{"id":40247,"date":"2021-06-20T14:15:07","date_gmt":"2021-06-20T18:15:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=40247"},"modified":"2021-06-30T14:59:20","modified_gmt":"2021-06-30T18:59:20","slug":"difference-between-assertive-and-aggressive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/difference-between-assertive-and-aggressive\/","title":{"rendered":"Assertive and Aggressive: Know the Difference"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

What is the difference between assertive and aggressive communication? What can you do to avoid being aggressive? How can this help you to avoid conflict<\/a>?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The difference between assertive and aggressive communication is whether you are in control of your emotions. Another key difference between assertive and aggressive communication is how you present your message. In The Chimp Paradox<\/em>, Steve Peters says that aggressive behavior is caused by your emotional inner Chimp<\/a> taking over. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read on to find out the key differences between assertive and aggressive communication and what this has to do with your inner Chimp. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

The Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive Communication <\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

In The Chimp Paradox<\/em>, Steve Peters introduces his inner Chimp theory. This is the theory that you have a mischievous inner Chimp in your brain, who can sometimes make life difficult for you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Steve Peters\u2019 inner Chimp theory can help you to understand the difference between assertive and aggressive communication. Read on to find out how. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Assertive vs Aggressive Communication: <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Often, your reluctance to speak to the person at the center of your issue is caused by a lack of assertiveness, which in itself is often caused by your Chimp\u2019s fear of upsetting other people because that might cause you to be excluded. This frequently comes from a confusion about the difference between assertive and aggressive behavior and people sometimes avoid being assertive out of fear that they\u2019ll come across as aggressive. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Assertiveness is explaining to someone what <\/strong>is<\/em><\/strong> and what <\/strong>isn\u2019t<\/em><\/strong> acceptable. Aggressiveness is doing this with emotion in an attacking manner. <\/strong>Being assertive is good; being aggressive is not. Assertiveness will get your message across clearly and effectively and will lead to solutions. In contrast, aggression will wake up the Chimp in the other person and will lead to conflict: The other person will either attack or recoil\u2014either way, she is no longer listening to your message. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be assertive, follow these steps, using \u201cI\u201d statements for each:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

  1. Explain what you don\u2019t want the other person to do.<\/li>
  2. Explain how their actions make you feel.<\/li>
  3. Explain what you do want them to do.<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    So, for example, if your manager yells at you for being late, instead of responding with aggression and defensiveness, you could say:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    1. \u201cI would like you to listen to me without interrupting.\u201d Then explain why you’re late.<\/li>
    2. \u201cWhen you shout, I feel uncomfortable.\u201d<\/li>
    3. \u201cI would like to discuss this with you in a calm way.\u201d<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

      Packaging Your Message <\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n

      When communicating face-to-face, keep in mind the way you <\/strong>package<\/em><\/strong> your message: the way you present your message to the other person.<\/strong> The key to understanding assertive vs aggressive communication is how you present your message. This involves four things: <\/p>\n\n\n\n

      1. Body language<\/a>: <\/strong>the non-verbal messages you’re conveying with your posture, face, and limbs. You can convey many emotions without words\u2014for example, defensiveness (by crossing your arms), aggression (by towering over someone), or displeasure (through facial expressions). Body language is a key difference between assertive vs aggressive communication. <\/li>
      2. Intonation: <\/strong>About a third of your message\u2019s meaning is conveyed through your voice. Faster speeds indicate urgency or anxiety, while slower speeds indicate relaxation or confidence. Louder volume might indicate urgency, relaxation, or confidence, while softer volume might indicate uncertainty. Your emphasis on specific words can change a sentence\u2019s meaning entirely: For example, the sentence \u201cI like you\u201d mean different things depending on if you emphasize the \u201cI,\u201d the \u201clike,\u201d or the \u201cyou\u201d). <\/li>
      3. Verbiage: <\/strong>We attach emotions to certain words, and when you use emotive words inappropriately, the other person can feel attacked, awakening their Chimp. For example, saying \u201cI hate that\u201d will elicit a different emotional response than saying, \u201cI\u2019m not thrilled about that.\u201d Choose your words carefully so as to convey your meaning without unnecessary emotions attached. <\/li>
      4. Attitude: <\/strong>Your attitude is your demeanor\u2014whether or not you come across as friendly and approachable or aloof and cold. Inner Chimps are skilled at interpreting other people\u2019s attitudes so that they don\u2019t approach someone who poses a danger. If your attitude says \u201cStay back,\u201d then other people\u2019s Chimps will recognize that and will act defensively toward you. <\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n

        These tips about packaging your message will help you to understand the difference between assertive and aggressive communication. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

        What is the difference between assertive and aggressive communication? What can you do to avoid being aggressive? How can this help you to avoid conflict? The difference between assertive and aggressive communication is whether you are in control of your emotions. Another key difference between assertive and aggressive communication is how you present your message. In The Chimp Paradox, Steve Peters says that aggressive behavior is caused by your emotional inner Chimp taking over.  Read on to find out the key differences between assertive and aggressive communication and what this has to do with your inner Chimp. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":14884,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,12],"tags":[394],"class_list":["post-40247","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-relationships","tag-the-chimp-paradox","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"\nAssertive and Aggressive: Know the Difference - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"What is the difference between assertive and aggressive communication? How can you learn to be assertive? 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