{"id":44772,"date":"2021-08-07T11:11:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-07T15:11:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44772"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:52:48","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:52:48","slug":"committed-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"Committed Sex: It Doesn&#8217;t Have to Be Boring"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Are commitment and desire mutually exclusive? Do you think it&#8217;s possible to maintain sexual desire in a lifelong relationship? <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Many couples therapists think that it\u2019s normal for desire to fade and that lust is immature or based on fear of commitment. But according to psychotherapist Esther Perel, you can have both commitment and desire in the same relationship, they just may not always take place at the same time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Here is what Esther Perel has to say about committed sex. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Are Commitment and Desire Mutually Exclusive?<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Commitment is based on predictability, certainty, and security, while desire thrives on mystery, uncertainty, and risk. <\/strong>Commitment and desire seem to be polar opposites, and according to most people, passion fades over time in long-term relationships which is why committed sex life isn&#8217;t as fun and exciting as it is at the beginning of a relationship. Even biochemistry agrees\u2060\u2014the romance hormones (PEA, dopamine, and norepinephrine) don\u2019t last more than a few years, while oxytocin, the hormone released by cuddling, lasts far longer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Most people think you have to choose between commitment and desire, and different <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/three-types-of-people\/\">types of people<\/a> choose one or the other:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Romantics prioritize passion.<\/strong> They\u2019re always searching for a person they\u2019ll permanently desire. When desire inevitably fades, they decide they\u2019ve fallen out of love and end the relationship. They value intensity over stability.<\/li><li><strong>Realists prioritize love<\/strong> (respect, companionship, and so on) over good sex. They feel that passion\u2019s dangerous and a bad foundation for marriage. When desire fades, you put up with it. They value security over passion.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Stamping out Fear<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When you first meet someone, you feel excited, intoxicated, high\u2060\u2014and scared. As you become more attached to them, you start to fear losing them, so you try to make your relationship more secure. For example, you turn a previously spontaneous activity into a habit. <strong>However, the scared feeling was what made you excited, and as you banish it, the excitement is banished too.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Fear of loss isn\u2019t only fear of losing love. Historically, marriage and passion were separate. People used to find love outside of the relationship, and they used to find security, order, meaning, community, and belonging in traditional institutions like religion and extended family. In modern times, however, individualism is a core value of American society, and while it comes with freedom, it also comes with loneliness. <strong>These days, we expect our partners to not only love us and sleep with us, but also to provide everything traditional structures used to, including saving us from existential vulnerability. <\/strong>If the relationship were to end, we\u2019ve lost not only love, but also a large part of our world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>As a result, many people are least experimental and adventurous with their partners because we don\u2019t want to lose them. People might be willing to do anything outside their relationships, but at home, they\u2019re almost puritanical. Anything \u201cnaughty\u201d can feel risky or inappropriate for a committed relationship.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>How to Balance Security and Commitment<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>Having established just how much some of us rely on our partners, you might be thinking desire\u2019s doomed, because we can\u2019t give up even a little of that critical security. However, rekindling desire can be more about perception. You acknowledge that the other person is the <em>other<\/em> person\u2014a separate individual from you. It\u2019s scary to do this because it makes your connection with them feel weaker. However, they have always been and always will be a separate person from you, so there\u2019s not a lot of literal risk. Fear is a driver of desire, but so are curiosity and mystery\u2060\u2014if you can find a way to look at your partner in a new light, in which they\u2019re no longer a person you know, there\u2019s space for desire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, Adele and Allan have been married for seven years. Adele wants to keep the security they have\u2060\u2014she never has to worry about whether or not Allan likes her, or if he\u2019s sleeping around while he\u2019s away on business trips. However, she also wants a relationship that includes desire. She started to figure out how to have both when, <strong>one day, she looked at Allan as a man instead of as her husband. She managed to forget everything she knew about him (annoying, messy, and so on) and saw him from the point of view of someone else.<\/strong> And she thought he was as attractive as she had when they\u2019d first met.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Security Is a Myth<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Though we\u2019re reluctant to give up security, it\u2019s not something we actually have a lot of control over, no matter how established the relationship.<\/strong> Even if you\u2019re willing to trade every whiff of eroticism for security, it\u2019s impossible to guarantee. Relationships can fall prey to rejection, conflict, and separation, and even if you manage to bypass all of that, there\u2019s always death.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Ironically, when you strive to create certainty, you also create boredom\u2060\u2014and boredom can create instability. A boring sex life is more of a reason to leave a relationship than to stay in one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>The myth of security also relies on the idea that we know our partners completely, which we don\u2019t.<\/strong> It\u2019s impossible to know another person completely; the closest we can get is to simplify them so they fit into a mold we understand. This involves ignoring certain parts of them. This also involves ignoring certain <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/parts-of-the-self\/\">parts of yourself<\/a>, to make yourself into the sort of person who can believe your partner fits a mold. So while you might choose to neutralize your partner\u2019s complexity in your mind, it still exists. And either of you can break out of your molds at any time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, Rose and Charles have been married for almost four decades and have been confining themselves into molds almost the whole time. Charles has always wanted more from his sex life, but both he and Rose expected him to put that aside. For Rose\u2019s part, she squelched her vulnerability. However, when Charles experienced several major life events\u2060\u2014his mother and a friend died, and he had a health scare\u2060\u2014he wanted to stop suppressing himself. <strong>Charles broke out of his mold, prompting Rose to break out as well, and the relationship\u2019s security evaporated. As a result, their desire for each other came back and they began making love again after years of celibacy with each other.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Are commitment and desire mutually exclusive? Do you think it&#8217;s possible to maintain sexual desire in a lifelong relationship? Many couples therapists think that it\u2019s normal for desire to fade and that lust is immature or based on fear of commitment. But according to psychotherapist Esther Perel, you can have both commitment and desire in the same relationship, they just may not always take place at the same time. Here is what Esther Perel has to say about committed sex.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":44797,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[451],"class_list":["post-44772","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-mating-in-captivity","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Committed Sex: It Doesn&#039;t Have to Be Boring - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Are commitment and desire mutually exclusive? According to therapist Esther Perel, they don&#039;t have to be. 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Committed sex can be just as fun.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-08-07T15:11:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-08-11T19:52:48+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/s3.amazonaws.com\/wordpress.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/sex-couple-relationship-romance.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1920\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"1080\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Committed Sex: It Doesn&#8217;t Have to Be Boring\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-07T15:11:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-11T19:52:48+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/\"},\"wordCount\":1095,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/sex-couple-relationship-romance.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"Mating in Captivity\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/\",\"name\":\"Committed Sex: It Doesn't Have to Be Boring - Shortform Books\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/committed-sex\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/sex-couple-relationship-romance.jpg\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-08-07T15:11:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-11T19:52:48+00:00\",\"description\":\"Are commitment and desire mutually exclusive? 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