{"id":40705,"date":"2021-06-26T14:40:56","date_gmt":"2021-06-26T18:40:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=40705"},"modified":"2021-06-30T14:58:13","modified_gmt":"2021-06-30T18:58:13","slug":"how-to-avoid-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-avoid-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"The 9 Best Tips for How to Avoid Conflict"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Do you want to know how to avoid conflict<\/a>? How can you improve the way you express yourself in conversations? What does body language<\/a> have to do with preventing conflict? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In The Chimp Paradox,<\/em> Steve Peters offers advice about how to avoid conflict and improve relationships<\/a>. He advises that you should manage your own emotional reactions, making sure that you don\u2019t escalate the situation into conflict. Rather than acting emotionally, you should step back and assess the conversation rationally. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to find out how to avoid conflict and improve your communication skills<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

How to Avoid Conflict: The Chimp Model<\/strong> Explained<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Before we discuss how to avoid conflict, it\u2019s important to introduce Steve Peters\u2019 chimp model. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to Peters, each of us houses a primitive Chimp inside our brains that is driven by emotions and prompts us to react to the world impetuously and irresponsibly. If you\u2019ve ever struggled to stay in control of your urges, succumbed to temptation, or sabotaged your own success, your Chimp has probably taken the reins for a bit. Fortunately, our brains also have an inner Human who, when functioning properly, keeps our inner Chimp under control and allows us to interact with the world in a stable, positive, productive way.<\/strong> In The Chimp Paradox<\/em>, psychiatrist Steve Peters outlines a mind management program that can help you manage your inner Chimp<\/a> and lead you to happiness, success, and balance.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Having effective communication skills<\/a> means figuring out how to manage our inner Chimp and interact with other people in effective, constructive ways (even if those other people are being difficult). If you want to find out how to avoid conflict, follow the following easy tips:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 1: Use Your Human Mode<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Understanding Steve Peters’ chimp model is useful if you want to know how to prevent conflict. To successfully interact with other people, recognize that everyone has a Chimp and a Human just like you do, and that they may have trouble managing their Chimp, just as you might.<\/strong> To best manage both of your Chimps, strive to speak from Human to Human, and leave your Chimps out of the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you speak to someone else using your Chimp, they will most likely respond with their Chimp. This is how arguments happen: Your Chimp snaps at your partner because she did something that angered you, and her<\/em> Chimp snaps back, upset that you\u2019re getting so angry about something so trivial. It\u2019s also why arguments are so difficult to stop once they get started\u2014both Chimps are naturally stubborn and reluctant to back down from a position once they\u2019ve dug in. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To prevent this, go through the steps of Chimp management<\/a> outlined earlier before you approach someone\u2014exercise your Chimp, reason with it, and contain it. Then, anticipate that the other person will initially respond to you with her Chimp, and help her manage her<\/em> Chimp as best you can by allowing her to go through the Chimp management steps also: Particularly, allow her to exercise her Chimp so that she vents her emotions and is better placed to hear your reason and logic. Follow up by speaking to her with calm logic that her Chimp has no choice but to agree with.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 2: Allow for Choices<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The key to maintaining a good relationship is to acknowledge that each of you has a choice and can make a decision<\/a> about the relationship, and the other person can\u2019t force that decision.<\/strong> Therefore, you can offer to relate to another person in a certain way but that other person doesn\u2019t have to respond in the way that you want. If she does, then there\u2019s no problem. But if she chooses not to, then you have your own choice to make: Do you want to accept her choice and continue a relationship on those terms, or do you want to leave the relationship?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For example, if your girlfriend is always late to your get-togethers because that\u2019s just how she lives her life, then you can talk to her about how it bothers you, but you can\u2019t force her to care about lateness in the same way that you do. If she\u2019s content being late to appointments, then she\u2019s not obligated to change for you. However, you can certainly decide that this isn’t an acceptable characteristic of someone you date, and you can find another partner. Both of you have a choice and must respect the other person\u2019s choice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 3: Adjust Your Expectations<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

You must have realistic expectations<\/a> of other people, or you’re setting your relationship up for failure:<\/strong> You can\u2019t expect someone to have talents or traits that they simply don\u2019t have and never promised to have. For example, if you want to be with someone who\u2019s a good artist, but the person you\u2019re dating isn’t a good artist, you can\u2019t fault them for that. You have to accept them for who they are and then decide for yourself if you’ll stay in the relationship or not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 4: Examine Your Prejudices<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

When you first meet someone, you form an opinion from things you observe, such as their clothing, hairstyle, attitude, posture, and speech. This first impression <\/em>will dictate, to a large extent, how you feel about that person from then on. Be aware that you may be forming this opinion based on Gremlins of prejudice that you\u2019ve added to your Computer but that may not be correct. For example, if you believe that blond-haired people aren\u2019t smart, you might decide that a blond lawyer you meet isn\u2019t very intelligent, based on this prejudice, and you may end up misjudging someone who is, in fact, highly competent.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 5: Speak to the Right Person<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

To effectively communicate your message, you must talk to the person you wish to communicate to. <\/strong>While that may sound obvious, all too often, people don\u2019t do this. Instead they talk about their problem to other people\u2014for example, mutual friends, coworkers, or family members. Consequently, the message never arrives with the person for whom it\u2019s intended, and the problem doesn\u2019t get resolved. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 6: Choose the Right Time<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Approach the other person at a time when your conversation won\u2019t be rushed, and when the other person isn\u2019t already agitated<\/strong> (and therefore, their Chimp is already activated). Make sure you have time not only to explain your position but also to listen fully to their position.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 7: Find the Right Place<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Find a neutral place that is neither in your \u201cterritory\u201d nor theirs<\/strong>, so they don\u2019t feel that you\u2019re trying to intimidate them. Find a quiet place so you\u2019ll have few interruptions, and you can focus solely on your conversation. This is key if you want to know how to prevent conflict. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tip 8: Bring the Right Agenda <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

If you want to know how to prevent conflict, be clear on what exactly you want to address and what you want to accomplish with your conversation.<\/strong> If you don\u2019t have a clear purpose<\/a>, your conversation will be reactive rather than proactive, and it will more likely wander and end up being hijacked by your Chimp. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Be aware that your Chimp and your Human may have different agendas:<\/p>\n\n\n\n