Are you sensitive to feedback? What do you think is behind your reaction? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
According to communication experts Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen, how we think about and interpret feedback has a lot to do with the stories we tell ourselves. If the feedback challenges their story, people tend to become defensive or reject the insight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In this article, we’ll discuss why some people find it difficult to receive feedback, and how to interpret feedback more objectively. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
Innate wiring has a significant influence on how a person reacts to feedback. MRIs and other imaging technologies reveal different brain responses when different people react to stresses. People who bounce back quickly often have more neurological pathways in their emotional-regulation areas. People who hang onto their positive feelings have stronger releases of dopamine, the brain chemical of pleasure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, we do not operate completely at the whims of our brain chemistry. How we think about and interpret feedback can have an equally strong influence on our reactions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The stories we tell ourselves about feedback are how we interpret what it means: what it says about who we are, how others think about us, and what\u2019s going to happen to us because of it. Our negative emotions can distort and exaggerate these stories: how we remember the past, think about the present, and imagine the future<\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n To counter these distortions you need to understand the triggers that produce the emotions behind them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTriggers\u201d are instinctive and usually negative knee-jerk emotional responses that cause us to dismiss feedback or get angry at it. Triggers make it hard to properly filter feedback, causing us to discard feedback that could help us, or conversely, incorporate feedback<\/a> that is best ignored. <\/strong>Triggers fall into three general categories:<\/p>\n\n\n\n When our truth trigger is activated, we object to the content<\/em> of the feedback, labeling<\/a> it wrong, unhelpful, or unfair. <\/p>\n\n\n\n To counter this instinct, you must fully examine the two elements of feedback\u2014where the feedback is coming from and where it\u2019s going\u2014and identify unhelpful and vague labels that prevent you from properly comprehending it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Feedback has two elements: an element that looks back (\u201cHere\u2019s what I noticed\u201d) and an element that looks forward (\u201cHere\u2019s what you should do\u201d). When the receiver of feedback does not properly understand exactly what experiences, values, and biases are producing the feedback, or what its explicit goal is, she tends to dismiss it as \u201cuntrue.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first part of feedback, the looking-back piece, is made up of a combination of data and interpretation of that data.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Feedback begins with data\u2014observations that a person makes about you. Observations can be about anything, including your actions, statements, clothing, work habits<\/a>, or even rumors about you. Though \u201cdata\u201d sounds objective, observations are quite subjective. Different people pay attention to different data they come across because of variables in access, priorities, and biases.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Problems arise when two people approach feedback with two different sets of data<\/a>. For example, a marketing team might object to the amount of push-back their legal counsel gives their marketing materials. The marketing team is looking at data from other companies, watching as their competitors put out messages faster and with less legal oversight. Their counsel, though, has access to different data. She sees litigation reports that show how costly it can be when a company gets caught up in legal problems its counsel could have anticipated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Interpretations are the emotions, judgments, and values that people attach to their observations. Interpretations are also subjective, influenced by different rules, points of view, and (again) biases.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Conflicts happen not only when each party follows a different set of rules, values, and assumptions, but also when each believes hers are more correct than the other persons’. To find common ground, we must recognize that different people have different \u201ctruths\u201d: Your views on another person are subjective and your data and interpretations are not necessarily more correct than other peoples\u2019. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The second major element of feedback is the forward-looking piece. If the feedback is coaching, the forward-looking element is about advice (\u201cYou need less salt in this dish\u201d). If the feedback is evaluation, the forward-looking piece is about consequences and expectations (\u201cYou aren\u2019t allowed to cook for my parents again\u201d).<\/p>\n\n\n\n You can\u2019t properly understand feedback without understanding the labels through which it is typically delivered. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The process of moving from observation to interpretation happens fairly instantaneously and unconsciously; it\u2019s how our brains work. Therefore, we are often unaware that it has happened. When we throw out an interpretation while thinking it\u2019s an observation, we create a \u201clabel.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n Labels are shorthand for feedback. They are usually pithy phrases that sum up a person\u2019s thoughts but are vague and open to interpretation (and misinterpretation). For example, \u201cBe more assertive\u201d is a label that can be interpreted in different ways. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Because labels are vague, we often supply our own interpretation to them, which can lead to problems if it doesn\u2019t match what the person was actually trying to say. We may hear \u201cbe more assertive\u201d and think it means \u201chound the customer better for a sale,\u201d when in fact it means \u201cact more energetic and engaging.\u201d \u201cBe more affectionate\u201d might mean \u201chold hands in public,\u201d but it could also mean \u201cinitiate sex more often.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Labels are triggering because we read into them meanings that catch us emotionally. To prevent such a trigger, make a habit<\/a> of identifying labels and resisting the urge to supply your own meaning. Instead of fixating on the label, try to figure out what\u2019s behind it, and where the feedback is coming from. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Now that you\u2019ve got a clearer idea of what\u2019s behind a piece of feedback you\u2019ve received\u2014where it\u2019s coming from, where it\u2019s going, and how it\u2019s being labeled\u2014you are part of the way towards controlling your truth triggers. Next, you must uncover your own blind spots so that you are aware of how your unconscious biases might be affecting the feedback you receive and your reactions to it. Then you must evaluate the feedback you\u2019ve received by looking for differences instead of wrongs, and finally, looking for what\u2019s right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A \u201cblind spot\u201d is something we ignore or attribute little importance to, even though it seems obvious or feels important to other people. When we receive feedback that is related to something in one of our blind spots, we tend to dismiss it as untrue and wrong because it feels out of alignment with how we see ourselves<\/a>. We need to be aware of these blind spots in order to control these truth triggers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n People have a few common blind spots that can cause them to misunderstand feedback:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Our emotional reaction to a situation usually seems much more intense to the person on the receiving end than it seems to us. When you feel your sister has done something inconsiderate, you may approach her with anger. In your view, your anger is a by-product, and somewhat beside the point. You\u2019re paying attention<\/a> to the inconsiderate act she did. In her view, though, your anger is central to your interaction. She can\u2019t address the issue you\u2019re raising without first addressing your anger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When our emotional reactions become an issue in and of themselves, it becomes harder to manage the original issue. <\/p>\n\n\n\n A person often engages patterns of behavior that she herself is unaware of but others around her see clearly, revealing priorities and values she herself might not even be aware of. Much of the gap in perception here is due to point-of-view differences.<\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, when you are in a relationship, you are too close to the emotions to see it clearly. Your friends, though, can clearly see that you have followed the same pattern of deep infatuation ending in emotional withdrawal that you\u2019ve followed in your last three relationships.<\/p>\n\n\n\n You need to accept that you could have missed these kinds of behavioral repetitions before you can be open to the feedback.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When we run into difficulty, we tend to attribute it to the circumstances around us, while other people tend to attribute it to our character. When you\u2019re late to a meeting, you\u2019ll say it\u2019s because you were caught up unavoidably in another project (circumstance). Your manager might say it\u2019s because you\u2019re disorganized (character).<\/p>\n\n\n\n Acknowledge the gap between how others perceive your difficulties and how you yourself explain them. Once you\u2019re aware of it you can respond to this kind of feedback more thoughtfully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n We judge ourselves by our intentions, but others judge us by how our actions impact them, as they can\u2019t see inside our minds to know our intent. When you question a colleague, you might only be looking for clarity on a project detail (your intent), but she may feel you are micromanaging her (your impact).<\/p>\n\n\n\n You are likely to dismiss feedback in this blind spot when it doesn\u2019t align with how you see your intentions.<\/p>\n\n\n\nThree Triggers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Feedback Has Two Elements<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Where the Feedback Is Coming From<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Data<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Interpretations<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Where the Feedback Is Going<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
The Dangers of Labels<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Controlling Your Truth Trigger<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Blind Spots<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Blind Spot #1: Emotional Distortion<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Blind Spot #2: Behavioral Patterns<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Blind Spot #3: Character Versus Circumstance <\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Blind Spot #4: Intent Versus Impact <\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Blind Spot #5: Your Tells <\/h5>\n\n\n\n