{"id":483,"date":"2019-07-14T23:32:21","date_gmt":"2019-07-15T03:32:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=483"},"modified":"2022-04-14T18:12:25","modified_gmt":"2022-04-14T22:12:25","slug":"how-to-understand-your-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Understand Your Relationships: Evaluation Tool"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Consider your current relationships. Overall, do they make you happy? Are your relationships positive, supportive, and helpful?\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here\u2019s an exercise to help you answer these questions and evaluate your current relationships. Make a list of every relationship \u2014 include every person with whom you interact regularly \u2014\u00a0 in which you\u2019re currently involved. Add two more columns and fill it them in as follows:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Name<\/strong>: Put names in the first column: family, close friends, significant others, coworkers, bosses, teachers, for example.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Category<\/strong>: In the second column, categorize each as a primary, secondary, or peripheral relationship.<ul><li>Primary relationships are your closest relationships (closest family, closest friends). They\u2019re the main characters in your life story.<\/li><li>Secondary relationships are similar to the primary ones, except they are of less value for various reasons. They may include close friends, boss, a few coworkers, and extended family members. They\u2019re your supporting cast.<\/li><li>Peripheral: The majority of people in your life fall into this category, the periphery. They include most coworkers, neighbors, members of your community, acquaintances, distant family. They\u2019re minor characters, and occasionally extras, in your life.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li><strong>Effect<\/strong>: In the third column, indicate the effect of each relationship on your life: positive, negative, or neutral.<ul><li>Positive relationships make you happy and help you grow<\/li><li>Negative relationships make you unhappy, frustrated, or dissatisfied. They can stymie your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-grow-as-a-person\/\">personal growth<\/a>.<\/li><li>Neutral relationships fall somewhere in the middle.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Important points: <strong>Many close primary relationships can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/remaining-neutral\/\">be neutral<\/a> or negative<\/strong>. The fact that someone is close to you doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s a positive relationship. Some of your most negative relationships are in your top two tiers. As for the peripheral category, many of these relationships are neutral but some might be positive.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-understanding-your-current-relationships\"><strong>Understanding Your Current Relationships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Look at your list and consider:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>How many relationships do you have?<\/li><li>How many are there in each tier?<\/li><li>What percentage are positive, negative, neutral?<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Although your primary and secondary relationships are your most important, the <strong>people in your peripheral category (those less significant to you) probably get most of your attention<\/strong> because they\u2019re often part of your daily life.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>What do you do about this? First, you may want some of your peripheral category to play a larger role in your life (move to your primary or secondary levels). If so, think about how you could strengthen those relationships.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As for those remaining in your peripheral group, even though you may like them, you need to devote less time to them and more to your primary and secondary relationships. This might mean <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/saying-no\/\">saying no<\/a> more often to casual gatherings or commitments that you\u2019re on the fence about attending anyway.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Similarly, you may have primary or secondary relationships that you want to de-emphasize, especially if they\u2019re negative. Rethink what role these people should play in your life.&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your relationships don\u2019t stay the same throughout your life. People come and go, and their significance to you changes as both of you grow. People important to you a decade ago may be less so today.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You must actively choose your relationships<\/strong>, which requires <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/making-hard-decisions\/\">difficult decisions<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-focusing-on-the-most-important-relationships\"><strong>Focusing on the Most Important Relationships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The rest of this chapter focuses on your primary relationships (current and future). They are the people you love, the ones for whom you would do anything. These relationships typically include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Intimate relationships<\/strong>: spouse or significant other. This is your most <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/important-relationships\/\">important relationship<\/a> and should be treated that way.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Closest friends<\/strong>: your best friends, usually fewer than five people.<\/li><li><strong>Immediate family<\/strong>: parents, children, and other close family members.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>Secondary relationships are also important but should get your attention only after fulfilling your commitments to your primary relationships, which are your top priority.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\" id=\"h-changing-relationships\"><strong>Changing Relationships<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>We all change over time. The fact that someone has changed doesn\u2019t mean they don\u2019t care about you \u2014 just that they\u2019ve changed.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>People evolve, separately or together. <strong>You can\u2019t expect a person to stay the same or to change the way you want them too. <\/strong>They\u2019re not obligated to meet your standards.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/changing-yourself\/\">Changing yourself<\/a>, however, can lead to more positive relationships. <\/strong>For example, if you improve your diet and start exercising, people around you may follow suit. You can bring out the best in other people.<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That said, occasionally you may have to end a relationship if someone\u2019s beliefs and values&nbsp; change in a way that you can\u2019t tolerate (for instance, they express racial prejudices you strongly disagree with). Terminating or changing the terms of your relationships is part of managing them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sometimes relationships just don\u2019t work, or they stop working. Problematic relationships may include intimate relationships, close friendships, employee-boss relationships, and family relationships.&nbsp;<br><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>You can try repairing a valued relationship, but know that you can usually step away.<\/strong> For instance, when Joshua and his wife began having difficulties getting along with each other. They both worked to improve their relationship, including going to counseling, but in the end it didn\u2019t work and they eventually divorced. You don\u2019t have to stay in a negative relationship \u2014 in fact it\u2019s not healthy to do so.<br><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Next, consider your current relationships. Overall, do they make you happy? Are your relationships positive, supportive, and helpful?\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p><!-- wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s an exercise to help you answer these questions, and evaluate your current relationships. Make a list of every relationship \u2014 include every person with whom you interact regularly \u2014&nbsp; in which you\u2019re currently involved. Add two more columns and fill it them in as follows:<\/p>\n<p><!-- \/wp:paragraph --><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":260,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[28],"class_list":["post-483","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-minimalism","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to Understand Your Relationships: Evaluation Tool - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are your current relationships healthy?\u00a0This exercise can help you understand your relationships and take action where needed.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How to Understand Your Relationships: Evaluation Tool\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Are your current relationships healthy?\u00a0This exercise can help you understand your relationships and take action where needed.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2019-07-15T03:32:21+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2022-04-14T22:12:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/four-agreements-word.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"665\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"458\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Allen Cheng\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Allen Cheng\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Allen Cheng\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/e9c1cecc340502045489d4c4e6f4a877\"},\"headline\":\"How to Understand Your Relationships: Evaluation Tool\",\"datePublished\":\"2019-07-15T03:32:21+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2022-04-14T22:12:25+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/\"},\"wordCount\":866,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/four-agreements-word.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Minimalism\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-understand-your-relationships\/\",\"name\":\"How to Understand Your Relationships: Evaluation Tool - 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