{"id":46795,"date":"2021-08-28T20:15:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-29T00:15:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=46795"},"modified":"2021-08-30T12:56:28","modified_gmt":"2021-08-30T16:56:28","slug":"love-is-not-a-feeling","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/love-is-not-a-feeling\/","title":{"rendered":"Love Is Not a Feeling\u2014It Is an Act of Will"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>If <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/love-is-a-choice-not-a-feeling\/\">love is not a feeling<\/a>, what is it? Is &#8220;falling in love&#8221; genuine?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In <em>The Road Less Traveled<\/em>, psychiatrist M. Scott Peck argues that love is not a feeling. We have feelings that we associate with love, but they are not love itself, and they might not even be based in reality. Peck asserts that real love is an act of will\u2014a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/act-committed-action\/\">committed action<\/a> that we take even when we&#8217;re not &#8220;feeling it.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Keep reading to learn how love is not a feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Love Is Not a Feeling<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>What seems to be love can often be some other motivating force or emotion (for simplicity, let\u2019s call this force <em>nonlove<\/em>). This is because there is a misconception that \u201cfalling in love\u201d is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/genuine-love\/\">genuine love<\/a> or a manifestation of it. In fact, falling in love is simply an experience we feel intensely. There is a feeling of \u201cI love you,\u201d but it\u2019s not a feeling based in reality.&nbsp;In and of itself, love is not a feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why Isn\u2019t \u201cFalling in Love\u201d Genuine Love?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>One reason falling in love isn\u2019t genuine love is that it\u2019s linked to erotic feelings. We fall in love only when the underlying motivation is sexual in nature. Additionally, the feeling of falling in love is impermanent and chemical.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Why Is Falling Out of Love Inevitable?&nbsp;<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The love that you might perceive as a feeling occurs when you find a person or object you are attracted to and committed to beyond <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/your-ego\/\">your ego<\/a> boundaries. This process is called <em>cathexis<\/em>. To \u201ccathect\u201d someone is to become invested in them in a way that pulls you outside of yourself. Paradoxically, when you stretch outside of yourself to invest in a person (or thing), you also incorporate them into yourself. This creates a bond. Once something has been cathected, you see it as an extension of yourself.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Cathecting is not love because it can occur with any object, not just sentient beings.<\/li><li>Cathecting doesn\u2019t mean you care about the other person\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/spiritual-evolution\/\">spiritual growth<\/a>, which is a defining component of \u201ctrue\u201d love. In fact, a dynamic built on cathexis often causes one person to fear the growth of the other, because that would threaten the unstable security of the bond.&nbsp;<\/li><li>You can decathect just as quickly as you cathect, and a person who has loving feelings shouldn\u2019t always act on them. For example, if you\u2019re in a relationship, and you meet someone you feel loving feelings towards, if you value your relationship, you should not act on those feelings.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Furthermore, not being able to distinguish genuine love from nonlove is the basis for deception (of ourselves and others), because you may justify behavior that ultimately isn\u2019t loving. For example, let\u2019s say someone who is experiencing chemical love hits the object of that \u201clove\u201d out of jealousy. This is not a loving action.&nbsp;Because true love is not a feeling, it doesn&#8217;t bend to the whims of emotion.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Truth: Love Is an Act of Will<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>If love is not a feeling, what is it? <strong>Love as action occurs when you do what is best for the higher growth of others, whether or not you feel a sensation of love for them (cathexis). <\/strong>You can be loving towards people for whom you have no loving feelings. The distinction is passivity versus action. \u201cDesire\u201d on its own is passive. \u201cWill\u201d is a form of desire, but unlike pure desire, it\u2019s actionable. In other words, desire is, \u201cI <em>want<\/em> to be good to you,\u201d whereas will is, \u201cI <em>will<\/em> be good to you.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Genuine love requires committed action, and this requires discipline. We choose to commit because we understand that not committing will have a harmful effect on the growth of the relationship, but more importantly, the growth of the individuals in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, commitment is crucial in a therapy dynamic. A patient has to know the therapist is committed to being there throughout the therapeutic growth process. In this context, commitment is demonstrated by the therapists\u2019 willingness to do their job whether they feel like it or not. In the context of a romantic relationship, commitment is demonstrated by each partner\u2019s willingness to show up for the relationship even if they don\u2019t feel like it.&nbsp;Because love is not a feeling, it doesn&#8217;t blow hot and cold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When you truly love someone, you extend your limits to accommodate, receive, or support them, which expands your own growth. Furthermore, spiritual growth requires discipline, so if you don\u2019t have the discipline to accommodate your own growth, you won\u2019t be able to extend that discipline to nurturing the growth of others through love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If love is not a feeling, what is it? Is &#8220;falling in love&#8221; genuine? In The Road Less Traveled, psychiatrist M. Scott Peck argues that love is not a feeling. We have feelings that we associate with love, but they are not love itself, and they might not even be based in reality. Peck asserts that real love is an act of will\u2014a committed action that we take even when we&#8217;re not &#8220;feeling it.&#8221; Keep reading to learn how love is not a feeling.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":46801,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12,43],"tags":[470],"class_list":["post-46795","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","category-self-improvement","tag-the-road-less-traveled","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Love Is Not a Feeling\u2014It Is an Act of Will - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Love is not a feeling. 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