{"id":45352,"date":"2021-08-02T02:51:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-02T06:51:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=45352"},"modified":"2021-08-16T08:59:31","modified_gmt":"2021-08-16T12:59:31","slug":"causes-of-interpersonal-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Causes of Interpersonal Conflict: Why Do We Fight?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What do you think causes <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-resolution-methods\/\">interpersonal conflict<\/a> at a high level? What makes trivial conflicts escalate into full-blown arguments? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>We all struggle with conflicts, both on a smaller scale\u2014in our businesses and families\u2014and on a grand scale\u2014politically and intergovernmentally. Of course, the causes of interpersonal conflict are varied and wide-ranging. At a high level, however, many of them can all be boiled down to our inability to recognize and acknowledge that we are part of the problem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this article, we&#8217;ll discuss what causes conflict, according to a leading consultant in <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/nvc-conflict-resolution\/\">conflict resolution<\/a> the Arbinger Institute. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Arbinger Instituite: The Psychology of Conflict<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>According to the Arbinger Institute\u2014a leading consultant in conflict resolution, mindset change, and leadership training since 1979\u2014interpersonal conflict arises when the parties&#8217; biases prevent them from seeing a situation clearly. In their book <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-anatomy-of-peace-by-the-arbinger-institute\/\">The Anatomy of Peace<\/a><\/em>, the authors argue that most of the causes of interpersonal conflict can be attributed to four biases that prevent one from recognizing the fact that they are part of the problem. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>The Superiority Bias<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we\u2019re better than they are.<\/li><li>We feel impatient, disdainful, or indifferent.<\/li><li>Example: When you make a mess and leave it for someone else to clean up, you\u2019re using a Superiority bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that it\u2019s someone else\u2019s job to clean up after you, someone less important or valuable than you think you are.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"2\"><li><strong>The Entitlement Bias<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we deserve more than they do.<\/li><li>We <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/feeling-entitled\/\">feel entitled<\/a>, deprived, or resentful.<\/li><li>Example: When you yell at service workers for messing up your order, you\u2019re using an Entitlement bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that paying money entitles you to perfect service, and that it justifies your mistreatment of the person who you think messed up.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"3\"><li><strong>The Performative Bias<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we need to be seen in a certain way. (Wanting others to think we\u2019re smart, kind, cool, a good spouse or employee, and so on)<\/li><li>We feel anxious\/stressed, needy\/fearful, or overwhelmed\/overburdened.<\/li><li>Example: When you pretend you know what someone\u2019s talking about even though you have no clue, you\u2019re using a Performative bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that it\u2019s more important that they think you\u2019re smart than it is to be honest with them.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\" start=\"4\"><li><strong>The Inferiority Bias<\/strong><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>We justify seeing others as objects and mistreating them by telling ourselves we\u2019re not good enough to do better.<\/li><li>We feel helpless\/despairing, bitter\/jealous, or depressed\/lonely.<\/li><li>Example: When you refuse to interact with people you think are out of your league, you\u2019re using an Inferiority bias. You\u2019re telling yourself that you\u2019re not good enough to be around them, and that justifies not putting in the effort it\u2019d take to ensure they enjoy your company.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Bias Behaviors Arise From a Lack of Interpersonal Security<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Studies suggest that many of the behaviors and feelings associated with the four biases explored above <a href=\"https:\/\/cpb-us-w2.wpmucdn.com\/campuspress.yale.edu\/dist\/2\/96\/files\/2014\/11\/Clark-Von-Culin-Hirsch-2015-1sww1fo.pdf\">arise from a lack of interpersonal security<\/a>. To be secure interpersonally means you feel safe, physically and mentally, when you relate to and interact with others. This sense of safety generally arises from secure relationships with others\u2014from knowing you have someone to turn to in times of stress, and to whom you can return after <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/be-uncomfortable\/\">leaving your comfort zone<\/a>. Ideally, those relationships aren\u2019t conditional: You\u2019re confident that you\u2019ll be supported when you need it, regardless of the circumstances. When these relational needs are met, they lead to feelings of belonging and self-worth, and the belief that one\u2019s life is meaningful and controllable. We\u2019re more likely to humanize others\u2014to be attentive and forgiving of their needs and circumstances. We feel safe, so we extend that safety to others: In short, we\u2019re more likely to embody the collaborative mindset.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>On the other hand, when we\u2019re not secure interpersonally, our interactions with others are often driven by fear, defensiveness, and an inability to be open or genuine. We become neurotic, close-minded, and aggressive\u2014because we can\u2019t turn to others for help, confrontations make us feel alone and cornered. We behave in self-serving, inward-focused ways, betraying our sense of what\u2019s right because we don\u2019t trust others to collaborate with us. And we justify that behavior by dehumanizing others, by choosing to believe that our world is horrible and that we have no choice but to be this way. We end up blind and biased in a twisted world, feeling disdainful and entitled, bitter and stressed, and we lash out to defend ourselves from the threats we\u2019ve convinced ourselves we\u2019re surrounded by. Our lack of safety drives us toward a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\">combative mindset<\/a>, and as we hurt others to protect ourselves, the effects of those behaviors ripple outwards, diminishing the ability of those around us to feel interpersonally safe. We also continually damage our own relationships, maintaining a cycle of interpersonal insecurity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The power of the Arbinger method lies in escaping this cycle, which in turn helps us to eschew <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/what-is-self-justification\/\">self-justification<\/a>. As we\u2019ll discuss in the following parts, keeping in mind the humanity of others and extending them your unconditional respect is key. <strong>The <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/cooperative-conflict-resolution\/\">cooperative mindset<\/a> is the core of a secure relationship, and the more of those you build the less you\u2019ll need a bias to protect you.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What do you think causes interpersonal conflict at a high level? What makes trivial conflicts escalate into full-blown arguments? We all struggle with conflicts, both on a smaller scale\u2014in our businesses and families\u2014and on a grand scale\u2014politically and intergovernmentally. Of course, the causes of interpersonal conflict are varied and wide-ranging. At a high level, however, many of them can all be boiled down to our inability to recognize and acknowledge that we are part of the problem. In this article, we&#8217;ll discuss what causes conflict, according to a leading consultant in conflict resolution the Arbinger Institute.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":45358,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9],"tags":[391],"class_list":["post-45352","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","tag-the-anatomy-of-peace","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Causes of Interpersonal Conflict: Why Do We Fight? - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Causes of interpersonal conflict are varied and wide-ranging. 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Typically, however, conflict arises when we are blind to our part in it.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-08-02T06:51:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-08-16T12:59:31+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/conflict-argument-fight-couple.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1920\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1080\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Causes of Interpersonal Conflict: Why Do We Fight?\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-02T06:51:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-16T12:59:31+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/\"},\"wordCount\":933,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/conflict-argument-fight-couple.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Anatomy of Peace\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/\",\"name\":\"Causes of Interpersonal Conflict: Why Do We Fight? - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/causes-of-interpersonal-conflict\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/conflict-argument-fight-couple.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-02T06:51:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-16T12:59:31+00:00\",\"description\":\"Causes of interpersonal conflict are varied and wide-ranging. 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