{"id":44992,"date":"2021-08-03T15:11:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-03T19:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44992"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:52:57","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:52:57","slug":"violent-sexual-fantasies","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/","title":{"rendered":"Esther Perel: Violent Sexual Fantasies Are Normal"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Is it common to fantasize about violent sex? What do violent sexual fantasies tell us about ourselves? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Sexual fantasies are a natural, healthy part of adult sexuality. And it&#8217;s not actually uncommon to fantasize about sexual aggression. Yet, we feel like there\u2019s something wrong with us for coming up with (and enjoying) these scenarios.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here is what aggressive sexual fantasies tell us about ourselves, according to couples therapist Esther Perel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Sexual Fantasy: The Gateway to Your Inner World<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Sexual fantasies express truths about ourselves and reveal what we want, but not in the way most people think they do\u2060\u2014<strong>they\u2019re more symbolic than literal<\/strong>. Regular, non-sexual fantasies have a simple connection between fantasy and reality. If you daydream about buying a new car, you probably want a new car.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>But sexual fantasies have a more complicated connection\u2014the whole point of a sexual fantasy is that it\u2019s pretend. It\u2019s probably never going to be real, and there\u2019s a good chance you don\u2019t want it to be. <strong>Fantasies tend to be irrational (like eroticism in general) and are often very different from our values and behavior in real life.<\/strong> If most people fantasized about getting flowers from their lover, fantasies probably wouldn\u2019t have such a bad reputation. Instead, people have fantasies that are at odds with their self-image and\/or moral compass. Faithful people think about sleeping with the babysitter; feminists are dominated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Aggression and Sexual Fantasy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>According to couples therapist Esther Perel, sexual desire fundamentally thrives on obsession, aggression, objectification, and dominance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It\u2019s actually not uncommon for women to fantasize about sexual aggression. Sexually aggressive women don\u2019t fit into cultural norms, so much so that sometimes women can only express their aggression in their imaginations\u2060\u2014and even then, sometimes only vicariously. An invented man in a fantasy can be a woman\u2019s stand-in for her own aggression if she\u2019s not comfortable imagining herself being aggressive. There\u2019s obviously some tension here\u2060\u2014real sexual abuse happens, and it\u2019s horrible. But in violent sexual fantasies, the assault isn\u2019t real, and it&#8217;s usually nonviolent.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>According to Perel,<\/strong> <strong>sexual<\/strong> <strong>fantasies are a way of restraining the potentially dangerous feelings inherent in eroticism (aggression, jealousy, and so on) to a safe place.<\/strong> Fantasy takes a conflict (for example, fear of our own aggression) and gives us a solution. While we wouldn\u2019t apply the fantasy solution in real life, working through conflict in our heads can have a healing quality and help us manage <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-deal-with-difficult-emotions\/\">difficult emotions<\/a> in real life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Should You Share? <\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Sharing fantasies can be a turn on, but it can also make them less powerful as aphrodisiacs, or at worst result in devastating judgement. <strong>Perel doesn\u2019t think it\u2019s necessary to share our fantasies if we don\u2019t want to.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you do want to share, you need to be sensitive and tactful. Certain fantasies, especially those that involve violence or power imbalances, might frighten or offend your partner. Even if the fantasy isn\u2019t that intimate, sharing it can be an intimate experience.&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Is it common to fantasize about violent sex? What do violent sexual fantasies tell us about ourselves? Sexual fantasies are a natural, healthy part of adult sexuality. And it&#8217;s not actually uncommon to fantasize about sexual aggression. Yet, we feel like there\u2019s something wrong with us for coming up with (and enjoying) these scenarios.&nbsp; Here is what aggressive sexual fantasies tell us about ourselves, according to couples therapist Esther Perel.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":44994,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[451],"class_list":["post-44992","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-mating-in-captivity","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Esther Perel: Violent Sexual Fantasies Are Normal - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Fantasies are a healthy part of adult sexuality. 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Is it common to fantasize about sexual aggression?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-08-03T19:11:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-08-11T19:52:57+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/sexy-erotic-.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1920\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1080\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Esther Perel: Violent Sexual Fantasies Are Normal\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-03T19:11:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-11T19:52:57+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/\"},\"wordCount\":527,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/sexy-erotic-.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Mating in Captivity\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/\",\"name\":\"Esther Perel: Violent Sexual Fantasies Are Normal - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/violent-sexual-fantasies\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/sexy-erotic-.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-03T19:11:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-11T19:52:57+00:00\",\"description\":\"Fantasies are a healthy part of adult sexuality. 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