{"id":44780,"date":"2021-07-30T14:54:00","date_gmt":"2021-07-30T18:54:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44780"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:53:06","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:53:06","slug":"intimacy-language","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/intimacy-language\/","title":{"rendered":"The 2 Intimacy Languages: Verbal and Nonverbal"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What exactly is intimacy? What’s your preferred way of expressing intimacy\u2014verbal or nonverbal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In modern times, our concept of intimacy has become more precise\u2060\u2014we consider it to be achieved mainly through verbal communication. But talking isn’t the only intimacy language, intimacy can also be fostered through nonverbal communication<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading to learn about the two languages of intimacy, how and why they sometimes clash, and what can be done about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Two Languages of Intimacy<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Modern relationships demand self-disclosure, sharing our feelings, and being good listeners (non-judgemental, validating, and so on). We want to feel known and expect our partners to share as much as we do. However, talking isn\u2019t the only (or even best) way to develop intimacy. There are two methods of communicating intimacy, verbal and physical<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Verbal Communication: Women\u2019s Arena<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Women’s intimacy language tends to be verbal communication because, throughout history, they haven\u2019t had access to power. Instead, they became experts at building relationships. Even today, girls are taught to develop relational skills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The emphasis on talking as the primary method of developing intimacy started up at the same time that women began to grow their economic independence<\/a>. As women became less financially reliant on their husbands, they began to expect more from marriage. Women wanted an emotional connection in a relationship, and because they were so comfortable with verbal communication, they used it to develop intimacy.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Physical Communication: Men\u2019s Arena<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

However, men haven\u2019t been socialized the same way as women. Men are taught to compete and perform, and to be in control, fearless, and invulnerable. For men, expressing feelings<\/a> is sometimes not only not in the curriculum, but actively discouraged.<\/strong> Trying to create intimacy only through talking can leave men trying to cram a language they don\u2019t speak.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some of the restrictions on men\u2019s socializing have led them to self-express and communicate with their bodies. Most people are aware of the stereotypical aggressive male sexuality, but not everyone considers that sexuality can also tap into tenderness. Sex is a way of connecting without words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Friction Between Communication Styles<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

People who value verbal communication have trouble understanding that there\u2019s any other way to express intimacy. This leads to the talker trying to get the non-talker to switch languages. However, nonverbal communication can be just as important as verbal<\/strong>, and the talker could work on a second language too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, Eddie was dumped by many women because he didn\u2019t talk to them. They thought he had a fear of commitment and was reluctant to be open about himself. He ended up marrying a Japanese woman who spoke little English (he spoke no Japanese). The two literally couldn\u2019t talk, so they communicated their love in other ways<\/strong>, such as showing each other art, washing each other, and cooking for each other. They communicated, just not by talking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Downsides of Talk-Only Intimacy<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

There are four downsides of engaging only in talk intimacy:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One: Women\u2019s sexual repression.<\/strong> Men might have more trouble talking than women, but focusing on talk has negative consequences for women too\u2060\u2014repressed sexuality. If women talk only with their voices, not their bodies, they\u2019re cutting out an entire language. Single-mode communication also gives weight to the idea that women have to love someone to be allowed to sexually desire them (historically, men could like sex but women who did were immoral). Women are still trying to figure out how to be everything they want to be today, and focusing only on speech, rather than all forms of expression, only makes this harder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two: Tension.<\/strong> There\u2019s a spectrum of communication: pure physical communication on one side, and pure verbal communication on the other. Some people hate communicating physically\u2060\u2014their body is confining. They feel self-conscious and awkward, and for them, words are much safer. Other people feel freest and least inhibited in expressing themselves through their bodies. When two people on opposite ends of the spectrum are together, there\u2019s often tension, because for the speech-preferring person, sex creates anxiety, and for the nonverbal-preferring person, sex is a balm for their anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Three: Control.<\/strong> Talking, and having no secrets, doesn\u2019t necessarily lead to intimacy. In fact, it can lead to things like coercion, intrusion, and control. The person who\u2019s less inclined to communicate verbally might feel forced to share because their partner is sharing and they need to reciprocate. Additionally, pushing for details about where your partner goes and who they meet can turn into surveillance and erode personal boundaries. And ironically, knowing every detail of your partner\u2019s life doesn\u2019t necessarily even create intimacy. What time your partner left work probably doesn\u2019t give you much insight into their personality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Four: Loss of distance. <\/strong>The better you get to know your partner through talking, the less distance there is between you. Remember Chapter 4: Intimacy vs. Desire\u2014desire requires distance to flourish. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How to Translate<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When two people on opposite ends of the communication spectrum are together, there can be tension. There are a few possibilities to working through it:<\/p>\n\n\n\n