing:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Strategy #2: Destroy a symbol of your NATs.<\/strong> Write down your NATs on a piece of paper, and then rip up the paper and throw it out. This symbolic destruction will help you question how accurate the thoughts are. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The fourth technique is to change your focus\u2014women tend to be more confident when they focus on others instead of themselves.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Therefore, you can spur yourself to act by thinking about how the action will benefit others.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Another element of focusing on others<\/a> is remembering that other people are more concerned with themselves than they are with you.<\/strong> If you make a mistake, no one remembers it for long\u2014they\u2019re too busy<\/a> with their own mistakes and problems. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In the previous technique, you focused on others, but sometimes, you <\/strong>do <\/em><\/strong>need to focus on yourself, <\/strong>and the fifth technique is to take credit for your achievements. Many women are self-deprecating, and it probably feels more comfortable than bragging. It\u2019s dangerous, though\u2014you\u2019re spreading the message that you\u2019re undeserving. This is bad for your confidence\u2014you\u2019ll be less likely to try new things. It\u2019s also bad for your workplace success\u2014your boss doesn\u2019t want to hear you\u2019re not good at something; they want to work with people who are skilled and accomplished. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You do<\/em> deserve your achievements, so take credit for them. If you have trouble taking a compliment, say thank you and tell the person you appreciate them saying it.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n Knowing your strengths can make you more confident. (Of course, this doesn\u2019t mean that you should never try to improve.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The sixth technique to avoid taking things personally\u2014when someone criticizes you at work, remember that this criticism is directed at your <\/strong>work<\/em><\/strong>, not you,<\/strong> even in performance fields where you\u2019re constantly scrutinized, such as opera singing<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are two strategies to taking things less personally:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. Say or think \u201cthank you\u201d whenever someone criticizes you.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. Recognize that women face some obstacles men don\u2019t and this makes things harder for them.<\/strong> Women aren\u2019t incompetent or less capable; their lives are harder and they don\u2019t have access to the same resources as men. (Don\u2019t let this make you give up or complain though.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n The seventh technique is to find strategies to help you become more comfortable speaking up. Many people aren\u2019t confident about public speaking, and fear of it is the top reason women don\u2019t pursue electoral politics. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Improve your confidence and speaking abilities by:<\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: For more ideas on improving your public speaking, read our guide to Talk Like TED<\/em><\/a>.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Interestingly, though a lot of advice about confidence is along the lines of changing your attitude, to access confidence, you actually need to distance yourself from your thoughts. The eighth technique is to remember your external achievements\u2014you become confident when you remember there\u2019s proof you\u2019ve been successful in the past<\/strong>, and this realization is more powerful than any self-perception.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The ninth technique is to be authentic\u2014few women hold high positions, so once you reach this stage, you\u2019re going to be different and unique, and you\u2019re going to stand out. It can be lonely and you can choose how to feel about it: Resent it or embrace it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You don\u2019t need to evaluate yourself against the same criteria the men use\u2014that wouldn\u2019t be authentic.<\/strong> You\u2019ll be challenged if you do things differently, but if you believe your way is the best option, do it anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Additionally, you get confidence from doing things in whatever way is most authentic for you,<\/strong> even if that\u2019s different from how other people do things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The last technique is to avoid a dangerous pitfall. Some people (some studies suggest women more than men) get confidence from external sources (like compliments from other people) rather than self-belief. There\u2019s nothing wrong with comparing yourself to others<\/a> and enjoying external validation<\/a>, but it\u2019s dangerous to <\/strong>rely <\/em><\/strong>on it as a source of confidence<\/strong> because:<\/p>\n\n\n\nThe Confidence Code<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Technique #1: Fail Fast<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #2: Act, Even When You\u2019re Uncertain<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #3: Think Differently With Thought Exercises<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Reduce Negative Automatic Thoughts (NATs)<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Technique #4: Change Your Focus<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #5: Take Credit<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #6: Don\u2019t Take Things Personally<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #7: Become More Comfortable Speaking Up<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #8: Remember Your External Achievements<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #9: Do Things Differently If Necessary<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Technique #10: Don\u2019t Rely on External Sources of Confidence<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n