{"id":45364,"date":"2021-08-03T03:47:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-03T07:47:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=45364"},"modified":"2021-08-16T09:08:02","modified_gmt":"2021-08-16T13:08:02","slug":"conflict-attitude","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/","title":{"rendered":"The Role of Attitude in Conflict Resolution"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>How do you approach conflict? Are you the kind of person who resolves conflicts peacefully or drags them out?   <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Your attitude in conflictual situations plays a crucial role in the final outcomes. According to the Arbinger Institute\u2014a leading consultant in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nvc-conflict-resolution\/\">conflict resolution<\/a>, mindset change, and leadership training since 1979\u2014a person who finds themselves in constant conflict embodies what they call a &#8220;combative mindset&#8221;\u2014a conflict attitude characterized by self-focused viewpoints that lead them to worsen conflict instead of cooperating to resolve it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this article, we\u2019ll examine the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\">combative mindset<\/a>, how it makes conflict worse, and the biases that lead people to behave that way. Then, we\u2019ll explore <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-betrayal\/\">self-betrayal<\/a> and justification, the behaviors that lead to those biases.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Objectification Leads to Collusion<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When we embody the combative mindset, we see others as objects and obstacles rather than people. As a result, we constantly treat the other party as if they were less than human and are shocked and offended when they respond in kind. <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-anatomy-of-peace-by-the-arbinger-institute\/\">The Arbinger Institute<\/a> calls this mutual mistreatment-and-response cycle \u201ccollusion.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>When we collude, we jointly create a problem that\u2019s bigger than it should be<\/strong>, to share our anger and frustration in a way that hurts our \u201cenemy\u201d just like they\u2019re hurting us. We start to provoke, demean, and infuriate them, treating them in ways that encourage them to continue making us unhappy.<\/li><li>Furthermore, we intentionally avoid the other party and seek support elsewhere, making it impossible to even discuss coming to an agreement.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>In both of the above cases, we\u2019re avoiding the conflict instead of working to resolve it. Because we don\u2019t communicate clearly and openly, others assume we\u2019re fine with things as they are, or\u2014worse\u2014<a href=\"https:\/\/www.shrm.org\/resourcesandtools\/hr-topics\/employee-relations\/pages\/working-with-people-who-avoid-conflict.aspx\">that we\u2019re hostile and can\u2019t be reasoned with<\/a>. Either way, <a href=\"https:\/\/intersol.ca\/news\/things-that-make-conflict-worse\/\">the conflict can only fester and worsen, increasing in scope<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Four Biases<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>The Arbinger Institute explains that when we embody the combative mindset long-term, we develop biases that damage our ability to create relationships in which conflict is managed well. There are four biases Arbinger says are often held by those who embody a conflict attitude. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Each of these biases helps you avoid <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-do-hard-work\/\">doing the work<\/a> to solve a conflict\u2014whether that work involves communicating, self-examining, standing up for yourself, or helping others. The biases justify taking an easier way out that doesn\u2019t involve confronting the fact that you\u2019re doing something wrong: In sum, they\u2019re avoidance strategies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1. The Superiority Bias<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we\u2019re better than they are. We feel impatient, disdainful, or indifferent.<\/li><li>Example: When you make a mess and leave it for someone else to clean up, you\u2019re using a Superiority bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that it\u2019s someone else\u2019s job to clean up after you, someone less important or valuable than you think you are.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2. The Entitlement Bias<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we deserve more than they do. We <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/feeling-entitled\/\">feel entitled<\/a>, deprived, or resentful.<\/li><li>Example: When you yell at service workers for messing up your order, you\u2019re using an Entitlement bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that paying money entitles you to perfect service, and that it justifies your mistreatment of the person who you think messed up.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3. The Performative Bias<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we need to be seen in a certain way (wanting others to think we\u2019re smart, kind, cool, a good spouse or employee, and so on). We feel anxious\/stressed, needy\/fearful, or overwhelmed\/overburdened.<\/li><li>Example: When you pretend you know what someone\u2019s talking about even though you have no clue, you\u2019re using a Performative bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that it\u2019s more important that they think you\u2019re smart than it is to be honest with them.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4. The Inferiority Bias<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we\u2019re not good enough to do better. We feel helpless\/despairing, bitter\/jealous, or depressed\/lonely.<\/li><li>Example: When you refuse to interact with people you think are out of your league, you\u2019re using an Inferiority bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that you\u2019re not good enough to be around them, and that justifies not putting in the effort it\u2019d take to ensure they enjoy your company.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p>If you find the feelings, behaviors, or <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-break-negative-thought-patterns\/\">thought patterns<\/a> associated with the four biases familiar, Arbinger suggests that\u2019s a sign you may be holding those biases yourself. <strong>To improve your management of conflict, you must understand how these biases are formed, and dismantle them.<\/strong> Once you\u2019ve done that, you can move on to building healthier, more resilient relationships that are conducive to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/cooperative-conflict-resolution\/\">cooperative conflict resolution<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Self-Betrayal and Justification<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Biased thinking results from justifying our self-betrayals.<strong> <\/strong>Arbinger explains that the concept of self-betrayal relies on understanding that humans have certain innate desires. Evolutionary scientists often argue that the success of our species is largely the result of a desire to help, protect, and care for one another. According to Arbinger, <strong>when we choose to behave in a way that doesn\u2019t align with this desire, we self-betray.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Generally, Arbinger says, we make the choice to betray ourselves because we think it\u2019ll cost us less time, energy, or effort\u2014or because we think honoring our desire to do the right thing will lead to some discomfort we\u2019d rather avoid. Maybe we choose not to help when we know we could. This is the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/core-problem\/\">core issue<\/a> of the combative mindset; <strong>we lie to ourselves and refuse to see the truth of the situation.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In many ways, self-betrayal equates to going against our conscience: acting in a way that doesn&#8217;t align with what we know is right. In Stephen R. Covey\u2019s book <em>First Things First<\/em>, he emphasizes <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/first-things-first\/chapter-9\">the importance of living according to your conscience.<\/a> The more you excuse acting against your principles, the deeper you bury your integrity beneath a pile of rationalizations and justifications. <strong>In order to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-live-with-integrity\/\">live with integrity<\/a>, Covey says, you must pay attention to your conscience, as well as the way you respond to its messages.<\/strong> Your conscience will always point you toward your greatest quality of life, by recommending genuine, wholehearted actions that support your principles.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>How do you approach conflict? Are you the kind of person who resolves conflicts peacefully or drags them out? Your attitude in conflictual situations plays a crucial role in the final outcomes. According to the Arbinger Institute\u2014a leading consultant in conflict resolution, mindset change, and leadership training since 1979\u2014a person who finds themselves in constant conflict embodies what they call a &#8220;combative mindset&#8221;\u2014a conflict attitude characterized by self-focused viewpoints that lead them to worsen conflict instead of cooperating to resolve it. In this article, we\u2019ll examine the combative mindset, how it makes conflict worse, and the biases that lead people<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":45371,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9],"tags":[391],"class_list":["post-45364","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","tag-the-anatomy-of-peace","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Role of Attitude in Conflict Resolution - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"High-conflict people embody a so-called &quot;combative mindset&quot;\u2014a conflict attitude that blinds them to the fact they are part of the problem.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Role of Attitude in Conflict Resolution\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"High-conflict people embody a so-called &quot;combative mindset&quot;\u2014a conflict attitude that blinds them to the fact they are part of the problem.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-08-03T07:47:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-08-16T13:08:02+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/conflict-argument-fight-disagreement-friends-enemies.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1920\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1080\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"The Role of Attitude in Conflict Resolution\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-03T07:47:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-16T13:08:02+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/\"},\"wordCount\":1068,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/conflict-argument-fight-disagreement-friends-enemies.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Anatomy of Peace\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-attitude\/\",\"name\":\"The Role of Attitude in Conflict Resolution - 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