{"id":44788,"date":"2021-07-29T16:18:00","date_gmt":"2021-07-29T20:18:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44788"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:53:09","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:53:09","slug":"mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/","title":{"rendered":"Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: Book Overview"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What is Esther Perel&#8217;s <em>Mating in Captivity<\/em> about? What is the key message of the book?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Mating in Captivity<\/em> looks at what makes up our individual sense of desire and our desire for our partners. According to author Esther Perel, although desire and love may have some fundamental contradictions, there are ways to balance the clashes, and ways to manage extra-relationship stresses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Below is a brief overview of <em>Mating in Captivity<\/em> by Esther Perel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em>Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence<\/em><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>According to most people and sources, modern couples are having less sex even though they have more sexual freedom than any generation that\u2019s come before them. Now that it\u2019s socially acceptable to have sex outside of marriage and we can do so without the threat of pregnancy, apparently, we\u2019re not interested. It could be that we\u2019re busy, stressed, tired, or overwhelmed by parenthood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Or, <strong>it could be that modern domesticity and sexuality are an either\/or situation\u2014can we actually have both?<\/strong> Modern domesticity is associated with things like security, intimacy, and egalitarianism, while desire is concerned with things like play, aggression, jealousy, and risk. Even though domesticity and desire seem to be made up of contradictory ingredients, the author of <em>Mating in Captivity<\/em>, experienced couples therapist Esther Perel, believes<strong> it&#8217;s possible to retain desire in a committed relationship.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here is a quick summary of the key points from <em>Mating in Captivity<\/em> by Esther Perel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Individual Desire<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>First, let\u2019s look at what shapes our desire. While desire is made up of the same general ingredients for everyone, everyone\u2019s individual desire is different, as it\u2019s influenced by our upbringing and personalities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Family<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>From the moment we\u2019re born, we start learning about relationships from our families. We learn how to show affection, express ourselves, and interact with others, and we carry what we\u2019ve learned into adulthood.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The first major element we carry forward is our relationship with <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/maturity-continuum-7-habits\/\">dependence<\/a> and independence.<\/strong> We depend on our parents and we do everything we can to stay close to them, but we also need our independence. We\u2019ll experience this same tension with our partners later in life, and we\u2019ll react to it the same way we learned in our childhoods.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Example #1\u2060\u2014Unhealthy Response: When Dylan\u2019s mother died, he learned he couldn\u2019t turn to his father for emotional support\u2060\u2014he was on his own. As an adult, Dylan pursues anonymous, unemotional sex because he learned that relying on others was shameful.&nbsp;<\/li><li>Example #2\u2014Healthy Response: Makena\u2019s mother and father locked themselves in their bedroom for a couple hours every Saturday afternoon. If Makena wanted a snack on a Saturday afternoon, she had to wait or get it herself. As an adult, Makena can emotionally connect with her partner during sex, but she\u2019s also comfortable temporarily focusing on herself and her own pleasure.&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The second major element is our views about sexuality. <\/strong>If our parents were open about sex, we\u2019ll likely also be open. If our families thought sex was shameful, we\u2019ll pick up this connotation too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The last major element is how our gender tempers our expression of our sexuality. <\/strong>We\u2019re exposed to gender stereotypes and expectations from the moment we\u2019re born. When girls grow up into women, they sometimes have trouble owning their sexuality and base it on whether or not others desire them. When boys grow up into men, their desire debatably falls into two categories\u2060\u2014those who want their partner to initiate to confirm their own desirability, and those who are uncomfortable with their partner initiating because it makes them feel passive, and therefore unmanly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Fantasy<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>A fantasy is no more or no less than a mental exercise in creating desire. In spite of the negative reputation fantasies once had with the church and psychology, science now acknowledges that fantasies are a healthy part of adult sexuality. They help us figure out what we want\u2014but not in the way you think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Unlike daydreams or other fantasies, sexual fantasies are metaphorical rather than literal.<\/strong> If you\u2019re daydreaming about cake, you probably do want cake. If you fantasize about being a high-priced prostitute, you may not literally want to be a high-priced prostitute. Instead, what this fantasy might reveal about you is that you want to be desired. If people are willing to pay a lot of money to sleep with you, you know you\u2019re wanted and valued.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You can share your fantasies or you can keep them to yourself. Either way, remembering that fantasies are a non-literal expression of self can help you learn about your sexuality without shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Desire within Our Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Next, let\u2019s consider desire for our partners specifically. <strong>It\u2019s normal for desire to fade, or wax and wane, in a committed relationship.<\/strong> <strong>Balancing love and eroticism isn\u2019t something we can do perfectly all the time<\/strong>, and a committed relationship gives us time to practice and play.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>When we\u2019ve decided it\u2019s time to bring back desire, there are two ways to approach this: quantitatively and qualitatively. American culture tends to be big on the quantitative approach, which includes measuring the frequency and duration of sex, and medical intervention such as Viagra if necessary. However, the can-do attitude and emphasis on hard work that works well in other arenas don\u2019t necessarily lend themselves to the subjectiveness of desire.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Mating in Captivity<\/em> <strong>defines eroticism, or desire, as sex with imagination<\/strong>, and looks at the qualitative aspects of desire rather than stats. Imagination is made up of intangibles such as creativity, playfulness, and curiosity. In a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sexual-context\/\">sexual context<\/a>, these intangibles tangle with longing and transform. The ingredients for desire become intangibles such as mystery, uncertainty, and aggression.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>There are two types of tensions that make it hard to maintain desire in committed relationships: inherent tensions between the values of domesticity and desire, and external tensions between a couple and the rest of the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Tension #1: Inherent Forces<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The values of long term relationships\u2014commitment, intimacy, and egalitarianism\u2014are at odds with some of the fundamental ingredients for desire\u2014risk, distance, and power imbalances. <strong>The balance often lies in looking at your partner in a new context.&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The author discusses three specific sets of conflicting values:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Commitment vs. excitement&nbsp;<\/li><li>Intimacy vs. mystery&nbsp;<\/li><li>Egalitarianism vs. power imbalances<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Commitment vs. Excitement<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Commitment, and the security it brings, is a wonderful thing in a long-term relationship. You don\u2019t have to worry about if your partner loves you or if your relationship might crash and burn at any moment. However, security has a deadening effect on desire. Fear of losing your partner was part of what made the relationship exciting.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To balance commitment and desire, <strong>change your perception of your partner.<\/strong> They might be committed to you, but they\u2019re their own person, and you don\u2019t own them. Look at them in a different context to your partnership. For example, the next time you\u2019re at an event with your partner, imagine how everyone else in the room sees them\u2060\u2014as someone unknown to be curious about\u2060\u2014and try to see them that way too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Intimacy vs. Mystery<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Knowing someone well is comfortable, and intimacy is a fundamental human need. <strong>However, desire requires distance because when two people are so fused they\u2019re one, there\u2019s no mystery, and no person separate from yourself for you to fall in love with. <\/strong>Many people would be unwilling to give up the closeness of a stable, long-term relationship for the distance required by desire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>To balance <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sex-and-intimacy\/\">intimacy and desire<\/a>, <strong>create either psychological or physical distance.<\/strong> Like balancing commitment and desire, you can try to change your perception of your partner. You might think you know everything about them, but it\u2019s impossible to fully understand another individual, and simply acknowledging this can increase your psychological distance and increase desire. More literally, you can spend less time in close proximity to your partner, whether that\u2019s leaving them alone when you\u2019re home together, or one of you moving out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Egalitarianism vs. Power Imbalances<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Modern committed relationships value egalitarianism, partnership, and democracy, but desire fundamentally thrives on the conflicting intangibles of risk, aggression, and power imbalances. <strong>However, unlike commitment and intimacy, you don\u2019t have to balance egalitarianism with desire\u2060\u2014in the compartmentalized space of the bedroom, as long as things are consensual, one partner can take control of the other to increase desire.<\/strong> Egalitarianism may feel like a value inherent to love, but it\u2019s actually more cultural. Latin Americans and Europeans don\u2019t insist on egalitarianism in the bedroom the same way that Americans do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The author recommends abandoning egalitarian <em>only <\/em>in the consensual, compartmentalized, erotic space. Maintain egalitarianism in other aspects of the relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Tension #2: Outside Forces<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Mating in Captivity<\/em> discusses four forces outside a relationship that can have a detrimental effect on desire: defaulting to talk as the main <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/intimacy-language\/\">language of intimacy<\/a>, mixed cultural messages, parenthood, and infidelity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Talk Intimacy<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>In modern times, talking has become the default language for intimacy.<\/strong> This is due to the female influence on modern relationships. As women became more economically independent, they wanted more from their relationships than being financially provided for\u2014they wanted emotional connection too. And because women are socialized to be good at verbal communication, they build (and expect men to build) intimacy by talking.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Men, however, have been socialized to take a more physical approach when expressing themselves. They\u2019re often more comfortable developing intimacy through <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/power-of-nonverbal-communication\/\">non-verbal communication<\/a>, for example, through touch or sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If you communicate verbally and your partner non-verbally, or vice versa, first, acknowledge that there\u2019s more than one way to create intimacy. Then, try learning to speak each other\u2019s languages in a non-sexual context first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Mixed Cultural Messages<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>American culture sends out mixed messages about sex. The media encourages us to have it however and whenever we want, especially outside of relationships. Puritan legacy suggests that it\u2019s only acceptable within heterosexual marriage, and it\u2019s only for making babies\u2060\u2014if you\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/have-more-fun\/\">having fun<\/a>, you\u2019re doing it wrong and it\u2019s shameful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>To navigate all these mixed messages, remember that sex can be whatever you and your partner want it to be.<\/strong> Shame is a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/social-constructionist-theory\/\">cultural construct<\/a>, not an inherent quality of sex. Being open and validating each other can help reduce shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Parenting<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p>Having a baby changes everything about a couples\u2019 life. Time, imagination, and energy that they could previously spend on each other must now be shared with a child. Additionally, there are cultural messages about parenthood that affect desire, such as that mothers are sacred and selfless, and it\u2019s inappropriate to lust after something so pure. For example, after Leo\u2019s wife Carla gave birth, he could no longer see her as a lover or wife, only as a mother. He thought it was weird to suck the same breasts his children did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Rekindling desire as parents involves making time to be together, letting go of the responsibility and selflessness you direct at your children, and not letting cultural messages constrain you. <\/strong>For example, Carla charged Leo $100 for a blow job. That\u2019s not something a mother would typically do, so it helped him de-role her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Infidelity<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Every relationship has a \u201cthird,\u201d a term the author uses to describe the potential for infidelity.<\/strong> The third can be an actual person, a fantasy, or an aspect of the life you would have had if you hadn\u2019t chosen to be with your partner. There is a third in every relationship, because fidelity wouldn\u2019t mean anything if it was the only option.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>You and your partner can approach the third in three ways: as a threat to be ignored, a possibility to acknowledge, or an act to do.<strong>&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Ignoring the third doesn\u2019t usually turn out well\u2060\u2014it can result in stifling boredom that encourages one person to look outside the relationship for excitement.<\/strong> (Affairs tend to be exciting because they\u2019re heavy on the ingredients of desire, such as risk and jealousy.)&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Acknowledging the third has a lot of leeway. You and your partner can simply acknowledge that it exists, or you can play with it, for example, by allowing each other to flirt with others but go no further.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Finally, acting on the third means opening up the relationship to nonmonogamy. Fidelity becomes emotional rather than physical. Open relationships can create desire for the original couple as well as the third\u2060\u2014when your partner goes after someone else, they\u2019re individual and mysterious, and there\u2019s distance between you and them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Regardless of how you and your partner choose to handle the third, it\u2019s important to cultivate distance, mystery, and risk in your relationship to maintain desire.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What is Esther Perel&#8217;s Mating in Captivity about? What is the key message of the book? Mating in Captivity looks at what makes up our individual sense of desire and our desire for our partners. According to author Esther Perel, although desire and love may have some fundamental contradictions, there are ways to balance the clashes, and ways to manage extra-relationship stresses. Below is a brief overview of Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":44800,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[40,9,12],"tags":[451],"class_list":["post-44788","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-books","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-mating-in-captivity","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: Book Overview - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"&quot;Making in Captivity&quot; by Esther Perel offers a new, bold take on sexuality and intimacy in committed relationships. Here is a brief overview.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: Book Overview\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"&quot;Making in Captivity&quot; by Esther Perel offers a new, bold take on sexuality and intimacy in committed relationships. Here is a brief overview.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-07-29T20:18:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-08-11T19:53:09+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/couple-love-relationship-romance.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1920\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1080\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"10 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: Book Overview\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-07-29T20:18:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-11T19:53:09+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/\"},\"wordCount\":2156,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/couple-love-relationship-romance.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Mating in Captivity\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Books\",\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/\",\"name\":\"Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: Book Overview - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/mating-in-captivity-by-esther-perel\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/couple-love-relationship-romance.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-07-29T20:18:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-11T19:53:09+00:00\",\"description\":\"\\\"Making in Captivity\\\" by Esther Perel offers a new, bold take on sexuality and intimacy in committed relationships. 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