Do you want to raise indistractible children in a world full of distractions? What are Nir Eyal’s four steps to reduce distraction in children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In his book Indistractable, <\/em>Nir Eyal gives parenting advice<\/a> on how to reduce distractions<\/a> in children. The four steps are: reducing internal triggers, building a schedule, teaching them about external triggers<\/a>, and improving their self-control.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Continue reading to learn how to raise indistractable children.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n Many people blame advancing technology for their children\u2019s distraction, emotional dysregulation, behavioral issues, and so on. Technology has been a popular scapegoat for hundreds <\/em>of years\u2014everything from the printing press to the radio has been publicly condemned for \u201cruining\u201d children\u2019s minds and attention spans. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The reason we keep recycling this tired story is that technology allows us to pin the blame of misunderstanding our children on something out of our control, instead of taking responsibility<\/a>. <\/strong> This mindset is a huge disservice to our children, who need help managing today\u2019s distractions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s no <\/em>difference between the type of distraction you experience and the distraction your child experiences. Like you, they need to learn how to have a healthy relationship<\/a> with technology\u2014but unlike<\/em> you, they won\u2019t understand the problem and find solutions on their own. It\u2019s up to you to explain what it means to be indistractable and help them develop indistractable systems that work for them. Help your children by coaching them through the four parts of the indistractable model: <\/strong>understanding internal triggers<\/em><\/strong>, <\/strong>schedule-building<\/em><\/strong>, <\/strong>reducing external triggers<\/em><\/strong>, and <\/strong>creating precommitments. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The first part of reducing distraction in children is figuring out what their internal triggers are and how to reduce them. Like adults, children are usually driven to distraction by internal discomfort<\/em>. Often, their discomfort will be related to one of the three human psychological needs:<\/p>\n\n\n\n When you or your children are lacking in any of these three needs, you\u2019ll feel restlessness, anxiety, hopelessness, or depression\u2014all feelings that can trigger distraction and unhealthy habits such as too much gaming, too much time on social media, and so on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n By ensuring that your children have opportunities to gain autonomy, competence, and relatedness, you can help them better balance their online and real-world lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Many parents feel that they need to plan out their children\u2019s days and enforce strict rules around technology to prevent distraction\u2014however, you should be loosening<\/em> your control and granting your children more opportunities for autonomy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Studies have found that children may actually lose the ability to control their attention<\/em> when they\u2019re constantly managed by adults. If you look at American schools you\u2019ll notice that students are managed at every moment of the day\u2014their homework needs to be done a certain way, everything has a due date, their movement is dictated by bells, they\u2019re punished with detention, and so on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Many children struggle with distraction in school and when doing schoolwork because they don\u2019t have enough autonomy to feel motivated or interested. They escape to places where they can <\/em>feel a sense of autonomy, such as in the creativity of social media or the world-building of video games. The problem isn\u2019t technology. The problem is the alternative to technology\u2014an environment devoid of autonomy <\/strong>that we adults have created<\/em><\/strong>. <\/strong>Ironically, many parents respond to their children spending too much time online by imposing more<\/em> rules. This further restricts the child\u2019s autonomy, exacerbating the problem. Instead, discuss your child\u2019s leisure time and use of technology in a way that supports their autonomy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead of dictating exactly how and when your child can use technology, help them set boundaries<\/a> in a way that gives them options. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For teenagers who are a little better at setting boundaries, discuss the harmful effects of too much screen time so that they can make their own informed decisions about their device use. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The second way<\/a> you can reduce your child\u2019s internal discomfort is by ensuring that they have adequate opportunities to feel competent<\/em>. This is your responsibility as a parent, because many children don\u2019t develop feelings of competence in school.<\/strong> Feeling competent and experiencing growth in the classroom is harder than ever, especially with the rise of standardized testing. This affects many types of children:<\/p>\n\n\n\n In these environments, only children who develop quickly and in the \u201cright\u201d ways can feel competent. Students who don\u2019t <\/em>meet the standard, despite their work, are soon convinced that competence isn\u2019t possible for them, and they lose motivation and interest in school. They escape to apps, games, and websites where they do feel a sense of growth and accomplishment. This is why moving up between levels, getting likes, and gaining followers can be so addictive\u2014it feels like a form of achievement. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You likely can\u2019t change the testing system in your child\u2019s school, but you <\/strong>can<\/em><\/strong> help your child find activities that allow them to feel a sense of achievement and progress. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n (Shortform note: Read our summary of The Power of Moments<\/em><\/a> <\/em>to learn different ways to show your children progress they\u2019ve made and developed their feelings of competence.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n Lastly, make sure that you\u2019re allowing your children to balance their online interactions with unstructured, face-to-face time with their peers. Children\u2019s ability to join in \u201cspontaneous play\u201d is seriously restricted these days. <\/strong>You\u2019ll hardly ever see a group of children playing outside together or roaming the neighborhood to see what fun there is to be had. This is largely due to anxious parenting\u2014children are kept close to home so they don\u2019t get hurt or into trouble. As a result, many children and teens spend a lot of their free time at home, connecting with others<\/a> virtually through games or the Internet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n In interacting with people online, children can easily pick and choose whom they wish to communicate with or which communities they want to be part of\u2014meaning they aren\u2019t<\/em> learning the essential skill of getting along with different types of people<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n On the other hand, online communities can be very positive, especially for children who feel isolated at school or other areas of their lives. They can talk through their issues with people in these communities, and as many communities are based on common interests, they can find people with whom they identify. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While some time interacting online is positive, encourage your children to have face-to-face playtime with their peers. <\/strong>This might look like meeting up to walk around the mall, having classmates over for an afternoon of playing in the yard, or encouraging your child to join in pickup games of basketball after school. These real-life environments counterbalance time online and teach children how to interact with others<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The second part of coaching your child in indistractability is helping them understand their responsibilities and how to balance them. Explain traction and distraction<\/a> to your child, and teach them to regularly check in and ask themselves: \u201cDoes this behavior make me feel good? Do I feel like I\u2019m doing the right thing?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then, help them build a schedule that will help them gain traction\u2014like you, having a clear idea of how to spend their time makes them less likely to make impulsive, distracted decisions. <\/strong>Don\u2019t forget the importance of allowing your children autonomy\u2014you\u2019re helping<\/em> with the schedule, not imposing it. Walk them through scheduling the three responsibilities of their lives:<\/p>\n\n\n\n Discussing the core responsibility of self-care to children is vitally important because it demonstrates why their needs\u2014exercise, health, hygiene\u2014should be their highest priority. This will help them maintain their physical and mental health throughout their lives. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Let them determine how much time to allow for family and friends\u2014it\u2019s possible you won\u2019t like<\/em> their answers, but it\u2019s crucial that you respect their decisions. This can look like: <\/p>\n\n\n\n While time spent in school is non-negotiable, you might encounter arguments when it comes to scheduling household responsibilities or homework. Don\u2019t force them to schedule these activities. Instead, take a two-part approach:<\/p>\n\n\n\n The third part of raising an indistractable child is teaching them about external triggers and helping them understand healthy technology use. Children are especially prone to external triggers because they don\u2019t understand exactly why<\/em> these triggers work or how to set boundaries around their attention. Teach your child to manage external triggers by slowly increasing their exposure. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Just as you wouldn\u2019t throw your child into the deep end of a pool to teach her to swim, you shouldn\u2019t throw her into technology without teaching her to control her use. You might start with a phone that only has basic texting and calling functions. This introduces technology as a tool, not a box of visually exciting triggers. Eventually, try moving your child up to a slightly more advanced phone, such as a smartphone with parental controls. <\/p>\n\n\n\n As your children grow older and more accustomed to technology, pay attention to how they use their devices and the steps they take to diminish distraction. Some factors to consider include:<\/p>\n\n\n\n If your child can\u2019t seem to control herself, remind her of different ways to reduce triggers, and explain that she can\u2019t move up to a more advanced phone until she learns control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Approach all technology with this type of slow, supervised introduction. <\/strong>Instead of allowing your children to have laptops or televisions in their rooms, keep devices in common areas. Here, you can keep an eye on their use and step in to explain how to diminish triggers as necessary. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Be mindful of your actions, and remember that you<\/em> may be the external trigger<\/a> distracting your child. Respect your child\u2019s schedule. <\/strong>If they\u2019ve timeboxed homework, don\u2019t interrupt them for any non-emergency reason\u2014such as bringing laundry into their room or asking them to see who\u2019s at the door\u2014and don\u2019t allow anyone else in the family to interrupt them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n While it may seem silly or extreme to avoid all interruptions, recall that you\u2019re not just teaching your child to have a schedule. You\u2019re teaching them to be indistractable, to do what they said they would do when they planned to do it. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The final part of coaching your children in indistractability is helping them learn the vital skill of self-control<\/em> with precommitments. From an early age, explain to your children that apps and games are made by people who want to take up all of their attention, for their own profit. This helps children understand that it\u2019s up to them to make smart decisions<\/a> about their time\u2014they can\u2019t rely on app makers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Then, help your child set limits on their screen time. Your child must determine <\/strong>her own limits<\/em><\/strong>.<\/strong> When a parent imposes limits, they diminish the child\u2019s sense of autonomy, which may lead to more distraction. Furthermore, the child learns that they can do whatever they want as long as their parents aren\u2019t there enforcing the rules. On the other hand, when a child sets their own limits, they learn how to self-regulate\u2014they\u2019ll stick to limits, even when their parents aren\u2019t there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There are three steps to helping your child set a technology time limit. <\/p>\n\n\n\nTeach Indistractability to Your Children<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Step 1: Understand and Reduce Internal Triggers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Create More Opportunities for Autonomy<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Shortform Example: Support Age-Appropriate Autonomy <\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Create More Opportunities for Competence<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Shortform Example: Create Feelings of Competence<\/h5>\n\n\n\n
Create More Opportunities for Relatedness<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Step 2: <\/strong>Schedule-Building<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Responsibility 1: Themselves<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Responsibility 2: Their Relationships<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Responsibility 3: School and Chores <\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Step 3:<\/strong> External Triggers<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Remember That People Are External Triggers<\/strong><\/h4>\n\n\n\n
Step 4:<\/strong> Precommitments<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n