{"id":44770,"date":"2021-07-28T10:44:00","date_gmt":"2021-07-28T14:44:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=44770"},"modified":"2021-08-11T15:53:11","modified_gmt":"2021-08-11T19:53:11","slug":"sexuality-development","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/sexuality-development\/","title":{"rendered":"The Role of Childhood in Our Sexual Development"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

When does sexuality start to develop? How does childhood influence our sexual relationships in adulthood?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Human sexuality begins to develop very early in childhood, way earlier than we start expressing interest in sex. Our childhood experiences influence our adult relationships in three primary ways: how we\u2019ve learned to balance dependence<\/a> and independence, how we view sexuality, and how gender norms affect our sexuality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In this article, we’ll discuss the role of early childhood experiences in sexuality development.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Childhood and Sexuality<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

What we experience in childhood we carry forward into our adult relationships, and some of what we learned we may not even be aware of. The body as well as the mind stores memories, both good and bad, and they play a significant role in our development of sexuality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example #1: Steven\u2019s father left his mother. Steven admires and respects his mother and doesn\u2019t want to be anything like his father. He married Rita and six years later finds it hard to have sex with her. Because of his relationship with his mom (love and respect), he learned that emotional security requires caution and selflessness. Caution and selflessness are the opposite of desire-driving emotions such as passion and longing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example #2: Dylan\u2019s mother died when he was twelve and when he started to cry at her funeral, his father told him not to be weak. Dylan learned that feelings were shameful, and that he should never show or even feel them. This manifests in his relationships\u2060\u2014he picks up strangers at clubs, because there are no feelings in anonymous sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dependence vs. Independence<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

As children, we\u2019re constantly dealing with the dichotomy of dependence and independence from our parents.<\/strong> We\u2019ll do anything not to lose the parent-child bond<\/a>, including a wide range of behaviors such as taking blame and minimizing our needs. However, we also want and need independence. We learn balance based on how our parents react to our attempts to connect with them or test our autonomy, and whether we interpret those reactions as suffocating, intrusive, permissive, or detached.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Dependence and independence are a dichotomy in adulthood too, with our partners. To have sex, we have to be able to enter another\u2019s universe or body. However, we also have to be so aware of ourselves\u2014so selfish\u2014that the other disappears. The ability to temporarily \u201cleave\u201d someone comes from childhood experiences\u2060. If we\u2019ve learned that the connection we have with someone doesn\u2019t break the moment we stop monitoring it, we can believe that after we\u2019ve finished focusing on ourselves, the other person will still be there when we come back.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s possible to balance dependence and independence emotionally but fail to do so physically. Sex is quite literally two becoming one, and losing the sense of self can be so off-putting that people can\u2019t handle it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Views on Sexuality<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

In addition to teaching us about relationships and the balance between dependence and independence, our parents can much more directly shape our sexuality. If our parents treat sex as something dirty or shameful, we associate those feelings with sex too. If they teach us we must be a certain way in a relationship, we hold onto this.<\/strong> Additionally, what hurts us as children can often be what excites as most in our adult sexuality (desire is irrational). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example #1: Lena grew up in a conservative, devout household that held women to traditional values<\/a>. Lena became a giver, and she puts the needs of her partner above her own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Example #2: Melinda\u2019s father was a philanderer, which made her mother miserable. Melinda grew up to be a seductress and for her, desire is related to establishing power over men. Seducing unavailable men is a gender-swapped version of what Melinda\u2019s father did to her mother. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gender Generalizations<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re introduced to gender stereotypes early in life, from the colors of our clothes to how we\u2019re taught to socialize. By the time we reach adulthood, it\u2019s possible to make a few generalizations about how each gender approaches sex.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Women commonly make their sexual identity about how their partner feels about and desires them. Women sometimes have trouble owning their sexuality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Male desire has two extremes (debatably):<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  • Those who want their partner seek them out sexually to confirm that they\u2019re desirable.<\/li>
  • Those who don\u2019t like it when their partner initiates because they think their passivity isn\u2019t masculine enough.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n

    Extended Example: James and Stella<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    When James was a child, his mother relied on him rather than her husband for support, and James always found it hard to balance pleasing his mother and living his own independent life. This childhood relationship influenced his adult relationship with his wife, Stella. Though Stella and James\u2019s mother are very different\u2060\u2014Stella dislikes James\u2019s attempts to be responsible for her and doesn\u2019t like to be smothered\u2060\u2014James still experiences the same tension between dependence and independence that he experienced with his mother.<\/strong> James feels he can’t have independence, which is selfish, without hurting someone. In his relationship with Stella, this translates to him being so concerned about maintaining his erection that Stella feels like he\u2019s not even focusing on her, even though she\u2019s the whole reason he\u2019s trying. James finds sex so stressful he avoids it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Stella has been in charge of their sex life throughout the whole relationship, which she doesn\u2019t like, but she does because she feels like if she doesn\u2019t take charge, he won\u2019t. When Stella hits menopause and her sex drive decreases, she discovers she\u2019s right\u2060\u2014now that she\u2019s not initiating things, they\u2019re not happening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    James is only able to experience anxiety-free sex alone. He\u2019s not being selfish if he\u2019s not with someone. The author suggests he experiment with masturbating next to Stella, which might allow him to be self-centered and realize that it doesn\u2019t hurt her. This might also help differentiate James\u2019s relationship with Stella from the one with his mother, because he never would have masturbated next to his mother.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Stella and James experiment, but they have a more important experience on their own. Stella is upset and James\u2019s impulse is to hold her. James isn\u2019t sure this is what she wants, but he pushes himself to hold her, even when she doesn\u2019t respond right away. For the first time, James didn\u2019t take his cue from Stella, and taking control allowed him to lose control.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    When does sexuality start to develop? How does childhood influence our sexual relationships in adulthood? Human sexuality begins to develop very early in childhood, way earlier than we start expressing interest in sex. Our childhood experiences influence our adult relationships in three primary ways: how we\u2019ve learned to balance dependence and independence, how we view sexuality, and how gender norms affect our sexuality. In this article, we’ll discuss the role of early childhood experiences in sexuality development.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":29801,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,12],"tags":[451],"class_list":["post-44770","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-mating-in-captivity","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Role of Childhood in Our Sexual Development - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Sexual development begins very early in childhood. 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