{"id":44783,"date":"2021-08-04T07:56:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-04T11:56:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44783"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:52:55","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:52:55","slug":"sexual-infidelity","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sexual-infidelity\/","title":{"rendered":"Sexual Infidelity: Why Do People Cheat?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Why do people cheat in relationships? Do you think a relationship can still work after one of the partners cheated on the other? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

People are unfaithful for many disparate reasons, ranging from revenge to healing. However, according to couples therapist Esther Perel, unfaithfulness doesn\u2019t necessarily mean that a relationship has deeper problems. Lots of cheaters are happy with their relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this article, we\u2019ll explore why people in monogamous relationships<\/a> cheat, and how to handle the possibility of sexual infidelity that exists in every relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Esther Perel on Infidelity<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

All relationships have the possibility for sexual infidelity and Perel calls this possibility the \u201cthird.\u201d<\/strong> The third is a manifestation of desire for someone, real or imaginary, outside of the relationship. They can be an ex or a fantasy. The third is intrinsic to all relationships, because fidelity wouldn\u2019t be meaningful if it was the only option.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fidelity is so entrenched a lot of people don\u2019t even want to talk about it\u2060\u2014the act of bringing it up suggests it\u2019s open for negotiation. If it\u2019s breached, the whole relationship can blow up, not only the erotic aspect. <\/strong>However, ignoring the third can be just as detrimental.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Allure of an Affair<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

By nature, affairs have many of the qualities that generate eroticism\u2060\u2014risk, danger, jealousy, and so on. Only two people know about the affair, so their bond is strengthened by the secret. Additionally, secrecy frees you from many of the pressures of your regular relationship, such as meeting friends and family, or everyday chores. Having an affair also requires work\u2060\u2014you have to maintain the secrecy\u2060\u2014and by doing this work, you\u2019re proving that the other person is worth it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It would be difficult to create this same sort of energy in a relationship, particularly one with a family, because it\u2019s very volatile. In fact, if an affair turns into a relationship, the relationship often ends. Everything that made the affair exciting\u2014possessiveness, jealousy, and risk\u2014no longer exists.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nonmonogamy<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Even therapists, who often challenge common beliefs, tend to agree with the general population about monogamy. Nonmonogamy, even when consensual, is never viewed as a viable possibility, only as a lack of commitment<\/a> or fear. There are many common fears associated with nonmonogamy: How can your partner love you but sleep with someone else? What if they fall for them? Once they\u2019ve crossed one line, why not cross all of them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Peerel believes nonmonogamy can work\u2060\u2014she\u2019s seen couples let in the third and maintain relationships that are just as committed as more traditional arrangements.<\/strong> Sometimes, people open relationships to strengthen them (distance and mystery are ingredients for desire, and a threat to a relationship can kickstart desire). In these relationships, fidelity is about commitment, and the relationship boundaries are emotional rather than physical. The arrangement is often very clear, with strict rules that can be renegotiated if necessary.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even open relationships aren\u2019t immune to betrayal, though. Since fidelity in open relationships is about trust, even though the rules are different, they\u2019re still breakable.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps the general population\u2019s views on nonmonogamy will change. Many things that used to be taboo, such as premarital sex and homosexuality, are now accepted. Open relationships might make the shift from side-eyed to normal too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Handle the Third<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As established above, the third is ever-present in all relationships. The author thinks we should look at monogamy not as the default but as one option. Ignoring the third entirely usually creates problems, so she suggests acknowledging the third (to whatever degree you and your partner are comfortable with), rather than pretending it doesn\u2019t exist. There are three possibilities for how to deal with it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n