{"id":44782,"date":"2021-08-08T11:23:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-08T15:23:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44782"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:52:46","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:52:46","slug":"sex-after-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sex-after-children\/","title":{"rendered":"Sex After Children: Rekindling Sexual Intimacy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Does having a baby kill your sex life? Why do you think that is? More importantly, how can we prevent parenthood from impinging on sexual intimacy<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For many couples, once they have a child, almost everything about their lives changes: their relationships with themselves and the people they know, their bodies, roles, and amount of resources (finances, time, energy, and so on). Many of these changes affect the erotic life as well, usually in a suppressive way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this article, we’ll discuss why parenthood often kills sexual intimacy and ways to rekindle your desire to have sex after children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Why Does Parenthood Sometimes Kill Sex?<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

There are many reasons why parenthood can have such a strong effect on our erotic lives: it creates a renewed need for security and expectations of full-on parenting, and it can desexualize the mother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Renewed Need for Security<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Once we have children, we increasingly value security and routine. This is partly for the kids, so they have a secure base<\/a> and therefore the confidence to explore the world. This is also partly for us\u2060\u2014parenthood is inherently uncontrollable, so we look for things we can <\/em>control. We take serious jobs and plan for college funds<\/a> and don\u2019t go out partying. Even if we hate every chore on our to-do lists, ticking off all the items gives us a sense of achievement and control. Children are chaotic, and you can\u2019t tame them, but you can make sure the vacuuming gets done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Family life does best in this secure, predictable environment, but as discussed in Chapter 1, erotic life does best among unpredictability and risk.<\/strong> Once we\u2019re parents, we have far less tolerance for unwieldy emotion, and eroticism doesn\u2019t do well in a controlled environment. Controlled environments are boring. Sometimes, boredom can even morph into repulsion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Expectations of Full-On Parenting<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

There has always been a bond between parents and their children\u2060\u2014from an evolutionary point of view, parents are the best chance a child has for survival. However, the expectations around this bond have changed. In previous generations, children were free labor. Now, they give us meaning instead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Parents are expected to prioritize their children\u2019s happiness over their own.<\/strong> This can mean that resources parents might normally put towards eroticism\u2014time, imagination, and so on\u2014are entirely used up by their kids.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The individualism of American culture makes full-on parenting even harder. We don\u2019t have the same community we used to, such as close extended family we can ask to babysit. Additionally, services such as daycare and medicine are expensive, and individualism makes some people consider the inability to afford daycare as a personal failing rather than a broken system. This adds an emotional burden to an already existing financial one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Desexualization of Mothers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Everyone benefited when sexuality separated from reproduction. Having sex no longer comes with such a risk of unplanned pregnancy. However, the benefits are different and unequal for men and women.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A man with a baby is sexy.<\/strong> He demonstrates nurturing and stability.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A woman with a baby is sacred, moral, and selfless.<\/strong> The women\u2019s movement hasn\u2019t reached motherhood yet, and desexualization of the mother is very common in patriarchal cultures. This could be for several reasons:<\/p>\n\n\n\n