{"id":39530,"date":"2021-06-09T08:37:00","date_gmt":"2021-06-09T12:37:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/?p=39530"},"modified":"2021-08-15T03:11:35","modified_gmt":"2021-08-15T07:11:35","slug":"handling-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"Handling Conflict 101: The Combative Mindset"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>What&#8217;s your way of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/conflict-resolution-methods\/\">handling conflict<\/a>? What do you think is the main reason that trivial conflicts escalate into full-blown arguments?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>According to the Arbinger Institute, the author of <em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-anatomy-of-peace-by-the-arbinger-institute\/\">The Anatomy of Peace<\/a><\/em>, some people have difficulty resolving conflict peacefully and effectively because they adopt what they call a &#8220;combative mindset.&#8221; There are three elements of the combative mindset: collusion, <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/self-betrayal\/\">self-betrayal<\/a>, and justification.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In this article, we\u2019ll examine how the combative mindset causes failures in our <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/approaching-conflict\/\">approach to conflict<\/a>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Understanding Conflict<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When it comes to handling conflict, it doesn&#8217;t so much matter if you are right or wrong. You can be right in principle, the Institute says, but if your mindset is wrong, it doesn\u2019t practically matter that your position is technically correct.<strong> <\/strong>Arbinger notes that while there may be a lot we disagree with others about, the <em>way<\/em> we disagree affects how we see each other going forward.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Collusion<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>When we embody the combative mindset, we see others as objects and obstacles rather than people. <strong>We ignore their needs, circumstances, and feelings, and approach them dishonestly, focusing only on what we want from them.<\/strong> The result is that we constantly treat the other party as if they were less than human and are shocked and offended when they respond in kind. The Arbinger Institute calls this mutual mistreatment-and-response cycle \u201ccollusion.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>When we collude, we jointly create a problem that\u2019s bigger than it should be<\/strong>, to share our anger and frustration in a way that hurts our enemy just like they\u2019re hurting us. We start to provoke, demean, and infuriate them, treating them in ways that encourage them to continue making us unhappy.<\/li><li><strong>Furthermore, we intentionally avoid the other party and seek support elsewhere, making it impossible to even discuss coming to an agreement.<\/strong> We complain to people we know will take our side, poisoning our friends against each other, our partners against our children, and our coworkers against our bosses. We increase the scope of the conflict instead of reducing it.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-table\"><table><tbody><tr><td><strong>Collusion: What About Inequality? <\/strong><br><br>The idea that we \u201ccollude\u201d with our \u201cenemies\u201d in creating our own unhappiness is a foundational idea in <em>The Anatomy of Peace<\/em>. Studies support the argument that the way we interpret and <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/us\/blog\/the-squeaky-wheel\/201408\/how-we-take-something-bad-and-make-it-worse\">respond to negative events or interactions often makes bad situations worse<\/a>.<br><br>However, there are limitations to this argument that The Arbinger Institute doesn\u2019t address. In fact, some critics claim that the Institute applies this principle beyond its appropriate scope. For example, they argue that it should not be applied to situations in which there is a large power difference\u2014something that Arbinger tries to do in the book. <br><br>In describing collusion, Arbinger gives an example in which Yusuf and Benjamin Arrig, a Black professor, witness an August <a href=\"https:\/\/www.nhregister.com\/new-haven\/article\/1967-riots-4-tense-days-that-began-11813921.php\">1967 clash between Black protesters and police<\/a>. Arrig claims that both the protesters and the police are fighting oppression. Arrig explains that the <em>way <\/em>these protesters embody their cause ignores the needs and safety of the police officers, bystanders, and other residents, and thus is arguably oppressive too. Their behavior forces the police to respond aggressively, inciting further oppressive treatment. \u201cThe desire for tear gas is visible on both sides,\u201d he says, because being gassed by the police helps protesters justify objectifying the officers and choosing violence. In other words, they\u2019re colluding with the officers to make the situation worse. Arrig argues that even when there\u2019s a <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/power-imbalance-orange-is-the-new-black\/\">power imbalance<\/a>, the oppressed have a responsibility to ensure that they don\u2019t \u201cbecome oppressors themselves.\u201d<br><br>In reference to this passage from the book, Rev. Hannah Bonner explains that when a systematically oppressed minority is being dehumanized and mistreated, it&#8217;s not valid to argue that they resist that oppression only because they&#8217;re &#8220;creating a false reality&#8221; in which resistance is justified. Being routinely abused itself justifies resistance, she says, and for the group which holds greater power\u2014or perpetuates the abuse\u2014to claim that the oppressed minority\u2019s resistance constitutes collusion is victim-blaming. It\u2019s not the black protesters\u2019 fault that the system that oppresses them doesn\u2019t afford them more \u201ccollaborative\u201d means of advocating for their rights, and it\u2019s inappropriate to blame them for the police\u2019s violent response to their advocacy.<\/td><\/tr><\/tbody><\/table><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Self-Betrayal<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>As we\u2019ve discussed, it\u2019s impossible for us to resolve a conflict if we\u2019re not seeing others as people. This is the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/core-problem\/\">core issue<\/a> of the combative mindset, according to Arbinger: We <em>know<\/em> people aren\u2019t objects, but we choose to treat them as objects anyway. <strong>We lie to ourselves and ignore the truth of the situation.<\/strong> The Institute tells us that this mindset is a result of self-betrayal. <strong>Understanding self-betrayal helps us identify the ways in which <\/strong><strong><em>we<\/em><\/strong><strong> are feeding our conflicts.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Arbinger explains that the concept of self-betrayal relies on understanding that humans have certain innate desires. Evolutionary scientists often argue that the success of our species is largely the result of a desire to help, protect, and care for one another. According to Arbinger, <strong>when we choose to behave in a way that doesn\u2019t align with this desire, we self-betray.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Generally, Arbinger says, we make the choice to betray ourselves because we think it\u2019ll cost us less time, energy, or effort\u2014or because we think honoring our desire to do the right thing will lead to some discomfort we\u2019d rather avoid. Maybe we choose not to help when we know we could, or we don\u2019t speak up for ourselves or others when we feel we should.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: In many ways, self-betrayal equates to going against our conscience: acting in a way that doesn&#8217;t align with what we know is right. In Stephen R. Covey\u2019s book <em>First Things First<\/em>, he emphasizes <a href=\"https:\/\/shortform.com\/app\/book\/first-things-first\/chapter-9\">the importance of living according to your conscience.<\/a> The more you excuse acting against your principles, the deeper you bury your integrity beneath a pile of rationalizations and justifications. <strong>In order to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/how-to-live-with-integrity\/\">live with integrity<\/a>, he says, you must pay attention to your conscience, as well as the way you respond to its messages.<\/strong> Your conscience will always point you toward your greatest quality of life, by recommending genuine, wholehearted actions that support your principles.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Justification<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p>The authors explain that when we betray ourselves, the choice we\u2019ve made doesn\u2019t feel right to us, so we seek to justify it. <strong>It\u2019s uncomfortable to know we\u2019ve done something we don\u2019t believe in, so we convince ourselves that the betrayal was unavoidable<\/strong><strong><em>\u2014<\/em><\/strong><strong>even when that\u2019s not true.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The Institute lists three ways in which we usually justify our self-betrayals:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>By changing the way we see ourselves<\/li><li>By changing the way we see others<\/li><li>By creating a false reality in which our choice was right, necessary, or inevitable<\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: We may justify unethical behavior <a href=\"https:\/\/ethicsalarms.com\/rule-book\/unethical-rationalizations-and-misconceptions\/\">in dozens of different ways<\/a> that aren\u2019t logically consistent or reasonable. Arbinger focuses primarily on <a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1177\/0963721414553264?casa_token=UF332PCuXwkAAAAA%3Ax8RZgJPpD4_o9m2Msv_51Xq-iCRP6zVVvZxfMFYjJsT6pOliy1iRRkuQmhTg0_BXg1JCjjt6v8GgPg&amp;journalCode=cdpa\">self-serving justifications<\/a>\u2014in which we rationalize our behavior as being \u201cnot that bad,\u201d or twist the circumstances <a href=\"https:\/\/www.psychologytoday.com\/gb\/blog\/in-love-and-war\/202008\/six-common-ways-people-justify-unethical-behavior\">in a way that allows us to feel morally justified<\/a>. We want to believe that we\u2019re still good people, or that it\u2019s okay if we do wrong \u201conce in a while.\u201d The trouble is, when we betray our conscience we don\u2019t feel we can believe either of those things anymore, so we justify until we can\u2014even if the justification is, \u201cwell, maybe I\u2019m <em>not<\/em> a good person!\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>For example, Steve is watching football late on a Sunday night when he sees a notification on his phone. It\u2019s a missed call from his mother, and he suddenly realizes it\u2019s Mother\u2019s Day. He knows he should call her back right away, but the game\u2019s in full swing and he doesn\u2019t want to miss it. He tucks the phone under a couch cushion and forgets about it. When he calls his mother the next day and finds she\u2019s upset with him, he gets defensive and frustrated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Let\u2019s take a look at what might have happened in Steve\u2019s head as he worked to justify his behavior:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Steve changes the way he sees his mom by telling himself that\u2026<\/strong><ul><li>She\u2019s unreasonable; it was just a phone call, and he calls her every week anyway.<\/li><li>She\u2019s annoying and clingy; he\u2019s an adult, and she should let him do his own thing.<\/li><li>She thinks she should get a trophy for having a kid.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li><strong>Steve changes the way he sees himself by telling himself that\u2026<\/strong><ul><li>I never have any time to myself; someone always wants something from me.<\/li><li>I\u2019m forgetful, and that\u2019s not my fault.<\/li><li>I\u2019m just a bad son; I can\u2019t live up to my mom\u2019s expectations.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li><strong>Steve changes the way he sees the world by telling himself that\u2026<\/strong><ul><li>It\u2019s full of stupid obligations that only exist to stress him out.<\/li><li>It\u2019s unfair that he never gets to have an evening to himself.<\/li><li>It\u2019s like the world conspires to make sure he doesn\u2019t have any fun.<\/li><\/ul><\/li><li><strong>As a result, Steve feels\u2026<\/strong><ul><li>Resentful and defensive<\/li><li>Frustrated and bitter<\/li><li>Justified in his behavior<\/li><\/ul><\/li><\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>Each time we justify our self-betrayal, our perspective shifts, making it more likely that we\u2019ll justify again. <strong>The more you justify, Arbinger says, the more sure you are that you\u2019re right, and the more likely it is that you\u2019re actually mistaken.<\/strong> Notice that if you honor your <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/true-desires\/\">true desires<\/a>, you don\u2019t have to twist the world into a place that justifies betraying them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>(Shortform note: When you justify in any of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/the-three-ways\/\">the three ways<\/a> noted above, you become susceptible to <a href=\"https:\/\/www.britannica.com\/science\/confirmation-bias\">confirmation bias<\/a>. This is a tendency to seek evidence that supports what you already believe\u2014in this case, your justification\u2014and to ignore evidence to the contrary. You can\u2019t afford to see your justifications disproved, so you do everything you can to avoid reality and \u201cconfirm\u201d your point of view\u2014which can lead to embracing broad stereotypes, refusing to give second chances, or attacking those you disagree with before they can argue their point.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What&#8217;s your way of handling conflict? What do you think is the main reason that trivial conflicts escalate into full-blown arguments? According to the Arbinger Institute, the author of The Anatomy of Peace, some people have difficulty resolving conflict peacefully and effectively because they adopt what they call a &#8220;combative mindset.&#8221; There are three elements of the combative mindset: collusion, self-betrayal, and justification. In this article, we\u2019ll examine how the combative mindset causes failures in our approach to conflict.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":141,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[34,9,12],"tags":[391],"class_list":["post-39530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication","category-psychology","category-relationships","tag-the-anatomy-of-peace","","tg-column-two"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v24.3 (Yoast SEO v24.3) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Handling Conflict 101: The Combative Mindset - Shortform Books<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"According to the Arbinger Institute, some people have difficulty handling conflict peacefully because they have a &quot;combative mindset.&quot;\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Handling Conflict 101: The Combative Mindset\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"According to the Arbinger Institute, some people have difficulty handling conflict peacefully because they have a &quot;combative mindset.&quot;\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Shortform Books\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2021-06-09T12:37:00+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2021-08-15T07:11:35+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/emotional-intelligence-argument2.jpg\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"667\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"386\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/jpeg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Darya Sinusoid\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"8 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Darya Sinusoid\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/0421cce75bc249b11e2517b3a91f9c46\"},\"headline\":\"Handling Conflict 101: The Combative Mindset\",\"datePublished\":\"2021-06-09T12:37:00+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2021-08-15T07:11:35+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\"},\"wordCount\":1692,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/emotional-intelligence-argument2.jpg\",\"keywords\":[\"The Anatomy of Peace\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Communication\",\"Psychology\",\"Relationships\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.shortform.com\/blog\/handling-conflict\/\",\"name\":\"Handling Conflict 101: The Combative Mindset - 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