{"id":44771,"date":"2021-08-01T04:50:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-01T08:50:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44771"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:53:02","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:53:02","slug":"sexual-imagination","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sexual-imagination\/","title":{"rendered":"The Psychology Behind Your Sexual Imagination"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What do sexual fantasies tell us about ourselves? What do they symbolize? And why do we keep them to ourselves?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our sexual imagination is a gateway to our sexuality\u2014erotic fantasies reveal a lot about our inner sexual worlds. According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, sexual fantasies are unlike regular fantasies in the sense that they are symbolic, not literal. Further, sexual fantasies are often in contradiction with our self-image which is why people tend to keep them to themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Keep reading learn about the psychology behind sexual fantasy and what your sexual thoughts reveal about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Eroticism and Sexual Imagination<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Sexual fantasies are imaginings that create desire and excitement. Historically, Christianity viewed sexual fantasy as a sin, and psychology viewed it as a perversion. Today, though, psychologists consider sexual imagination a natural, healthy part of adult sexuality. <\/strong>Eroticism thrives on imagination and creative freedom. Fantasy fits naturally into eroticism, whether the fantasy is unique to the individual or shared by the couple.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When most people think of fantasies, they tend to think of cowboys, kilts, or threesomes. However, fantasies aren\u2019t always scripted, articulate, or wildly different from real life\u2014they\u2019re simply fictions that create desire.<\/strong> Women tend to have more trouble owning their sexual thoughts, so they may think they don\u2019t fantasize even if they do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example #1: Lucas spent his adolescence pretending to be straight, going so far as to sleep with a cheerleader because he thought it would be suspicious if he turned her down. Once he grew up, he moved away and came out. He knows that many gay guys fantasize about turning straight men, so he does still pretend to be straight sometimes, so other gay men will desire him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example #2: Claudia imagines how her husband Jim might approach her in a way that\u2019s totally different from how he comes onto her normally. Instead of going straight for her breast, he touches her arm first, and then asks if he can touch her breast. Even though it\u2019s perfectly possible that Jim could approach Claudia this way in real life, it\u2019s still a fantasy, because he doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Should You Share?<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

People often keep quiet about their fantasies. Reluctance to share fantasies can be because of embarrassment, shame, or fear of judgement. Because so few people talk about their fantasies, there\u2019s no benchmark for what\u2019s normal. People don\u2019t know if everyone else is thinking the same things they are.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sharing fantasies can be a turn on, but it can also make them less powerful as aphrodisiacs, or at worst result in devastating judgement. Perel doesn\u2019t think it\u2019s necessary to share our fantasies if we don\u2019t want to.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you do want to share, you need to be sensitive and tactful. Certain fantasies, especially those that involve violence or power imbalances, might frighten or offend your partner. Even if the fantasy isn\u2019t that intimate, sharing it can be an intimate experience. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You also need a healthy sense of separateness to enter someone else\u2019s fantasy. You might not find their fantasy sexy or you might not like it, but however you feel about it, your reaction will have an impact on your partner. Eroticism doesn\u2019t thrive in a critical and judgmental environment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Common Fantasies<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

There are many common fantasies and we\u2019ll talk about two below: unemotional sex and aggressive sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unemotional Sex<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

Fantasies sometimes involve stock characters with no emotional complexity. Consider heterosexual pornography, which is mostly created by and for men. Pornographic fantasies are usually about unemotional sex. This can be a way of separating real relationships from aggressive urges that might be a detriment to them.<\/strong> Fantasy unemotional sex can also be a barrier against male insecurity. Female characters are invulnerable and always responsive and wanting sex. Men in porn are never inadequate, because they always fully satisfy the woman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aggressive Sex<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s not uncommon for women to fantasize about sexual aggression<\/a>. Sexually aggressive women don\u2019t fit into cultural norms, so much so that sometimes women can only express their aggression in their imaginations\u2060\u2014and even then, sometimes only vicariously. <\/strong>An invented man in a fantasy can be a woman\u2019s stand-in for her own aggression if she\u2019s not comfortable imagining herself being aggressive. There\u2019s obviously some tension here\u2060\u2014real sexual abuse happens, and it\u2019s horrible. But in fantasies including sexual aggression, the assault isn\u2019t real, and it’s usually nonviolent. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Extended Example: Joni\u2019s Cowboy Fantasy<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In real life, Joni\u2019s with Ray. She knows she\u2019s not getting what she wants from Ray, but she doesn\u2019t know exactly what she does want. In her latest fantasy, her husband (who isn\u2019t Ray) dresses her for dinner with a group of cowboys. After eating, her husband asks her to undress, and she does, and then he challenges the cowboys to bring her to sexual ecstasy. Joni worries this means that she\u2019s a masochist because she follows her husband\u2019s orders and lets the cowboys do whatever they want. That\u2019s a literal interpretation though, and sexual fantasies are more symbolic. In Joni\u2019s fantasy, she\u2019s actually the one who has control, as she\u2019s the one scripting the scene. <\/strong>The fantasy is more about attention and vulnerability than pain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Joni is a recovering alcoholic and has trouble with dependency. In real life, she denies a need for support and doesn\u2019t ask for help, even though privately, she\u2019d really like both. Her cowboy fantasy gives her both\u2014she\u2019s at the mercy of others but she\u2019s not actually powerless.<\/strong> Importantly, the qualities she doesn\u2019t like about herself are why she\u2019s liked in her fantasy. In her fantasy, she\u2019s passive. The cowboys\u2019 \u201cpower\u201d over her is in fact caring about her. The cowboys don\u2019t need any care themselves, so Joni doesn\u2019t have to worry about the social pressure to be a caretaker herself.
Once Joni realized what her fantasies were actually about, her relationship with Ray changed. Ray had always thought all women wanted a gentle approach and was confused whenever he asked what Joni wanted and she was annoyed by the question. Joni started asking for things and invited him to be more assertive. Joni found that owning her desire to be ~passive was a form of agency. This worked for Ray too\u2014he didn\u2019t have to guess anymore or stress about whether he was doing things right. Joni didn\u2019t ever tell Ray the details of her fantasies, but figuring out what they meant allowed her to talk to Ray about what she wanted.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What do sexual fantasies tell us about ourselves? What do they symbolize? And why do we keep them to ourselves? Our sexual imagination is a gateway to our sexuality\u2014erotic fantasies reveal a lot about our inner sexual worlds. According to psychotherapist Esther Perel, sexual fantasies are unlike regular fantasies in the sense that they are symbolic, not literal. Further, sexual fantasies are often in contradiction with our self-image which is why people tend to keep them to themselves. Keep reading learn about the psychology behind sexual fantasy and what your sexual thoughts reveal about you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":44793,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[451],"class_list":["post-44771","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-mating-in-captivity","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Psychology Behind Your Sexual Imagination - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Our sexual imagination is a gateway to our sexuality\u2014erotic fantasies reveal a lot about our inner sexual words. 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